[Note: The lyrics below deliberately do not match up with the original music]
Tagline: All the familiar characters, all the familiar songs, all the
familiar lines – yet different. You
can’t go home again, but you can try really, really hard.
(At the Prince’s castle, anyone
who is anyone rich has arrived for the ball)
Narrator/As-Yet-Unrevealed-Enchantress: At some point in
French history, there was a spoiled rotten Prince of who-knows-where who
exploited the working class to support his bourgeoisie lifestyle and wear too
much make-up. Little did he know that a
Revolution was at hand, and the downtrodden masses were poised to rise up and
claim his riches for their own – wait, this is a fairy tale? Scratch most of that: Once Upon a Time, there
was a spoiled rotten Prince who liked to throw big parties because his heart
was empty.
Prince: Servants! I
need more make-up!
Lumière: Why can no one see our faces?
Plumette: And why are Lumière and I the only ones here with
French accents?
Cogsworth: To show the audience that we already are pieces
of furniture to our Master, and because the cartoon thought it was a good idea.
Madame Garderobe: You
get to see my husband and I be molti italiani, though, sì, sì! Ariaaaa!!!
Maestro Cadenza: But then why is she “Madame” and not
“Signora”?
(At the ball, the Prince dances with the lovely ladies)
Prince: Excellent selection tonight. All right, everyone: the orgy will begin
promptly at 9:00.
(Enchantress, disguised as garbage, makes a grand entrance
that grinds the party to a halt)
Enchantress: I’ve come to put an end to your sinful ways!
Prince: No thanks – you can just drop your pamphlets off at
the servants’ entrance on your way out.
Enchantress: Spare a room for a rose?
Prince: You really have no idea how commerce works, do
you. Plus I suspect that that rose is
from my own front gate, so off you go.
Enchantress: If I were pretty, you’d let me stay for free.
Prince: You’ve got that right. Actually, no; I really do want the money.
Enchantress: You beast!
(She changes into a younger and prettier woman)
Prince: Oh… snap. I
could’ve really scored tonight.
Enchantress: Since you’re shallow and promiscuous, I will
place a series of random curses on you and your do-nothing staff.
Mrs. Potts: Oi! We do
all the work around here – leave us out of it!
Enchantress: I’m also going to wipe the memory of you all
from that nearby village you’ve been exploiting, so they wander about confused
and don’t come poking around here anytime soon.
Lumière: Ah, that does make sense. Seeing as they’re less than a day’s ride
away, and hate us all.
Enchantress: Now, be a beast on the outside as you already
are on the inside! (She transforms
Prince into Beast by making him an extremely hairy man)
Beast: My beauty!
Alas! (Hides under his bed
because he scares himself)
(The guests all scream and run out of the castle, rushing by
a gate-crashing Gaston)
Gaston: Where are you all going; this party was just getting
good! (To Enchantress) Booooo! (Is swept up with the rest and joins the
ranks of the amnesiacs)
Narrator-Enchantress: So I – she, I mean – fixed that
Prince’s wagon. The curse instructions
included a section on the rose petals all falling off and dooming him and his
servants forever unless he actually loves someone and makes that someone
actually love him, but planting and watering the flower regularly would do just
as well. I doubt he read that part.
(Movie Title With
Embedded Spoiler Alert)
(An unspecified number of years
later, the village of amnesiacs wakes up to greet the day in song, as is their
way. An average-looking girl is the
focus of attention – she is pretty, but since she has all her teeth and is free
of pox-scars, she is considered the pinnacle of beauty)
Average: <Stupid town, how I
loathe its members/ The insularity, the monotony/ Boring town, why am I stuck
here/ when I obviously am so much more than they….>
(Montage of how Average hates the
villagers and the villagers hate Average)
Villagers: <She is beautiful
but rather quirky/ By quirky we mean crazy/ She really is a loony toon, that
Average>
(Average goes to the one-pew chapel)
Père Robert: Ah, Average!
Come for confession?
Average: No thank you, I’m
sinless. I’m actually returning the book
I borrowed from your massive library.
(Adds it back to the pile of three and takes a different title)
Père Robert: You’re lucky I’m
such an enlightened priest; pretty much all of my brethren would have burned
you as a witch by now.
(Average reads the book in the
street, crashing into passers-by who give her dirty looks)
Average: <Look, foreshadowing/
She’s a dolt not to see he is a prince> I would never be so unobservant.
(Gaston and LeFou ride into the
village)
Gaston: <I am so awesome that
I don’t need brains/ Or kindness, manners, or a soul/ and I want to marry that
belle/ Though I do not know her well/ since catching the Hard-to-Get is my
life-long goal>
Average: <I wish I’d been born
in 1983!>
Gaston: <Who knew there’d be a
sexual predator in Disney?>
Villagers: <Why must she be a
girl who reads/ A nothing girl who actually reads/ A peasant who can even read/
That freak!>
(Gaston attempts to woo Average
with a stolen rosebush)
Gaston: So, Average, seeing as
you’re the only attractive maiden in this tiny town that I find myself trapped
in, here’s my offer: I’m hot, you’re hot, let’s do this.
