(Opening sequence consists of
digital rain on digital London mixed with digital blood)
Digital Londoners: Ew!
Absent Ballad Ghosts: Admit it,
film audience - you’ll miss us commenting on the action.
Film Audience: Not especially,
no.
(A ship ominously pulls into port
with its cargo of doom)
Anthony: <I’m too pretty to
die>
Sweeney: <Wretch. Rock on!> (Strums an electric guitar)
Anthony: I’m curious as to what
kind of name Sweeney is? Was it given
because your parents hated you?
Sweeney: <I was young, normal,
and stupid once, much as you are now.
Then a pervy judge wanted my wife Lucy and shipped me off to the other
side of the world that the native population calls home so he could take her> (To London)
<But now I’m back, baby!> Thanks
for saving me for my newfound life of crime and hair streaks.
Anthony: You’re welcome. It means I own you now, so I’ll be calling
you on that shortly.
Sweeney: Gotta find me first!
(Runs at supersonic speed through
the streets until he arrives at Mrs. Lovett’s food emporium. A sign outside reads ‘Bad Pies – Don’t Eat
`Em’)
Mrs. Lovett: <Ooh, a boy! Here – eat something disgusting that’ll
probably kill ya! It’s the best one in
the shop! Above all, do not go to Mrs.
Mooney’s cat-pie shop – that kind of practice is just wrong>
Sweeney: (Bites into a pie) My heavens,
woman! How can you still be in
business?!
Mrs. Lovett: <People pay me to
stop singing!>
Sweeney: Well, it’s not that
bad. This pie should be shot, though.
Mrs. Lovett: Please buy
something. I may be reduced to selling
myself soon, and that never ends well.
Sweeney: Why don’t you rent… the
upstairs room? (Thunder booms)
Mrs. Sweeney: <Why? Because Benjamin Barker who was there last got thrown
into the clink and his wife was ‘taken’ by a pervy judge and then poisoned
herself, with the perv then stealing her kid as his own. Not an ideal bachelor pad>
Sweeney: Alack! Say it is not so! My heart breaks!
Mrs. Lovett: I knew it! You’re Benjamin Barker! Remember me, ol’ Mrs. Lovett, formerly of Mr.
and Mrs.?
Sweeney: No….
Mrs. Lovett: `Course you do, you
used to bang on the floor every night telling us to keep it down, and I’d keep snatching your barber pole for laughs.
Sweeney: Oh yes, those were good
times. But they are long gone! I must be avenged! (Crescendo, then silence) And restore my
wife’s honor and possibly rescue my daughter.
Mrs. Lovett: Lovely. Here are your razors – not to give you any
ideas, mind.
Sweeney: <Hello, babies. Did you miss your daddy? I missed you, coochie, coochie, coo>
Mrs. Lovett: <With both our
spouses out of the way and us both being ‘lonely,’ let’s go ahead and get
hitched, shall we?>
Sweeney: (Ignoring her and
holding up a razor symbolically) Finally, I am a real man!
Mrs. Lovett: Not even listening
to me; what a one-track mind.
(In Johanna’s room)
Johanna: <I wish I was a
bird! I like feathers>
Judge: (Being pervy)
Anthony: (On street outside the
house) A beautiful, familiar-looking daughter!
I must have her!
Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman:
<Gimme money!>
Anthony: Here you go, wretched
soul. Who is that wondrous creature?
Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman: My
daughter, but all you have to know is THE JUDGE HAS HER! Cackle cackle spit! Gimme more money.
Anthony: Sorry, wretched soul. Back to the gutter with you. (Escorts her
there)
Judge: Boy! C’mere.
(Anthony goes into the Judge’s
house)
Judge: Want some porn?
Anthony: Sure – I mean, no
thanks.
Judge: Then stop peeping on my
ward, you perv!
Anthony: From what I’ve heard,
you shouldn’t be the one calling names.
(Beadle tosses him out)
Anthony: And rude. <Don’t worry, my love, I’ll take you away
from these creeps. Whether you want me
or not>
(At street market)
Toby: <Step right up to grow
some hair!>
Sweeney: <This ‘elixir’ is
highly unhygienic>
Mrs. Lovett: <Plus it
stinks>
Pirelli: <I’m-a
Italian-a! High five!>
Sweeney: Booo!
Pirelli: A duel, then.
Sweeney: Ah look, the
always-useful Beadle! He should be judge
for this one occasion only.
Beadle: But it’s my day off.
(The men prepare to shave two
unwilling volunteers)
Pirelli: (Takes his time)
<This is a very dangerous profession.
