Sunday, April 2, 2017

Star Trek Beyond the Canon (A parody of "Star Trek Beyond")

(Scenes of the Enterprise flying by, blissfully unaware of its impending doom)

The Doomed Enterprise: What?!  I have a good 20+ years before I’m self-destructed by Kirk during The Search for Spock – which has all been undone by the previous movie, right.  Carry on then, I guess.

(This version of Kirk presents a gift of an ancient weapon from one species to its former enemy)

Kirk: So, in the spirit of peace, they asked me to give you this presumably deactivated nuke.

Teenaxi Leader: And they didn’t give it to us themselves because it’s a trap to kill us all!

Kirk: Is it just me, or do you also think a qualified ambassador should’ve been the one to handle this?  (Tiny Teenaxis swarm him as he opens his communicator) Doomed Enterprise!  Poorly named “Operation: Trojan Horse” has failed!  Beam me out of here!

Scotty: (Beams him back onto the ship) Not for nothing, sir, but not only was it a security risk sending you there alone, I also was unable to beam you back alone.

Kirk: (Kicking away tiny Teenaxis as he heads to his quarters) Initiate hostage-taking protocol, implement Stockholm Syndrome-ing of the weak, I want them working on the Bridge by tomorrow.

(Spock and Bones are waiting for him in the corridor)

Bones: Jim, your constant failures at diplomacy may be a sign that you need a change in your life.

Spock: Yes, it appears that you are suffering from early-onset mid-life crisis.

Kirk: Am not!  Now leave me to my Captain’s Log monologing and checking my hair for pesky grays.

Captain’s Log: We are in Season 3 of our space adventures and have yet to be cancelled.  Space is vast and full of wonders, we are surrounded by constant danger, a star went nova right next to us the other day, and I am so boooooooooooooored!  If only we had more space battles, then I’d be truly happy.  Note to Universe: that does not count as a wish for which I should be careful.

(The deactivated nuke’s display shimmers to show that someone is eavesdropping on his private permanent record)

Captain’s Log: Supplemental to my first diary entry.  The humdrumness of it all is slowly beginning to drive me insane.  I am surrounded by soap opera hook-ups and break-ups, yet I, James “The Man” Kirk, have been feeling more and more like the den mother.  Look at that, I didn’t even have the impulse to leer at that passing female crew member!  Dear Lord, what have I become?!

(Bones gives Kirk some booze at a private mini-bar)

Bones: Here’s to your upcoming birthday, with booze stolen from Chekov!  Don’t really know why I’m celebrating it early.

Kirk: Speaking of my birthday always reminds me of my daddy issues, especially since it was the same day that he died and now I’m older than he ever was.  Those issues haunt me every day, so that my constant successes fail to live up to his single grand self-sacrifice.  I’m thinking of arranging for a catastrophe similar to the one he had faced, just so I can look at myself in the mirror each morning.

Bones: You realize that to match his achievement you’d have to die, yes?

Kirk: That part I’d figure out some way around like I did last movie – the point is, I’ll never equal his towering accomplishment the way I’m living now.  Captain of the flagship, bah!  Trifles.

Bones: I can’t believe we’re having this conversation seven years into the franchise – that’s as long as a TV series!  If your dad shows up one day from Old Spock’s universe and you prove yourself to him while simultaneously causing this universe to collapse in on itself and restore the balance of things, then would you shut up about it?

Kirk: Maybe.

(The Doomed Enterprise arrives at Starbase Yorktown, cruising around the gravity-defying highways and byways.  The crew members disembark and disperse to their lives)

Uhura: Spock, take your love token necklace back – one of the reasons that we’re no longer an item is that it wasn’t an engagement ring.

Spock: No take-backsies, I am afraid; it will be needed in the story later.  Other than my breaking up with you first, what is another reason that we are no longer a chaste couple?

Uhura: I need a storyline that doesn’t involve you.

Spock: Duly noted.

(He relishes in his newfound freedom for 1.2 seconds before he is stopped by ominous bureaucrats)

Bureaucrat 1: You are dead, Spock.

Spock: How is that?

Bureaucrat 2: Apologies, he meant to say that Old Alternate You is dead.  Here is a gift box with a photo of the Alternate Universe crew, to make it even more confusing.