Average: The practical side of me
should say “Yes,” but my progressive father has empowered me to say “No.”
Gaston: I don’t understand that
last word you just used.
(She leaves him puzzling this as
he wanders into the village fountain)
LeFou: Soon enough, he will be
mine. But do I even really want
him? He has a few too many amoral
tendencies for my taste.
(Average returns home to see her
father Maurice working on a music box that details his past tragedy)
Maurice: <Why can I never move
on from this?/ Wasn’t it 20+ years ago?>
(Average hands him the tools he
needs to finish, raising the question of how they make enough to live on)
Average: Poor helpless Papa,
playing with your toys while I do all the real work. (Sees all the evidence of his tragic past
strewn about the place) I ask this every day, but are you ever going to tell me
what happened to Maman?
Maurice: And every day I say that
I don’t want to talk about it! Just
leave me to be silently consumed by my guilt as I go off to market with a
poorly designed shipping method for this thing.
(They pack up his cart) What
would you like me to bring back from there?
Average: Money? (They laugh hysterically) Kidding; the usual
rose, preferably alive on arrival this time.
Maurice: No promises. Now while I’m gone, make sure you bar all the
windows and keep the machete handy.
(Rides off with Philippe the family horse and leaves her progressively
home alone)
(Having some spare time since she
does not need to baby-sit her father at the moment, Average invents a washing
machine and teaches a young girl to read in front of the entire village)
Schoolmaster: Burn the witch!
Villager: Or just break her
stuff.
(The mob settles for breaking her
stuff; Gaston is alerted to her harassment and see his chance to harass her in
front of her house)
Gaston: Marry me and all this
abuse will go away! At least, all this will be
behind your back instead of in your face.
Average: You make a tempting
offer, but I’m being sarcastic.
Gaston: Gorgeous creature, I
never can understand a word you say.
Anyway, if you still have to think about my offer: do you really rather
want to become like that spinsterly Enchantress over there,
what’s-her-name? (He points to “Agathe”
“begging” in the street)
Average: That actually seems the
preferable scenario. Besides, you’d get
tired of me nagging you to clean up after yourself and stop
slaughtering all the local wildlife.
Gaston: You may not have noticed,
but I am extremely good at ignoring things I don’t want to hear. (She had closed the door in his face before
he started speaking) I’ll think about your proposal, my love. (Skips away)
(Average leaves the house to
express herself in the only way she knows how)
Average: <Why can’t I have/
More than two options/ Marry, or beg/ Dependence isn’t fair!> (Runs to a
convenient hill to declare herself to the world) <I wish women’s lib
happened sooner rather than later/ An awesome father only goes so far/ And I
wouldn’t mind meeting a man/ Who would like me for who I am/ and is just
waiting for me to save him and his clan….>
(Transition to the ominous
forest, where Maurice is guided by the hand of fate to snowy summer woods
filled with Plot-Convenient Wolves who helpfully guide him to the Enchanted
Castle)
Maurice: My music box, expectedly
ruined! My cart, expectedly
destroyed! My horse, unexpectedly saving
me above and beyond the call of duty!
(He rides Philippe straight to
the Currently Enchanted Castle, where he immediately takes hay and water for
the horse, warmth from the fireplace for himself, food and drink from a set
table, and liberties all around. He
pointedly ignores the whispering furniture)
Lumière: Could this be? Is he the one to break the spell?
Cogsworth: I highly doubt it –
he’s absolutely wretched.
Maurice: (Seated at the dining
room table) Ah, dinner-for-one, obviously meant for me and not for whoever
lives here. (Begins gorging)
Chip: I may be a talking cup, but
don’t let that stop you from drinking the tea.
Maurice: Aiiii!!! Ghosts! (Flees to Philippe, but cannot resist one
more act of larceny when he sees roses improbably growing in the snow outside
the castle) Oh yes, I must bring home a stolen gift for Average – it’s not as
if there aren’t literally hundreds of these things available anywhere else.
(Beast pops up from behind a
trellis)
Beast: All right, sticky fingers,
that’s the last straw!
Maurice: Ah! A talking bear!
Beast: I’m the human Master here,
mister! You think you can just
break-and-enter into any old castle you stumble upon?
Maurice: Right, is this about the
diamonds that I took from the front hall?
Not for nothing, but that’s what you get for leaving your front door open for just any old vagrant
to wander in. (Beast locks him up as
Philippe rides like the wind outta there)
(Meanwhile, Average is puttering
around the garden, pondering life and mulling her design for a wind-powered leaf
blower, when dirty Philippe rides up and collapses on a bench)
Average: Philippe! Where’s Papa?
Philippe: Well, first we got lost
in the haunted woods, and then these wolves –
Average: (Had packed a bug out bag and mounted
the stirrups) Never mind all that – take me there!
