Sunday, January 7, 2018

Meany Clod: The Worst Barber in the World (A Parody of "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)")

(Opening sequence consists of digital rain on digital London mixed with digital blood)

Digital Londoners: Ew!

Absent Ballad Ghosts: Admit it, film audience - you’ll miss us commenting on the action.

Film Audience: Not especially, no.

(A ship ominously pulls into port with its cargo of doom)

Anthony: <I’m too pretty to die>

Sweeney: <Wretch.  Rock on!> (Strums an electric guitar)

Anthony: I’m curious as to what kind of name Sweeney is?  Was it given because your parents hated you?

Sweeney: <I was young, normal, and stupid once, much as you are now.  Then a pervy judge wanted my wife Lucy and shipped me off to the other side of the world that the native population calls home so he could take her> (To London) <But now I’m back, baby!>  Thanks for saving me for my newfound life of crime and hair streaks.

Anthony: You’re welcome.  It means I own you now, so I’ll be calling you on that shortly.

Sweeney: Gotta find me first!

(Runs at supersonic speed through the streets until he arrives at Mrs. Lovett’s food emporium.  A sign outside reads ‘Bad Pies – Don’t Eat `Em’)

Mrs. Lovett: <Ooh, a boy!  Here – eat something disgusting that’ll probably kill ya!  It’s the best one in the shop!  Above all, do not go to Mrs. Mooney’s cat-pie shop – that kind of practice is just wrong>

Sweeney: (Bites into a pie) My heavens, woman!  How can you still be in business?!

Mrs. Lovett: <People pay me to stop singing!>

Sweeney: Well, it’s not that bad.  This pie should be shot, though.

Mrs. Lovett: Please buy something.  I may be reduced to selling myself soon, and that never ends well.

Sweeney: Why don’t you rent… the upstairs room? (Thunder booms)

Mrs. Sweeney: <Why?  Because Benjamin Barker who was there last got thrown into the clink and his wife was ‘taken’ by a pervy judge and then poisoned herself, with the perv then stealing her kid as his own.  Not an ideal bachelor pad>

Sweeney: Alack!  Say it is not so!  My heart breaks!

Mrs. Lovett: I knew it!  You’re Benjamin Barker!  Remember me, ol’ Mrs. Lovett, formerly of Mr. and Mrs.?

Sweeney: No….

Mrs. Lovett: `Course you do, you used to bang on the floor every night telling us to keep it down, and I’d keep snatching your barber pole for laughs.

Sweeney: Oh yes, those were good times.  But they are long gone!  I must be avenged!  (Crescendo, then silence) And restore my wife’s honor and possibly rescue my daughter.

Mrs. Lovett: Lovely.  Here are your razors – not to give you any ideas, mind.

Sweeney: <Hello, babies.  Did you miss your daddy?  I missed you, coochie, coochie, coo>

Mrs. Lovett: <With both our spouses out of the way and us both being ‘lonely,’ let’s go ahead and get hitched, shall we?>

Sweeney: (Ignoring her and holding up a razor symbolically) Finally, I am a real man!

Mrs. Lovett: Not even listening to me; what a one-track mind.

(In Johanna’s room)

Johanna: <I wish I was a bird!  I like feathers>

Judge: (Being pervy)

Anthony: (On street outside the house) A beautiful, familiar-looking daughter!  I must have her!

Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman: <Gimme money!>

Anthony: Here you go, wretched soul.  Who is that wondrous creature?

Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman: My daughter, but all you have to know is THE JUDGE HAS HER!  Cackle cackle spit!  Gimme more money.

Anthony: Sorry, wretched soul.  Back to the gutter with you. (Escorts her there)

Judge: Boy!  C’mere.

(Anthony goes into the Judge’s house)

Judge: Want some porn?

Anthony: Sure – I mean, no thanks.

Judge: Then stop peeping on my ward, you perv!

Anthony: From what I’ve heard, you shouldn’t be the one calling names.