Spock: How awkwardly tragic.

(Kirk wanders amongst all the happy people and sees Sulu go off with his husband and daughter)

Kirk: Don’t tell me that my biological clock is ticking now, I can’t take it!  Plus those paternity suits are totally bogus.

(He meets with Commodore Paris)

Commodore: We received your application to leap-frog ranks once more, this time to Vice Admiral.  How old are you again?

Kirk: A gentleman never tells his age.  And you’re not allowed to ask me that.

Commodore: That means you’re too young.  Looking for the desk job already, eh?

Kirk: I’m told that there’s plenty of walking to meetings; I’m up to the challenge.  Spock can take The Doomed Enterprise – he’s earned it, after years of catering to my every whim.

Commodore: Ponder spending the rest of your life permanently grounded.  It’s not as if anyone has ever gone back to being Captain after serving as Admiral.

Kirk: Don’t bet on it.

(He meets Spock in a turbolift)

Kirk: So… subtext says I’m breaking up with you.

Spock: Subtext says not if I break up with you first.

Kirk: I think we’ve had enough alone time for this movie – we need to start seeing other people.

Spock: Finally.  It has been a toss-up between you and Uhura on who I have been sick of more.  Of course, subtext also says that I plan on going to New Vulcan to produce some mini-versions of myself with some unknown female version of me, so this may all just be my going from the frying pan into the fire.

(A ship in distress arrives at Yorktown and the survivor’s alien speech is deciphered instantly)

Kalara: [Help me and my crew!]

Commodore: It’s what we do, but why are you wearing a Halloween mask?

Kalara: [No questions, and begin your rescue immediately!  I won’t ask for the ship that I want you to send.]

Commodore: The planet is in the middle of an uncharted nebula, so the best ship available right now is The Doomed Enterprise.

Kalara: Sweet!  [Many thanks.]

Kirk: Awesome!  I love unchartedness!

Commodore: Not when I tell you that no communications can transmit outside of the nebula.

Kirk: Oh.

Commodore: And we’re sending your ship in all alone.

Kirk: Oh….

Commodore: With only the weapons that you have onboard now, which are paltry.

Kirk: Oh…. This seems tactically unsound and not well-thought-out at all and I LOVE IT!

(The Doomed Enterprise sails majestically out of spacedock – for the last time)

The Doomed Enterprise: [Weeps]

Kirk: (Addresses the crew on the intercom) Listen up people, this is a routine rescue mission in unknown territory with no back-up.  Normally that would just be a Tuesday, but there are so many undercurrents of ways-parting and journeys-ending that I’m-getting-a-little-choked-up-right-now-Kirk-out.

(They arrive in the communications-blocking nebula and approach the only planet there)

Kalara: [My ship is stuck down there.]

Uhura: Right next to the signs that read “Devil’s Snare,” “Spider’s Web,” and “This Is a Trap”?

Kalara: [Precisely.  Just ignore the signs, they’re gibberish.]

Chekov: Captain, an alarming swarm of space gnats is headed this way.

Kirk: Odd.  Tell them we say “Hi.”

Uhura: Our communications are jammed!

Kirk: Odd.  Get a little closer then, Mr. Sulu, would you?

Sulu: With all due respect, sir, the combination of circumstances clearly indicate that we should get the blazes out of here.

Kirk: (Drinking tea) All in good time.  We are on a rescue mission, after all; it would be poor form if we tucked tail and ran right after we got here.

(The gnats attack)

Chekov: There are holes in the hull on decks – everywhere!  People are flying out into space like crazy!

Kirk: (Turns to the back of the Bridge) Spock, Bones, mind looking into that for me?  (Sees that they already had left) Hm.

Kalara: [I cannot believe that you are letting me stay here rather than locking me up at this point.]

Kirk: I suppose phasers and photon torpedoes wouldn’t be out of order at this time – fire away.  Sulu, you can proceed with backing away slowly now.

Sulu: (Flooring the gas) We’re stalled!

Kirk: Interesting.  (To Engineering) I say, Scotty old chum, is there a bit of trouble with the warp engines?

Scotty: Only in that they’ve been sheared clean off!  There they go into the void, my poor babies!  Never in all my life have I seen such desecration!