Philippe: Heck no, I’m not going
back to that haunted house if you paid me.
(Average’s determined riding compels him to go back. She enters the Currently Enchanted Castle
armed with a musket and a sword)
Average: Is it bad if I say that
this is exactly the kind of excitement that I’ve been singing about
lately?
Lumière: Not at all!
Average: (Spins around in
circles) Show yourself, enemy! (Sees
nothing suspicious, but hears a random noise upstairs and grabs Lumière to
light her way)
Lumière: <Giggles>
Average: (To herself) It’s not
home invasion if it’s a rescue mission….
(She sees Maurice locked up in a
cell)
Maurice: Average! Dash it all, girl, you’re not supposed to be this
self-sufficient! Now run back home
before you become Prisoner #2!
Average: Never, Papa! I will tear down these walls and drag you out
of that cell myself if I must!
Beast: (Watching from across the
way) What’s all this? Another prowler?! Does no one lock the front door
anymore?!!
Average: Sir, I’m sorry for all
the trouble; please let us make it up to you and we’ll be on our way.
Beast: Your dad’s a trespassing
thief and you seem to be following in his footsteps, so no.
Maurice: Yeah Average, got a life
sentence for the rose you wanted – just sayin’.
Average: (To Beast) That’s a bit
harsh, don’t you think?
Beast: With my track record, I
consider it appropriate.
Average: All right then, you
extremely hairy person: I’ll stay in my father’s stead since I did ask for the
rose and didn’t specify from where – Dad simply wouldn’t last a week in here.
Maurice: Hey! And Average, I’d doubt you’d last a
week, either – go back to The World and leave your old Papa in prison for 100
years to life, hm? There’s a good girl.
Beast: This situation is getting
weirder and weirder; I just want to go back to sleep.
Average: If you insist, Papa, I’ll
leave you forever, but I appeal to whatever’s left of your captor’s soul so I
can hug you good-bye.
Beast: Ugh, fine, just end this
drama. (Opens the cell door)
Average: Yoink! (Shoves Maurice out and locks herself in)
Beast: Interesting. It seems numbskullery is hereditary – how tiresome. (He drags Maurice off to send him back to the
village as Average begins scratching the number of days on the cell wall)
Lumière: (Unlocking the cell
door) Surprise! Your sympathetic jailers
are also pieces of furniture!
Cogsworth: (Yelling from
downstairs) I’m the head piece!
Average: Oh dear – I’m surrounded
by demons. Should I sing about this?
Lumière: No need at the moment. We’ll set you up in the Mistress Chamber and just
let Nature take its course.
Average: “Mistress Chamber”?
Lumière: Maybe it’s best you
don’t ask about that. Or the infamous
West Wing that has been condemned by the castle’s architect. Or why we’ve all been transformed and what
it’ll take to change us back. In short,
shut up.
Average: I think I must have
fallen off Philippe back there and I’m really still in the woods, dying.
(They arrive in a dirty suite)
Lumière: Surprisingly, this is
the best room in the place right now.
Madame Garderobe:
<Aidaaaaaaaaaaa!!> (Sees Average)
Ah, Lumière, you finally procured our salvation!
Lumière: Heh-heh, what on Earth
are you talking about?
Mrs. Potts and Chip: (Arriving on
an out-of-control tea cart) Have some tea?
That’s all we’re allowed to do.
Average: (After introductions)
Did all of you just happen to be named for what you would later turn into? Is there a “Monsieur Organ” somewhere around
here?
Cogsworth: Not in this movie.
(The servants leave, Madame
Garderobe slips into her inexplicable narcolepsy, and Average begins her
construction of a crossbow-powered zipline to the woods)
(Back in the village, the entire
population is gathered in the mead hall since that is the only place where
anything worthwhile happens)
Gaston: (To LeFou) I’m not used
to my handsomeness being brushed aside as if it were trash. Is this what it feels like to be you?
LeFou: (Grinding his teeth) Let
me cheer you up with song!
Gaston: If you must. Hurry up, though – I’m getting sleepy since
it’s half past 8.
(LeFou spikes the alcoholic
beverages so that everyone knows the words to the song he just made up)
LeFou and Villagers: <We love
you, Gaston!>
Gaston: That’s it?
LeFou and Villagers: <You’re
the only eligible bachelor in town, Gaston!>
Gaston: This false adoration is
unworthy of you all; get some sense into your heads, people! (The song freezes) I’m joking – continue!
(Maurice bursts in)
Maurice: My daughter’s been
kidnapped, help!
Gaston: (Whispers to LeFou) Who
is this guy? (LeFou shrugs)
Maurice: Technically it’s all my
fault, but we need to storm the castle and bust Average out of there!
Gaston: Saving that suggestion for
later: what castle, who has her, and how can she thank me afterward?
Maurice: It’s a nearby castle
nobody remembers from before, a beast has her, and what?
Villagers: (In creepy unison)
There’s no such thing as beasts.
Maurice: Uhhh….