(Beadle tosses him out)

Anthony: And rude.  <Don’t worry, my love, I’ll take you away from these creeps.  Whether you want me or not>

(At street market)

Toby: <Step right up to grow some hair!>

Sweeney: <This ‘elixir’ is highly unhygienic>

Mrs. Lovett: <Plus it stinks>

Pirelli: <I’m-a Italian-a!  High five!>

Sweeney: Booo!

Pirelli: A duel, then.

Sweeney: Ah look, the always-useful Beadle!  He should be judge for this one occasion only.

Beadle: But it’s my day off.

(The men prepare to shave two unwilling volunteers)

Pirelli: (Takes his time) <This is a very dangerous profession.  One slip and I could seriously nick myself>

Sweeney: (Eats lunch, changes his suit, and writes a letter before taking three swipes to shave his volunteer) Done!

(He pushes his volunteer, whose cheeks are bleeding, off the stage)

Beadle: I personally don’t groom myself, but maybe I’ll have you do it for me soon.

Sweeney: Sweet!  And so it begins.

Beadle: What?

Sweeney: What?

(At Mrs. Lovett’s)

Mrs. Lovett: You can have my DEAD husband’s comfy chair for your re-established barber shop.  It’s yet another sign of my eligibility.

Sweeney: (Looking out the window for the Beadle) Where is that accessory before, during, and after the fact?  My razor hand’s getting itchy. 

Mrs. Lovett: <Patience>

Sweeney: (Waits) And….

Mrs. Lovett: And that’s it.  I need some solos here too, you know.

(Pirelli and Toby enter through Sweeney’s apartment)

Sweeney: Oh balderdash, what’s all this?

Pirelli: Bon jour!

Mrs. Lovett: The little boy should come with me.  Our place is in the kitchen.  (She brings Toby to her shop on the ground floor)

Pirelli: (Now speaking with an English accent) You were my old boss and never gave me my tips!

Sweeney: I was?  It’s possible – I’ve been terrible at recognizing people lately, and I’m sure it’ll come back to get me in the end.

Pirelli: Fine – forget the past, I want most of your money in the present.  And your specialty cologne.

Sweeney: You do realize that the first rule of blackmail is never try it on a desperate man.

Pirelli: Noted.  Now about the blackmail –

(Sweeney beans him with a teacup, followed by several spoons)

Toby: (Hearing the noise) They started gallivanting without me! (Runs upstairs)

Mrs. Lovett: Wait – ah, forget it.  I’m sure Mr. T. just dropped something and all is well.

(Toby runs into Sweeney’s room)

Sweeney: Pirelli’s gone – forever.

Toby: I’ll just wait for him here, then.

(Pirelli’s hand, sticking out of a trunk, gives Sweeney the finger)

Sweeney: Toby, go tell Mrs. Lovett that, seeing as you have been aged considerably by a life of deprivation, I authorize her to get you crocked.

Toby: Yippee! (Runs back downstairs to Mrs. Lovett)

(Sweeney opens the trunk.  Pirelli starts to get out)

Pirelli: Oy gevalt.

Sweeney: Let me help.  (Pulls him up while absentmindedly holding a razor and accidentally slices his throat) Whoops!  Didn’t mean that, honestly!  (Tries using his fingers to plug up spurting holes, but Pirelli dies) My, but that was gross.

(Mrs. Lovett enters)

Mrs. Lovett: Did I miss anything?  (Sees body) What the literally bloody hell?  Are you insane?

Sweeney: (Biting a fingernail) It was self-defense?

Mrs. Lovett: Hmm.  (Looks in trunk again) Ugh, it’s stained – who’s gonna clean all that up?!

(The Judge arrives shortly after they tidy up)

Judge: Shave me!

Sweeney: Shave yourself, you miserable – come right in, sir.  (He prepares the Judge.  To himself) <Now I’m going to do it without saying why.  It’ll be all the more satisfying>

Judge: I’m marrying my ward.