Kirk: Don’t be so dramatic – we still have impulse engines, use them.

Sulu: Technobabble is preventing me, sir!

Kirk: Sigh.  Let me take a look, then.  Mr. Sulu, you’re in charge as you usually are when I’m gone.

Sulu: If I had been from the beginning, we never would’ve come here!  Sir.

Kirk: No one likes a hindsighter.  (Enters the turbolift)  See all y’all later!

(Meanwhile, Spock and Bones have been phasering invaders and see that they are trying to steal the deactivated nuke from the opening act)

Spock: (Upon meeting Kirk in the corridor) It appears the comic relief turned out to be a surprise MacGuffin.

Kirk: Blast.  I should have activated it when I had the chance.

(Krall, the leader of the invaders, fights Spock and Bones into them boarding one of the alien ships that are attached to the hull)

Bones: How fortuitous for us – let’s bail!

Spock: I concur that now is as good a time as any, and yet better than later.

(Kirk winds up with the nuke as the ship gets all topsy turvy)

Kirk: (To Krall) Let’s play Keep Away!  (He tosses the nuke around to confuse his opponent)

Krall: (To his gnats) [Commit shipicide.]

(The gnats finish murdering The Doomed Enterprise)

Kirk: (Hanging upside-down at a comm station to address the crew) Folks, it’s come to my attention that the ship has become unable to sustain life.  You have my permission to leave as soon as it’s most opportune.  (He passes by fleeing crew members and stops one) You!  Yeoman…

Ensign: Ensign.

Kirk: Yes!  I need you for your mind.

Ensign: Oh sir, you really have matured, instead of wanting me for my body you want me for my brains –

Kirk: I should have been more specific: I need you for your nifty back-of-your-head.

Ensign: That’s all anyone ever needs my people for, it seems.

(The crew abandons ship in various ways as Kirk calls the Bridge)

Kirk: So!  We’re going to do a routine saucer separation and engage the battle drive –

Sulu: That will be the Enterprise D, sir; this one just separates so we can get impulse, for some reason.  And of course it has to be done manually.

Kirk: Of course.  Who’s left?  Uhura, get on that!

Uhura: Finally, something hands-on for me to do!

(They meet up in Engineering at the same time that Krall arrives)

Krall: [Give me the nuke!]

Kirk: You’ll never get my bait-and-switch!

(They fight until Krall takes the nuke and they are separated enough for Uhura to separate the ship, trapping herself with Krall as Kirk gets to stay with the crashing part of the ship)

Kirk: Sorry lady, that’s what you get when you take initiative.

(Krall sees that he has an empty box)

Krall: [I should have expected nothing less than a convenient complication.]

(Kirk makes his way back to the Bridge)

Kirk: OK guys, think we should split right about now?

Sulu: I wanted to ages ago!  The escape pods are all being taken by the other ships, though, so not much of a motivation to leave at this moment.

Kirk: Well you’re all welcome to stay here.  I’m certainly not going down with the ship, and I’m the Captain.

Sulu: Just remember, Captain: this all happened on your watch.

(The remaining crew members board their escape pods and flee.  Kirk gets a front row view of The Doomed Enterprise’s saucer section gracefully falling to the planet’s surface, hitting cliffs and trees all the way down)

The Doomed Enterprise: Avenge meeeeeeee – ow, ow, ow….

Kirk: I feel nothing in my soul.  Maybe it really wasn’t such a good idea to promote me to Captain while I was still in the Academy all those years ago, after all.

(Scotty, needing to be different, shoots himself out of the ship inside a photon torpedo so he can land on the planet’s surface, and explodes on impact – actually, he leaps daringly out of it as it hovers on the edge of a cliff and then falls away, amazingly not taking him with it)

Scotty: At last, more stunt work for me!  These class rings sure do get in the way, though.

(Bones and Spock emerge from their hijacked ship)

Bones: This is a real pickle – I’m a doctor, dammit, not a survivalist!  No, wait – I’m a doctor, dammit, not a stunt pilot!  No, dammit – I’m a doctor, dammit –

Spock: Fortunately for me you are, since I appear to be impaled.  (Emerges impaled)

Bones: Darn tootin’ you’re fortunate, else your story would end right now.  (Performs emergency first aid on him)

Spock: Ouchie.  Pain brings out my emotional side.