Gaston: Ignore those ignorants:
it’s time for me to rescue Average!
(Back at the Currently Enchanted
Castle, Lumière has the other servants prepare a romantic dinner for Beast and
“Guest”)
Lumière: I call this masterpiece
“Courtship by Coercion.”
Cogsworth: Your constant
undermining of my authority irks me to no end.
(Meanwhile, Beast sees their plan
and calls them out on it)
Beast: The heck is this?! Earlier you were all willing to let the old
guy rot, now you’re rolling out the VIP treatment because she’s a girl? Sexist.
And I haven’t gotten a chance yet to look up whether I’m still legally
allowed to detain people here!
Lumière: Yes Master, but she’s
not just any girl, she’s the girl.
To set us all free, yippee!
Beast: What? She’s the first female to arrive in years and
you automatically decide to doom me to an eternity with someone who could be a
psychopath, or just really annoying? I’d
rather stay a beast.
Mrs. Potts: Well we’d rather not
stay furniture, so if that means pimping you out to a stranger then so be it!
(Beast and the crew go up to
Average’s room)
Beast: (Speaking through
Average’s door) So, I think we got off on the wrong foot earlier: I said some
things, you said some things, we both made mistakes; how about we move past all
that and go out on a date?
Average: (Pauses in
mid-construction to speak around the makeshift nails she is holding in her
mouth) Hell. No.
Beast: Knew it – completely
unreasonable! No dinner for you, young
lady! (He stomps off to his room to cry,
but not before using a magic mirror to peep in on Average tearing the room
apart for supplies) Rude.
(A petal falls from the MacGuffin
Rose, causing the servants to become more furniture-like and the Currently
Enchanted Castle to shake and disintegrate in places)
Average: Great, I have to deal
with earthquakes here, too?
(The servants huddle up and form
a new plan. Mrs. Potts wheels into the
suite on her cart to play Good Cop, just as Average prepares to fire)
Mrs. Potts: Now, now, dear, let
your replacement mother offer you tea to solve all your problems – the
manufacture of it certainly causes enough.
Chip: Drink out of my head!
Average: Pass. So what’s the deal here? Why are you all devoted to that creep?
Mrs. Potts: Because he actually
still pays us.
(The servants finish their
preparations)
Lumière: Maestro Cadenza, do your
thing so we can hurry up the miracle of love and you can be restored to your
wife!
Maestro Cadenza: I will do my
utmost to provide mood music without my life partner, although I forget: what
is my purpose in this castle beyond playing at parties?
Cogsworth: No questions from a
non-canon character!
(In the dining room, Average is
treated to Lumière’s stage show)
Lumière: <Eat our food/ Drink
our wine/ The idea for this con act is mine/ Feel your soul and free will melt
away as you begin to dine>
(In the Impossibly Huge Library,
the muted spectacle can be heard)
Beast: (Looks up and mutters) One
night, just one night where they don’t sing their fool heads off. (Returns to reading The Kama Sutra)
Lumière: (Grand Finale)
<Forget your strife/ You’re here for life/ Be his wiiiiiiife!>
Average: What was that last part?
Lumière: No dinner for you, young
lady! (The entire 10-course meal is
thrown out and Mrs. Potts escorts Average back to her room)
Average: Well. That was lovely and all, but I’m still
famished.
Mrs. Potts: I left some tea for
you upstairs, Your Highness; sleep tight!
(Wheels away)
Average: (Sees the stairs to the
West Wing) I owe these people nothing, I owe these people nothing…. (She runs
up there and sees Beast’s destroyed room) Oh my! This place… is… FILTHY! No wonder he’s always in such a bad
mood. (She sees his human family
portrait) Wonder why the father and son are symbolically scratched up? Did he kill them? (She then sees the MacGuffin Rose suspended
in an upside-down glass vase) How pretty!
Does he have the spirit of the woman in the painting trapped in
there? (She leans in for a closer look
just as Beast arrives)
Beast: Not the MacGuffin! Can’t your family ever stop touching my
stuff?!
Average: And I’m out! (She runs downstairs, grabs a parka, snow
boots, and food for a week, and is out the door before the ineffectual servants
can stop her)
Lumière: But I thought she liked the dinner theater?
(Average rides Philippe until she
runs afoul of the Plot-Convenient Wolves)
Average: Are there really no
other roads out of this place?!
(She and Philippe position
themselves back-to-back to fight the wolves; the lead one gets the upper paw on
them until Beast arrives)
Beast: Now this is true
sport! (He wrestles the wolves until
they run away)
Lead Wolf: (On the run) But
Master, you said to keep them here –
Beast: That’s enough out of you,
Game Warden! (Collapses from his wounds)
Average: (Starts to ride away) I
owe these people nothing, I owe these – oh, I’d be a murderer if I left
now. (She dismounts and single-handedly
lifts Beast onto Philippe to bring him back to the Currently Enchanted Castle)
(In another part of the woods,
Gaston drives a cart with Maurice and LeFou)
Maurice: Maybe it was the third
tree on the second left…
Gaston: That’s it, future
father-in-law, I’m leaving you here to die!