One slip and I could seriously nick myself>
Sweeney: (Eats lunch, changes his
suit, and writes a letter before taking three swipes to shave his volunteer)
Done!
(He pushes his volunteer, whose
cheeks are bleeding, off the stage)
Beadle: I personally don’t groom
myself, but maybe I’ll have you do it for me soon.
Sweeney: Sweet! And so it begins.
Beadle: What?
Sweeney: What?
(At Mrs. Lovett’s)
Mrs. Lovett: You can have my DEAD
husband’s comfy chair for your re-established barber shop. It’s yet another sign of my eligibility.
Sweeney: (Looking out the window
for the Beadle) Where is that accessory before, during, and after the
fact? My razor hand’s getting
itchy.
Mrs. Lovett: <Patience>
Sweeney: (Waits) And….
Mrs. Lovett: And that’s it. I need some solos here too, you know.
(Pirelli and Toby enter through
Sweeney’s apartment)
Sweeney: Oh balderdash, what’s
all this?
Pirelli: Bon jour!
Mrs. Lovett: The little boy
should come with me. Our place is in the
kitchen. (She brings Toby to her shop on
the ground floor)
Pirelli: (Now speaking with an
English accent) You were my old boss and never gave me my tips!
Sweeney: I was? It’s possible – I’ve been terrible at
recognizing people lately, and I’m sure it’ll come back to get me in the end.
Pirelli: Fine – forget the past,
I want most of your money in the present.
And your specialty cologne.
Sweeney: You do realize that the
first rule of blackmail is never try it on a desperate man.
Pirelli: Noted. Now about the blackmail –
(Sweeney beans him with a teacup,
followed by several spoons)
Toby: (Hearing the noise) They
started gallivanting without me! (Runs upstairs)
Mrs. Lovett: Wait – ah, forget
it. I’m sure Mr. T. just dropped
something and all is well.
(Toby runs into Sweeney’s room)
Sweeney: Pirelli’s gone –
forever.
Toby: I’ll just wait for him
here, then.
(Pirelli’s hand, sticking out of
a trunk, gives Sweeney the finger)
Sweeney: Toby, go tell Mrs.
Lovett that, seeing as you have been aged considerably by a life of
deprivation, I authorize her to get you crocked.
Toby: Yippee! (Runs back
downstairs to Mrs. Lovett)
(Sweeney opens the trunk. Pirelli starts to get out)
Pirelli: Oy gevalt.
Sweeney: Let me help. (Pulls him up while absentmindedly holding a
razor and accidentally slices his throat) Whoops! Didn’t mean that, honestly! (Tries using his fingers to plug up spurting
holes, but Pirelli dies) My, but that was gross.
(Mrs. Lovett enters)
Mrs. Lovett: Did I miss
anything? (Sees body) What the literally
bloody hell? Are you insane?
Sweeney: (Biting a fingernail) It
was self-defense?
Mrs. Lovett: Hmm. (Looks in trunk again) Ugh, it’s stained –
who’s gonna clean all that up?!
(The Judge arrives shortly after
they tidy up)
Judge: Shave me!
Sweeney: Shave yourself, you
miserable – come right in, sir. (He
prepares the Judge. To himself) <Now
I’m going to do it without saying why.
It’ll be all the more satisfying>
Judge: I’m marrying my ward.
Sweeney: In that case, I must
sing to express the depths of how much I loathe thee. You’ll get a shave while I do it. <Girls are hot>
Judge: <Praise the Lord>
Sweeney: <They cause the
world’s problems>
Judge: <I blame them entirely
for all of my shortcomings>
Sweeney: <Now I smite you>
Judge: <What?>
(Anthony bursts in)
Anthony: Excuse me, Judge – Mr.
Todd, I require your aid in stealing the Judge’s ward.
Judge: Insolent pup, stop
stalking my prisoner. Mr. Todd, seeing
as you are friends with this troublemaker, I will no longer frequent your
establishment. And I’m only tipping you 0.1%. (Tosses a coin at Sweeney’s chest
and leaves)
Anthony: So anyway, I need you to
–
Sweeney: You’re a frickin’ moron.
(Anthony leaves; Mrs. Lovett
enters)
Mrs. Lovett: Did I miss anything?
Sweeney: <This is all your
fault!>
Mrs. Lovett: Typical.
Sweeney: <That’s it! I will not rest until I accidentally kill the
world with impeccable shaves at reasonable prices!>
Mrs. Lovett: Not to change the
subject, but your stiff is starting to reek.
Sweeney: Ah, we’ll just throw him
in the Thames with the rest of the rabble.
Mrs. Lovett: We could. (Looks at rival, cat-ridden pie shop) <Or
we could eat him!>
Sweeney: Did you actually just say that out loud?