(Kirk emerges from his pod and soon encounters Chekov and Kalara)

Kirk: Oh!  I was kind of hoping you’d be Scotty – he seems like he’d be a lot of fun to be stranded on a strange planet with.

Chekov: Your friends can’t save you now: you’re stuck with the kid.

Kirk: (To Kalara) Right, you’re finally not seeming so innocent to me now, so once I find a good-sized sinkhole I’m throwing you into it.

Kalara: [Wait!  Krall made me lure you in so he would spare my crew, who are like my family, isn’t that your same old sob story?]

Kirk: That sounds very much like a Khan rationalization there, so I’ll buy it.

(Scotty is confronted by fellow strandees who are not from his tour group)

Strandee 1: [Take his stuff!]

Strandee 2: [Rough him up!]

Strandee 3: [Then invite him to tea; we haven’t had a new arrival in months.]

Scotty: Don’t know whether `tis nobler of me to fight outnumbered or just roll over.

[Jaylah, another strandee, enters with an entourage of herself and sends the other strandees running]

Jaylah: [This one’s mine!]

Scotty: Oh thank you, unless you’re actually working with them to gain my trust and later rob me without a fight.

Jaylah: Oh, you speak the language and have the insignia of my house.

Scotty: …Strange that we’ve never met before, then.

Jaylah: You help me get out of here and I will help you get out of here, capisce, amigo?  Je ne sais quoi!

Scotty: This is getting interesting.  (Leaves with her)

(Uhura and Sulu reunite with the other Doomed Enterprise prisoners in a rock quarry)

Uhura: This certainly doesn’t bode well for our screentime.

Sulu: Don’t worry: if we come up with an escape plan, we’ll be the heroes!  Or die trying, but either way we’ll have meaty roles.

(Scotty and Jaylah arrive at a derelict ship)

Jaylah: Make it fly out of here!

Scotty: Due to its extremely advanced age and state of decay, that’s clearly impossible.  But all right.

(Spock and Bones hobble aimlessly until they find a cave to hunker down)

Bones: The symbols in here seem important to the plot.

Spock: Yadda, yadda, yadda.  I’m depressed because I’m dead.

Bones: Don’t impugn my skills – you’ll live because I’m a doctor, dammit!

Spock: No, I mean Old Me is dead.  And he was such a great being.  I’m so bummed out, man.

Bones: That’s certainly existentially disturbing.  And a tad narcissistic.

Spock: Not if you view this as a tribute to Leonard Nimoy.

Bones: In that case, it’s acceptable.

Spock: On a tangent, I broke up with Uhura because I needed to make almost-pure-blood Vulcans to repopulate the race, just as Old Spock would have wanted.

Bones: I doubt that he would have.  Just ask her to marry you and make partial-blood Vulcans with her, it’s not going to end the species!

Spock: I wish I had thought of that before I dumped her and gave her the upper hand emotionally.

(On the derelict ship, Jaylah plays some rap music on a boom box)

Scotty: That works, too?  How sentimentally advantageous!

Jaylah: I find it awesome.  Now fix my house and fly it out of here!

Scotty: Sure, and then you’ll help me and my friends, right?

Jaylah: …Sure.

(That night, Kirk, Chekov, and Kalara approach the burning saucer of The Doomed Enterprise, now The Destroyed Enterprise)

The Destroyed Enterprise: (Sniffs) You came back to fix me!

Kirk: Oh you’re toast, darling.  We just came back to “pick up something.” (Winks)

The Destroyed Enterprise: Typical.

(The three climb aboard and open a compartment in one of the corridors)

Kalara: [I will not wait to see it opened before I turn on you!]  (Trains a weapon on Kirk and calls to Krall that she has the nuke) [Fool you twice, eh, Jimmy?] (Finally opens the nuke and sees that it is empty) [Oops.]

Kirk: Actually, fool you twice – that’s the second bait-and-switch you guys have fallen for in the space of a day.  I only wish my genius worked retroactively and we had locked you up on first sight, but then we’d have no movie.

(Chekov and some drones arrive to join each side of the fray, and he and Kirk escape by turning on the thrusters to make the saucer flip itself over)

The Destroyed Enterprise: (Still burning) "Only you can prevent forest fires!(Thump)

Chekov: Are those guys in there dead, then?