(Ties Maurice to a tree, adding a slab of meat around his neck)
Maurice: I object to scoundrels
as sons-in-law, anyway!
LeFou: If I lodge a meek protest
will I still be charged as an accessory later?
Gaston: Nonsense, LeFou, you know
laws don’t exist here! (They ride off)
(Back at the Currently Enchanted
Castle, in Beast’s room Average attempts First Aid after speed reading Gray's Anatomy)
Beast: You’re an awful doctor and
a middling paramedic.
Average: Well you’re mean!
Beast: Well you’re nosy! And so’s your old man!
Average: And you’re a spoiled
brat!
Beast: (Turns away) Sore
spot. (Falls asleep)
Average: (To the servants) Now
that you’ve spilled the beans off-screen about the details of your
enchantedness, why haven’t you done what needs to be done to reverse it? Or killed this guy here; I’m sure that would
work, too.
Cogsworth: Actually –
Lumière: Nope, nothing to be done
right now, but I’m sure the foundations for breaking the spell are being laid
as we speak!
Average: That Enchantress was
cruel for cursing you all along with him, though.
Mrs. Potts: No, we later realized
that we totally deserved it. He was a
cute kid but his awful father made him just as awful as he was and we didn’t
interfere, even though we raised him.
Average: Doesn’t that just prove
that he sincerely is an awful person?
And what could you have done to stop it – you’re paid to obey and you
have no rights, so you couldn’t contradict how your Master treated his own son
anyway!
Mrs. Potts: <Gasps> You’re
right! I’ve had it all wrong this whole
time! Ooh, I really hate them both now!
(Beast dreams about his younger
self singing to his dead mother while his overbearing father squashes his inner
light)
Young Prince: <You’re the only
good in my life!>
Beast: Even when I’m asleep I’m
surrounded by singing.
Servants: <Maybe one day/ We
will be real people again/ And have to deal with hunger, cold, thirst, disease/
Hopefully one day soon!>
Average: <How can they all be
so happy?/ I’m still miserable!>
(Checking on Beast) <He’s actually smiling!>
Beast: No, it’s a grimace. Please make them stop, I’m begging you: you
have no idea what it’s been like, year after year after year….
(He later wakes up for reals with
his wounds completely healed)
Average: Oh good, you’re
awake. Let me recite some love sonnets
to you, then, for kicks and giggles.
Beast: Ew, that’s gross.
Average: That’s all the
literature I’ve got from memory, pal!
Beast: I see; it’s up to me then
to broaden your horizons – (They go to the Impossibly Huge Library) – with all
these here. Get cracking; you apparently
have a lot of catching up to do.
Average: Ho-ly – you own
all these books?! Squee!! (Faints in
appreciation)
Beast: Hmm. Guess my extreme wealth made me take a few
things for granted. Never would have
thought some commoner would make me realize that.
Average: (Recovers) Sorry, it’s
just that this is my Heaven.
Beast: Aw, you’re a nerd! I’m a dork – nice to meet you.
(They stroll around the grounds
in the summer snow reading poetry to each other)
Average:
“Water, water, everywhere/ Nor any drop to drink.”
Beast: (Brushes away a tear) I
never knew that life could be so beautiful!
Average: Here, go bond with my
horse for awhile, beast-to-beast.
Beast: I’d be insulted, if he
wasn’t so precious! (To Philippe) Who’s
a good boy; you are! (They bond, until
Average wages snowball war upon Beast and wins with the sheer number of her
artillery)
Average: Loosen up,
stick-in-the-mud!
Beast: Is this what childhood was
supposed to feel like? Because I LOVE
IT! (Returns fire)
(The servants spy on them the
whole time)
Servants: <This is the weirdest
courtship we’ve ever seen!>
Average: <He was a bit rotten/
Now I see he just needed a friend like me/ And if I start feeling all mushy/
Since he’s really human it’s technically not bestiality>
Beast: <I’ve got a crush/ And
it’s so bad/ That now I’m singing in that way that makes me mad!>
Servants: <Here’s hoping they
make out by tomorrow!>
Chip: Yuck!
Mrs. Potts: Oh grow up.
(Meanwhile, back in the woods)
Maurice: (Still tied to the tree,
surrounded by flies attacking the meat around his neck) I think I’ve lost all
feeling in my limbs.
“Agathe”: Come along now – no
murder in the second degree on my watch.
(She takes him to her hovel and gives him food)
Maurice: You’re really nice, for
a witch.
“Agathe”: That’s Enchan – you’re
welcome, peasant.
(Back at the Currently Enchanted
Castle, there is a montage of the bookworms reading all over the place,
realizing that the ensuing silence makes for the perfect relationship. Average randomly wanders onto Beast reading
in the garden)
Average: Which one’s that?
Beast: None of your business,
that’s why I’m reading it out here, go away!