Mrs. Lovett: <Weren’t you
paying attention earlier? I make
terrible pies! So what could taste
better than human flesh, I’d like to know?>
Sweeney: <But, but, but
earlier you disapproved of Mrs. Mooney putting cats in her pies!>
Mrs. Lovett: <So?>
Sweeney: <So this is twice –
thrice – unimaginably worse! What kind
of sick freak are you?>
Mrs. Lovett: <One who loves
irony>
Sweeney: <Ah, sweet irony; I
never could resist you. All right, I’m
sold!>
Mrs. Lovett: <So’s
Pirelli!>
Both: <Mwahahaha! Mwahahaha!> (They cackle until the end of
Act I)
(Sweeney constructs his chair of
death, the better to slide people to Mrs. Lovett’s oven of death)
Sweeney: At least she gets to do
the hard work of the actual dismemberment.
Would anyone believe me if I said that all this throat slicing is
accidental and I really am just the worst barber in London? Incidentally, that’s the charge the Judge got
me arrested for – bet you didn’t know that.
(Mrs. Lovett has a big party for
local cannibals)
Londoners: <Mmm-good!>
Mrs. Lovett: <Toby! Get rid of that meddlesome victim!>
Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman:
<This is disgusting! Plus, you’re
shacked up with my man!>
Mrs. Lovett: <Not as shacked
up as I’d like. Now off with you!>
(Anthony and Sweeney sing while
Sweeney ‘shaves’ customers)
Anthony: <I love a girl I
don’t know – something I’ve always wished would happen to me>
Sweeney: <I miss-> (slices)
<whoops – my daughter-> (slices) <ah, sorry – my Johannnnaaaa>
(slices) <Dammit!> Got another one
for you, Mrs. Lovett!
Mrs. Lovett: (Speaking up through
the chute after yet another body falls past her) You know, dear, while this has
been a great boon for business, could you cut it down a bit and actually shave
one or two people? That bobby’s been
standing across the street for a whole week now.
Sweeney: I get nervous and start
sweating when I perform.
Mrs. Lovett: Maybe if you stopped
singing all the time!
Sweeney: Will do.
(They enjoy a quiet moment in a
park)
Sweeney: It feels strange not
being all washed out.
Mrs. Lovett: <All right, this
is my big chance. I love you!>
Sweeney: Cheers.
Mrs. Lovett: <Marry me!>
Sweeney: Interesting.
Mrs. Lovett: <I’m actually an
extraterrestrial>
Sweeney: All right.
Mrs. Lovett: Frustrating
anti-hero, why don’t you love me?
Sweeney: Here’s a better
question: Why on earth would you love me?
I’m a homicidal psychopath who also has monomania and still loves his
dead wife. I am a sick, sick barber.
Mrs. Lovett: But that’s what
makes you so romantic!
Sweeney: (Pats her head) Sweet
enabler.
Mrs. Lovett: Score!
(Another day)
Sweeney: No customers for me to
involuntarily manslaughter today?
(Anthony enters)
Anthony: Johanna is in a
madhouse!
Sweeney: That’s funny, I’m the
one who should be there. You can get her
out by going there and asking for hair – no one will suspect a thing.
Anthony: Can the audience come
and watch?
Sweeney: Anthony, we’ve talked
about this. You've already used up your
five lines of dialogue outside of my presence: now it’s singing or nothing.
Anthony: But –
Sweeney: Not another word! (Anthony leaves) Toby, send this letter to
the Judge – oh, bile – saying that I have Johanna. Time to bring these shenanigans to a close.
(Later, Toby goes to Mrs. Lovett)
Toby: <You’re in danger! I’ll save you in spite of my diminutive
stature!>
Mrs. Lovett: <Nonsense child;
I am danger>
Toby: You have Pirelli’s
purse! That seals it – Todd is a
murderin’ loon!
Mrs. Lovett: Drat, cover’s
blown. Toby, come with me to the
oven. (Demonstrates preparation of
ritual sacrifice) See? Nothing
suspicious whatsoever. Now wait here so
I can lock you in.
(Beadle arrives)
Sweeney: Wanna shave?
Beadle: Is that all you do?
Sweeney: Pretty much.
(In oven room, Toby eats a pie
and finds a leg inside)
Toby: Methinks something is afoot
– pun intended. (A shout of ‘Dammit!’ is heard and the Beadle’s body falls out
of the chute) That’s weird. Why’d he fall
down the chute just now?