Kirk: Presumably.  If they don’t appear unexpectedly 40 minutes from now, we’re good.

(Uhura and Sulu sneak away during the old “guard shift change” and they try to send a message.  They instead discover that the MacGuffin is a weapon and that Krall was eavesdropping on them to get it, and he arrives to haul them back to their cells)

Krall: First, I will shock you by speaking your language without the Universal Translator.  For my next trick, I will reveal that I am a space vampire.  (Electrocutes two prisoners to drain their life force and make himself beautiful) By the way, I hate how Starfleet is all Manifest Destiny on the Universe.  Final Frontier, my eye.

Uhura:  Why do you have it all backwards?  Starfleet just explores space and welcomes anyone who wants to join!

Krall: Explores, invades, depends on what decade you’re writing in.  I’m also extremely bitter that they never promoted me to Vice Admiral!

Uhura: What?

Krall: What?

(The next day, Kirk and Chekov are still wandering around)

Chekov: Sir, what if we’re stuck here forever?

Kirk: That would be extremely boring.  No offense, kid, but I still wish you were Scotty.  (They are surrounded by sudden smoke) Oh no, I failed us all again!

(On board the derelict ship)

Jaylah: Are you done working the miracle yet or what?

Scotty: I can only reverse decades of rust with extreme patience.

(Alarms sound)

Jaylah: Intruder Alert!

(They run outside and find Kirk and Chekov trapped in a wall of solid caramel)

Scotty: Blessed be!  I thought I was the lone survivor of this fiasco.

Kirk:  (Through lockjaw) How dare you!

(Jaylah breaks the wall and the two fall down)

Scotty: I set up a quid pro quo with this helpful strandee in your absence, sir.

Kirk: (To Jaylah) If this were a few years ago I would have said, “Well hello, my name is Captain James-T.-Kirk-of-The-Destroyed-Starship-Enterprise, but you can call me whatever you want”; however, those types of urges have been absent from my life as of late.

Scotty: Thank you, sir.  If this were a few years ago I would have said, “With all due respect, sir, I met her first!”

Jaylah: There will be none of those shenanigans here: I want off this planet, you want off this planet, so let us get going off this planet!

Kirk: Finally, someone with an actual goal!  Unlike this kid here.

Chekov: I’m not that much younger than you!

Kirk: (Places a finger on Chekov’s lips) Hush, child.

(They are taken to the derelict ship)

Scotty: I’ll give you the grand tour.  This is the USS Franklin, all the way out in the middle of nowhere, oddly enough.  On your right you can see the Event Horizon video –

Kirk: Blah, blah, blah, how is it that Krall never found this?

Jaylah: I made it invisible.  (Demonstrates her tech)

Kirk: So… wouldn’t he have noticed it suddenly disappeared one day?  And the invisibility doesn’t seem consistent at all – wouldn’t his ships detect it popping in and out of view at least once – ?

Jaylah: You speak nonsense.  (Sits in the captain’s chair to watch old TV shows)

(Spock and Bones continue wandering aimlessly)

Bones: How about this: I’m a medical doctor, dammit, not a doctor of osteopathy!

Spock: Meh.

(Enemy ships literally swarm around them)

Bones: This is the end!

(Spock is beamed out)

Spock: (In mid-beam) For you!

Bones: Inconceivable!  (Is beamed out)  My atoms!  My precious atoms!

Scotty: You’re welcome.

Bones: Oh, a ship, are we flying out of here once and for all?

Kirk: Not yet: it’s mad old, so it should take Scotty a few more minutes to fix it.

Spock: (Bleeding on the floor) In the meantime, fix me!  Dammit.

Kirk: Oh no, Spock, you’re starting to sound like Bones, you really must be dying!

(Bones operates on Spock with box cutters, duct tape, and alcohol; the latter recovers with no ill effects)

Spock: Tied up that plotline nicely.

(Back at the prison quarry)

Krall: Now I know someone must be hiding what I want, so I’m going to torture each of you until at least one of you weakens and blurts it out.

Uhura: You’ll never defeat us!  We have strength in unity!

Krall: You would if you all just attacked me at once.  (Starts electrocuting Sulu)

Ensign: Stop!  (Pulls the nuke out of the back of her head) I yield my only usefulness in this plot.