Average: Was that couple in the
picture there naked?
Beast: Never you mind, lass. So, what’ve you been up to?
Average: Reading.
Beast: Ah. (They hear the servants gallivanting in the
castle) They’re certainly living the life – I don’t think an ounce of
real work has been done here in ages.
They all hate me, you may have realized by now.
Average: That’s all right; my
village calls me a freak.
Beast: Those douches. I’ll go back to not feeling bad about
exploiting them for all that time.
(After a beat) Would you like me to have them killed?
Average: That’s not necessary,
but very kind of you to offer.
Beast: (Thinks for a moment) How about we
elope? I mean, run off together? I mean – can I show you something?
Average: Is it your dirty book?
Beast: Not yet.
(They go to their date spot in
the Impossibly Huge Library)
Beast: The Enchantress showered
me with gifts when she cursed us – I think she secretly wanted me – and one of
them was this magic book that takes you anywhere, sort of like a flying carpet
with pages.
Average: Sure, I’m willing to believe anything now.
Beast: Just think lovely
thoughts, and off you – (They are transported to the Moulin Rouge) Why are we in
this disgusting garret?
Average: <This is my childhood
home!>
Beast: Oh. It’s cozy.
(He sees a doctor’s mask) Someone
here died of plague? Just curious: is
the incubation period on that days or decades?
(Average inserts flashbacks of
her mother saying good-bye to Baby Average and Young Maurice)
Average: I’m going to take this
plague-kissed toy rose as a memento of my mother.
Beast: Of course it’d be a
rose. I’m probably going to die by one
at this rate.
(They return to the Impossibly
Huge Library, bummed out thinking about their mutual motherlessness)
Average: So, for next time, maybe
not the magic book that leads to depressing memories?
Beast: (Tossing it into the
fireplace) Say no more.
(Back at the village, Gaston and
LeFou return to the mead hall)
LeFou: I still feel guilty about
our indirect homicide.
Gaston: It’s cute that you have a
conscience and all, but it’s also boring.
(They see Maurice and “Agathe” are at the center of attention)
Maurice! I’d’ve thought you’d gotten
yourself killed by now!
Maurice: See! He tried to kill me to show how evil he
is! “Agathe” and LeFou will tell you!
Gaston: “Agathe” is a non-credible source and
LeFou is my stooge, so you’ve got nothin’.
LeFou: I hate to say he’s right.
Gaston: Less than nothin’, even –
let’s lock him up in the loony bin!
Villagers: Hurrah!
Maurice and The Few Good People
There: This is a disappointing reversal.
(At the castle, Beast is getting
hosed down)
Beast: But I don’t want to go on
a real date! Can’t I just stay
home?
Lumière: You are home,
Master – now, this’ll be just like the old days with all those extravagant parties
you used to have, hm? Except there’ll
only be one guest and you’ll have to behave yourself.
Beast: Yes yes, that’s all fine,
but what if I ask her to dance and she says “No thank you”?
Plumette: I doubt that’ll be an
issue. Now let us finish primping you
up!
Beast: There’s no fixing this
disaster of a face.
Mrs. Potts: Listen, sonny, the
rose petals are nearly all gone so you better not mess this up for us or else
there’ll be no one to wait on you hand and foot ever again!
Beast: No one?! I’ll have to take care of myself?!!
Mrs. Potts: Finally sinking
in. Now go make her be in love with you, tout de suite! (They kick him out, all dolled up)
(Average also gets all dolled up)
Average: Never thought I’d get to
go to a fancy ball.
Madame Garderobe: And you still won’t:
it doesn’t count if there are only two attendees. Via!
(Average and Beast stare at each
other across the staircase)
Average: Why are you wearing a
grey jumpsuit with strange things attached all over?
Beast: What? Oh, wait a moment. (CGI kicks in) Better?
Average: Yes. What a handsome beast you are.
Beast: Uhhh, thanks? But you know that this isn’t how I really
look.
Average: I’m starting to dig it.
(They dance all over the ballroom
floor, to the envy of guests at crowded dances everywhere)
Mrs. Potts: <Love is in the
air/ Forced love though it be/ Meet-cute turns into respect/ Then they realize/
They’re each other’s last chance>
Beast: Knock it off!
Mrs. Potts: Leave be as you
say. (On her way out) If we ever are
human again, I’m either going to find work in another castle or spit in his tea
every day.
(Average and Beast finish dancing
and get some fresh air on the balcony)
Average: That was my first
formal!
Beast: Oh, I’ve had dozens, but
this honestly is the first that wasn’t a complete bore.
Average: Thank you; you’re so
sweet! (Scratches him behind his ear,
making him tap his foot)
Beast: Soo, think you’d be happy
in your life sentence here?
Average: Since you just reminded
me that I’m technically still a prisoner, then no. Plus my father’s probably burned the house
down by now; he’s always so lost without me.
Beast: That’s true. Hey, let’s find out! (He takes her to the now-open West Wing and
shows her the magic mirror) Yet another
handy Enchantress gift! Tell it to show
him to you!