(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett wander
through the sewer looking for the now-missing Toby)
Mrs. Lovett: <Come out, tot,
we’re not gonna hurt you>
Sweeney: <But we are>
Mrs. Lovett: <Shut it!>
(Anthony and a disguised Johanna
enter Sweeney’s room)
Anthony: Good, he’s gone and I
can speak again. (To Johanna) Now you
have to love me forever!
Johanna: I really just want my
own life. Maybe being dressed as a boy
will give me that.
Anthony: I need half an hour to
get us out of here.
Johanna: Sure. What could happen in that short span of
time? (Anthony leaves. Hearing a noise, she hides in the trunk) It
smells like death in here.
(Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman
breaks into the room)
Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman:
<My old home. I think I’ll reassert
my authority>
(Sweeney pops up at the door like
a vampire)
Sweeney: Random woman, why are you
here?
Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman:
<I live here. Make me dinner!>
(Judge approaches from the
stairs)
Sweeney: I don’t have time for
this. Please be quiet – (Moves to shush
her and accidentally slices her) Dash it, I did it again. Oh well.
(Dumps her below)
(Judge enters)
Judge: Where’s my blushing bride?
Sweeney: Here. Hee-hee-hee!
Judge: You’re strange. Have you ever considered professional help?
Sweeney: No. Wanna shave?
Judge: Not from you.
Sweeney: Sure you do! (Body slams the Judge onto the chair) By the
way, I’m the guy whose wife you stole.
Judge: Which one?
Sweeney: Yeesh. You know – Barber Barker. Heh, that sounds even stranger than
‘Sweeney.’
Judge: Oh, that one! Johanna’s dad! How’ve you been?
Sweeney: A little piqued, but I’m
feeling better, thanks. Which reminds
me. (Throws a glass of water into the
Judge’s face) You’ve had that coming for a long time, sir. Now aren’t you ashamed.
Judge: (Sobbing) I am! So ashamed!
Sweeney: Just as long as you’ve
learned your lesson. So, let’s forget
all this ever happened and continue with your shave, shall we? (Accidentally slices him) Blast blast blast! (Judge convulses) And we could’ve been
friends. Alas. (Dumps him down the chute. Sweeney stands in his room, looking at his
razor, listening to the dramatic and thunderous music signifying his revenge is
complete) Now what?
(Johanna foolishly stirs. He pulls her out of the trunk)
Johanna: I am but a blind deaf
mute, sir!
Sweeney: All right, then. Off you go, familiar-looking boy.
(Mrs. Lovett screams. Sweeney goes down to the oven where the Judge
is dying and clutching her dress)
Mrs. Lovett: Not my new gingham!
(The Judge dies)
Sweeney: It’s all good. Not exactly as I planned it, but it could’ve
gone worse, I think.
Mrs. Lovett: I don’t care. (She
drags the Judge to the open oven)
Sweeney: Half a tick. (He recognizes Familiar-Looking Beggar
Woman) Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman was
Lucy? Unbelievable – what are the odds?
Mrs. Lovett: And serves you
right!
Sweeney: You said she died.
Mrs. Lovett: No I didn’t.
Sweeney: Yes you did.
Mrs. Lovett: No I didn’t.
Sweeney: Yes you –
Mrs. Lovett: <Didn’t didn’t
didn’t! Weren’t you paying attention to
the lyrics? I said she poisoned
herself. Any idiot could’ve figured out
the rest.>
Sweeney: <Oh> (Thinks back to Act I) <Oh right, you did say
that. Wish you’d expounded a little; it
might’ve saved us all a lot of trouble.
And you wanted me to commit bigamy!>
Mrs. Lovett: <Yeah, about that. Sorry?>
Sweeney: <‘Sorry?' Not only is that against the law, Mrs.
Lovett, it is morally wrong. Still, no harm done, I suppose>
Mrs. Lovett: <Exactly!
Now, I’ve already made up the invitations – do you want to go ahead and
contact the chapel or should I?>
Sweeney: Just a moment now – (He
puts out his hands to stop her talking and accidentally pushes her into the
oven. As she screams, he abashedly
closes the door) Sorry! Don’t suppose
she can hear me. (Goes to Lucy and holds
her) <Guess I made a bit of a mess tonight.
Maybe that bobby across the street’ll help me clean it up> (Toby quietly sneaks up behind him with a
razor) <I think I may go to jail again – unless I do a runner. Maybe if I had just ratted out the Judge for
corruption and moved on with my life, I would have normalized> (Thinks) <Nah> (Toby slices him)
Toby: Whoops. (Leaves)
Sweeney: Irony – abundant –
dangit –
Lucy: Would you kindly direct
that away from my face? It’s like a
bleedin’ waterfall!
Sweeney: Right-ho. Happy Christmas, luv!
THE END