Uhura: You fool.  You let down the Captain’s trust and you gave the villain what he wanted.  That’s two strikes against your character; no wonder your species is never seen again in any other Star Trek iteration.

(Uhura and Ensign are taken on a tour of the facility)

Krall: …and here is our Murder Room, which, now that you have supplied us with part two of our two-part weapon, is aptly named.  (He locks Ensign in there and attaches the nuke to the door so smoke appears and dissolves her)

Uhura: Ew.  She partially deserved it for being weak, but you’re sick, man!

Krall: Now you’ll know exactly what’ll happen to the rest of you once I head on out of here!  Please pardon me while I complete my evil transformation.

(On the Franklin, the crew members hover around a map)

Scotty: The crew’s vital signs are blocked by something on this planet.  This whole situation is defeating our modern technology as if to keep us trapped here that much longer.

Kirk: Oh, we’ll never find my crew, never!

Spock: Actually, Uhura has a homing beacon in the necklace that I had given her, so we can find everybody that way.

Kirk: I love it when a plot element comes full circle!  Now we need a daring escape plan that involves that random also-miraculously-working motorcycle that I found earlier.

Scotty: Sir, I don’t think that needs to be –

Kirk: IT MUST, I SAY!  It’s in my contract.

Jaylah: If you are going into that prison camp then I am out!  (Leaves)

Scotty: Let me handle this – we have a bond.

Kirk: That’s what you think.

(In another room)

Scotty: No backing out of our deal, missy!  All you have to do is cowboy up.

Jaylah: Nuts to you: I survived years in that prison, lost my family, escaped, and lived even more years out here all alone!  What have you done?

Scotty: Point taken.  Still, help us or I take the ship and leave you here.  If you do help, I’ll let you be my assistant.

Jaylah: Only if I get to beat up my nemesis: Krall or my father’s killer Manas, either one will do.

Scotty: I’m sure that can be arranged.

(At the prison)

Sulu: We really need to be rescued, and soon.

Uhura: Yeah, we’re running out of things to do around here.

(Kirk and Jaylah arrive on the motorcycle)

Kirk: Yippee!  (He appears in multiple places and spreads caramel wherever he goes, while Jaylah takes up a sniper position to deal with enemy guards.  Transporters are set up so prisoners are beamed out in groups, as the usual inconveniences crop up and Jaylah gets to beat up her father’s killer Manas as she desired)

Jaylah: [Vengeance!]

Manas: [Who are you?]

(She defeats him as she jumps off the building to join Kirk as they both are beamed back to the Franklin)

Jaylah: Victory!

Kirk: (Recovering on the transporter pad floor) I feel old.

(Krall gathers his ships and they take off for the final conflict)

Krall: “Once more unto the breach, dear –” oh, forget it.

(As the crew on the Franklin prepares to take off after Krall, Uhura’s super ears hears the Event Horizon video on a continuous loop)

Uhura: That human Captain Edison is Krall!

Kirk: No-probable-way.

(The watch century-old captain’s logs)

Captain’s Log: They stuck me with this old ship after I gave them years of loyal service, and I am literally going mad!

Kirk: Not cool, Starfleet.  Wait a sec – could the same thing happen to me?!

Captain’s Log: This planet makes us live forever, so we’ll just let it change our appearances as we change our names, our personalities, and our language and I bide my time waiting for the perfect weapon with which to wipe out the Federation.  That’ll show `em to send me to astronaut exile instead of just retiring me.

Kirk: Hold on: if the Franklin used to be Krall’s ship, how could he really not have noticed when it disappeared?!

Scotty: (On intercom) We’re ready to roll!

Kirk: Right, bye.

(They strap themselves in and prepare to take off by free falling from a cliff)

Sulu: It’s the only way!

Kirk: I swear you make half this stuff up just to look cool.

(They free fall and crash at the bottom of the cliff)


(The ship pulls out of the fall at the last moment and warps away from the planet)

Crew: Hooray!

Jaylah: (Watching the planet fade from view) [Good riddance, although I do wish I could be taken  back to my homeworld.]

The Destroyed Enterprise: (Watching the Franklin depart) Abandoned in my hour of need.  Just give me a century to gain sentience and plot my revenge, then they’ll be sorry.