Average: OK – wait a minute, have
you used this to spy on me?
Beast: Only the one time. You still hated me then and all you were
doing was destroying the room, so it’s cool.
Average: All right. (Starts to look in the mirror)
Beast: And maybe one other time –
Average: Never mind! (To the mirror) Show me my father!
Mirror: Everyone’s always so rude
with me; you would say “Please” if I’d been an enchanted human. (Shows Maurice being corralled by the
villagers)
Average: Those douches!
Beast: I agree. Go save your daddy, then. I’d offer to help, but they’d probably stone
me.
Average: Wow. Just like that, I’m free. I should’ve played this card earlier. (She tries to hand the mirror back to him)
Beast: No, take it with you. You can spy on me, if you like.
Average: I probably won’t, but
thanks! (Leaves, presumably forever)
Beast: Oh no – I’ve sealed our
doom – I feel it coming – the song – <She’s left meeee/
Howlllll!!!!> (Sobs in depression as
his life of nightly musicals stretches before him)
Average: (Riding away on
Philippe) Sounds like a heart breaking, or an annoyed dog. Can’t think about that now, I’m on a mission
again! Such excitement finally in my
life, I can hardly contain myself!
(In the village, the madhouse
transporter is ready to lock up Maurice in a wagon just as Average arrives)
Average: What has been going on here
since I mysteriously vanished?
Gaston: Yes, where have
you been? Unmarried girls aren’t allowed
to go off and have adventures!
Villager: We’re committing your
father for saying that a beast held you prisoner in his castle, which is too
preposterous to ever be true.
Average: Is too true! Here’s a magic mirror to prove it! (To mirror) Show me that manly Beast!
Mirror: Sigh, “Please”? All right.
(Shows Beast singing and howling)
Average: Wow, he’s in bad
shape. Wonder why?
Gaston: Give me that! (He snatches the mirror from Average) What a
fright.
Average: You take that back! He’s a sweetheart!
Gaston: Oh no! You went and got the hots for someone else
while I wasn’t looking!
Average: Did not! Well –
Gaston: He is now my rival and
therefore must die. Form a mob, everyone! (They form their usual mob and lock Average
and Maurice in the wagon) For inspiration, let’s all sing together.
Villagers: But of course!
Gaston and Villagers: <Death
to freaks!>
(They head for the Currently
Enchanted Castle)
LeFou: <Is it too late to grow
a spine?>
(At the Currently Enchanted Castle,
the servants go to Beast in his room)
Lumière: Your wooing went
wonderfully. Should I open the champagne
now or wait until your engagement is officially announced?
Beast: Wait forever; she’s gone. I finally learned how to be decent, so I let
her leave.
Mrs. Potts: Knew we’d be messed
over. That’s all fine and dandy that
you’ve reformed, but what about us?
Apparently you’re not loveable enough to break curses.
Beast: Sorry guys. Would an extra turkey at Christmastime make
it better?
Lumière: Fat lot of good food’ll
do us when we’re inanimate objects.
(In the wagon, Average and
Maurice have a heart-to-heart)
Maurice: Well, we’re imprisoned
again, but I see you finally busted out of that castle – that’s my girl.
Average: Uh, to tell you the
truth, Beast and I bonded over books, had a romantic evening, and he said I
could go home to save you.
Maurice: Must say, didn’t see
that coming.
Average: He also had a magic book
that showed me why you abandoned Maman to save me and yourself from plague.
Maurice: Wow, that Beast sounds
like a witch. But you see I
wasn’t a coward all those years ago, yes?
Average: Sure, whatever you say. Now let’s get out of here! (They burst through the door and Average
rides Philippe back to the Currently Enchanted Castle)
Philippe: Make up your mind,
girl.
(Meanwhile, the still-wounded
Plot-Convenient Wolves allow the mob through the woods)
Plot-Convenient Wolves: Revenge!
(The mob arrives at the Currently
Enchanted Castle and starts knocking on the now-locked front door with
battering rams)
Servants: (Trying to barricade
the entrance) <Save our Beast!>
Mob: <Death to freaks!>
(High above all that)
Beast: Oh look, it’s the
villagers. Wonder if they’re here to
start offering tribute again.
Cogsworth: (Arriving) Master, we
appear to be under siege.
Beast: Handle it, would you? I’m emotionally exhausted.
(The servants quickly form a
battle plan, allow the mob in, and attack with their unique attributes)
LeFou: (After being pummeled by
the furniture) This is all on you, Gaston!
Gaston: Can’t hear you, must
dash! (He runs upstairs to find Beast)
LeFou: That’s it, I’m switching
sides. (Does so)
(The servants and LeFou triumph
and the mob staggers away from the castle as Average arrives)
Lumière: This has been one wild
night!
(Gaston arrives at Beast’s room)
Beast: And here’s another
one. Does nobody in this world respect
personal property?