(The Franklin follows Krall back to Yorktown, which is being attacked by the gnats)

Krall: Fly, my pretties!  Make them pay for their unknown crimes!

(On the Franklin)

Scotty: I don’t think we can go through this again, sir: we’d be shredded like paper even faster than the last time.

Kirk: Indeed.  Let’s blast them to death with harsh music instead!

(Spock and Bones are sent to hijack another enemy ship since they did it so well the first time, and they follow Krall’s ship and the Franklin into Yorktown as the gnats are blown to oblivion)

Kirk: One annoyance down, one to go.

(The Franklin rises up out of the artificial river right in front of Krall’s ship, causing it to crash)

Uhura: Did we just win that easily?

Kirk: Of course not!

Uhura: OK, then he’s going to find a way to activate the nuke in the air system, dissolving us all.

Kirk: Just pick him out from the panicked crowd and throw him in a cell!  He can’t be that hard to find, judging from the few times I actually saw him in person.

Uhura: Well… the studio didn’t want him to be buried under all those prosthetics anymore, so now he looks like all the other humans down there.

Kirk: Darn celebrity guest stars.  (Leaves the ship and makes his way to the gravity-bending air system to confront almost-human-looking Krall) Former Captain!  You’re already going to be court-martialed for… everything, so don’t add genocide to your list of charges!

Krall: Why not?

Kirk: Because they’re innocent people here!

Krall: They’re space polluters!  We all should have just stayed home on Earth and gone extinct there!

Kirk: Yes, yes, we all should have done a lot of things: you should have remained sane, I should have saved myself for marriage, but sometimes you just can’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again, no matter the number of king’s horses and king’s men that you have.

Krall: Exactly!  So death to you all!

Kirk: Time for Peter Pan maneuvers!  (They fly through the air at each other, with Krall trying to send the nuke’s smoke through the vents and Kirk trying to eject the nuke into space.  Krall hesitates on seeing a reflection of his partially transformed face)

Krall: Should I stop because I am still human?  Or should I keep going because I feel that humans are evil?  The moral ambiguity is mind-boggling.  (He decides to keep going and he and Kirk fly around some more until the inevitable happens: Krall and the nuke with the smoke are ejected into space)

Kirk: I have triumphed once again.  Although, note to self: have Spock check on whether the nuke’s smoke can survive in a vacuum.  (Returns to his crew and immediately forgets)

(Meanwhile, Krall is dissolved by the smoke as it flies through space)

Smoke: “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds….” (Becomes an SEP (Someone Else’s Problem))

(Back on Yorktown, everyone celebrates the near-miss)

Bones: (Walking with Kirk to a bar) I know this was a horrible birthday, so I invited everyone to a party to make up for it.  (Doors open to reveal everyone)

Kirk: (To Bones) It wasn’t horrible until now.  (To everyone) My friends!  We survived yet another disaster!

Crew: Huzzah!

Kirk: Here’s to the ones we lost on the way.

(Toast to Leonard Nimoy and Anton Yelchin)

Kirk: OK, you can all scatter now.

Scotty: (To Jaylah) So, I got you into Starfleet.

Jaylah: That is exactly what I did not ask for.  But I will take it since I have nothing else to do.

Uhura:  (To Spock) I decided that I’ll accept you back now.

Spock: Must you?

Chekov: Doesn’t anyone want to hear my weak pick-up lines?

Kirk: (Chuckles) Such a child.

Commodore: (Approaches Kirk) Captain: you lost your ship and a significant number of your crew, plus you nearly didn’t prevent Yorktown and the entire Federation from being wiped out.  Still, the Vice Admiral position is yours if you want it.

Kirk: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Commodore: ?

Kirk: Actually, I decided to remain Captain after all.  They need me out there.

Commodore: Oh dear.  (Leaves)

Spock: I decided to stay as well.

Kirk: Good, I didn’t need you breaking up with me, too.

Spock: And I never will.

(The crew gaze out the window at the Enterprise A being constructed in sped-up time)

Enterprise A: Just don’t treat me like you did the last one, m’kay?

Kirk: (Sighs) Guess this means that we have to do at least one more of these flicks.

Studio: At least.