Gaston: Average, my fiancée this
whole time, told me to dispose of you – she only wants me, me, me!
Beast: Ahahahahaha! Oh, you’re being serious.
(Gaston shoots him to prove just
that; Beast leaps across turrets to get away)
Beast: Certainly couldn’t do this
as a human, no sir.
Gaston: (Preparing to reload on
the balcony) You know, I’ve always wanted to hunt The Most Dangerous Game;
thanks to magic, I get my wish.
Average: (Appears suddenly and
disarms him) Careful what you wish for!
(Punches him in the face, making him fall to another ledge)
Beast: (Soldiering through the
blood loss half a mile away, he sees Average) You’re here! How romantic!
Average: Stay where you are; I
don’t want you heroically risking your life just to be near me!
Beast: All the more reason
to! (He jumps a few turrets back just to
be near her)
Average: I feel so special.
Gaston: (Pops up where Beast
lands) Aha! Got you now! (Beast grabs him by the hair and prepares to
throw him away) Wait! I don’t wanna die,
I’m a blinkin’ coward, and I just wet my pants, waaaah!
Beast: And I thought I was
a fraud. (Gently lowers Gaston to a
ledge) Run away, little man! And
remember that I truly am your better in every way.
Gaston: Yes, m’lord, I completely
agree! (Runs away)
Beast: (Leaps a gravity-defying
distance and scrambles onto the balcony where Average is) Hi. You’re back.
With company.
Average: They overpowered me and
went off all crazy – I couldn’t stop them!
Beast: Eh, not your fault, and no
real harm done. It’s rather exciting,
isn’t it? (Gaston shoots him again) Or
not. (Collapses)
Average: (Throws herself in front
of Beast and yells at Gaston) You beast!
Gaston: That’s “Husband Beast” to
you. (Shoots Beast again)
Beast: Oh come on!
(The ledge Gaston is standing on
crumbles away from being weakened with all those MacGuffin Rose earthquakes,
and from his constant gun-firing)
Gaston: (Falling to his
off-screen death) Oh, the situational ironyyyyyyy...!
(Average cries over the dying
Beast; they happen to be next to the simultaneously dying MacGuffin Rose. “Agathe” approaches unobserved and watches
the moving scene)
Beast: Never thought our date
night would end like this, did you?
Average: Well, I treated you
successfully for wolf wounds earlier; how about I try my hand at trauma
surgery, whaddya say?
Beast: You’re a sweetheart. (Dies as the last petal coincidentally falls)
(The servants celebrating their
victory outside the Currently Enchanted Castle suddenly stop as they take turns freezing into
permanent furniture)
Servants: Good-bye, cruel world!
(Average resumes crying over
Beast)
“Agathe”/Revealed Enchantress: Glad
this finally ended; I can pack it up and call it a day.
Average: (To Beast) At long last
I realize what love is and you’re it, so I posthumously forbid you to die!
Enchantress: Hm. This technically is after the last
petal fell and he never actually said out loud that he loved her, but I’ll
allow it. (She uses her power over life
and death to revive the dead Beast and turn him back into Prince by shaving
him, then peaces out)
Prince: (Feeling
his face) I’m smooth! I’m shorter! I have no more overbite! (He turns to face Average)
Average: Who the blazes are you?!
Prince: The guy who just took
three bullets for you!
Average: Oh. You’re not going to revert to being a jerk
now that you’re acceptable to society again, right?
Prince: Nope! I’m cured of my elite-itis.
(Only when they kiss to seal the
deal does the castle return to its former glory and the furniture servants are changed
back into humans and make out with each other)
Chip: Yuck.
Lumière: (Looks up at the West
Wing) Finally! What took you two so
long?!
(The former mob returns with
their memories of the Currently Unenchanted Castle and its inhabitants, and all
are reunited)
Cogsworth: This is not a
happy ending for me.
(Average and Prince make their
entrance among the common folk)
Prince: Good people! I forgive you of your many crimes against me!
Villager: And we forgive you
for taking all our money for so long – since you now look like a hippie, we’ll
just move into your castle and let bygones be bygones.
Prince: Fine by me! I now live by my new motto of liberty,
equality, fraternity!
Average: You can thank me for
teaching him that.
LeFou: Um, can someone help me
with Gaston over here? He’s a bit of a
mess.
(The peasants and aristocrat have
a ball to make the story come full circle)
Madame Garderobe: <As with any
operatic comedy/ Love conquers all!>
Mrs. Potts: <She was so
Average/ And he was such a Beast/ But now we all can breathe/ And continue with
our lives/ And I can stop making tea>
Maurice: Will singing be a requirement for us to live here?
Average: (To Prince as they
dance) Why are you looking at me as if I’m a meal?
Prince: There’s a book I want to
read with you later – you know the one, rowrr.
Average: This experience certainly
has made you adventurous, if nothing else.
Enchantress: (Watching from afar)
You all learned your lesson? Good –
don’t make me come back here ever again.
Madame Garderobe:
<THE END!>