Sweeney: In that case, I must sing to express the depths of how much I loathe thee.  You’ll get a shave while I do it.  <Girls are hot>

Judge: <Praise the Lord>

Sweeney: <They cause the world’s problems>

Judge: <I blame them entirely for all of my shortcomings>

Sweeney: <Now I smite you>

Judge: <What?>

(Anthony bursts in)

Anthony: Excuse me, Judge – Mr. Todd, I require your aid in stealing the Judge’s ward.

Judge: Insolent pup, stop stalking my prisoner.  Mr. Todd, seeing as you are friends with this troublemaker, I will no longer frequent your establishment.  And I’m only tipping you 0.1%.  (Tosses a coin at Sweeney’s chest and leaves)

Anthony: So anyway, I need you to –

Sweeney: You’re a frickin’ moron.

(Anthony leaves; Mrs. Lovett enters)

Mrs. Lovett: Did I miss anything?

Sweeney: <This is all your fault!>

Mrs. Lovett: Typical.

Sweeney: <That’s it!  I will not rest until I accidentally kill the world with impeccable shaves at reasonable prices!>

Mrs. Lovett: Not to change the subject, but your stiff is starting to reek.

Sweeney: Ah, we’ll just throw him in the Thames with the rest of the rabble.

Mrs. Lovett: We could.  (Looks at rival, cat-ridden pie shop) <Or we could eat him!>

Sweeney: Did you actually just say that out loud?

Mrs. Lovett: <Weren’t you paying attention earlier?  I make terrible pies!  So what could taste better than human flesh, I’d like to know?>

Sweeney: <But, but, but earlier you disapproved of Mrs. Mooney putting cats in her pies!>

Mrs. Lovett: <So?>

Sweeney: <So this is twice – thrice – unimaginably worse!  What kind of sick freak are you?>

Mrs. Lovett: <One who loves irony>

Sweeney: <Ah, sweet irony; I never could resist you.  All right, I’m sold!>

Mrs. Lovett: <So’s Pirelli!>

Both: <Mwahahaha!  Mwahahaha!> (They cackle until the end of Act I)

(Sweeney constructs his chair of death, the better to slide people to Mrs. Lovett’s oven of death)

Sweeney: At least she gets to do the hard work of the actual dismemberment.  Would anyone believe me if I said that all this throat slicing is accidental and I really am just the worst barber in London?  Incidentally, that’s the charge the Judge got me arrested for – bet you didn’t know that.

(Mrs. Lovett has a big party for local cannibals)

Londoners: <Mmm-good!>

Mrs. Lovett: <Toby!  Get rid of that meddlesome victim!>

Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman: <This is disgusting!  Plus, you’re shacked up with my man!>

Mrs. Lovett: <Not as shacked up as I’d like.  Now off with you!>

(Anthony and Sweeney sing while Sweeney ‘shaves’ customers)

Anthony: <I love a girl I don’t know – something I’ve always wished would happen to me>

Sweeney: <I miss-> (slices) <whoops – my daughter-> (slices) <ah, sorry – my Johannnnaaaa> (slices) <Dammit!>  Got another one for you, Mrs. Lovett!

Mrs. Lovett: (Speaking up through the chute after yet another body falls past her) You know, dear, while this has been a great boon for business, could you cut it down a bit and actually shave one or two people?  That bobby’s been standing across the street for a whole week now.

Sweeney: I get nervous and start sweating when I perform.

Mrs. Lovett: Maybe if you stopped singing all the time!

Sweeney: Will do.

(They enjoy a quiet moment in a park)

Sweeney: It feels strange not being all washed out.

Mrs. Lovett: <All right, this is my big chance.  I love you!>

Sweeney: Cheers.

Mrs. Lovett: <Marry me!>

Sweeney: Interesting.

Mrs. Lovett: <I’m actually an extraterrestrial>

Sweeney: All right.

Mrs. Lovett: Frustrating anti-hero, why don’t you love me?

Sweeney: Here’s a better question: Why on earth would you love me?  I’m a homicidal psychopath who also has monomania and still loves his dead wife.  I am a sick, sick barber.

Mrs. Lovett: But that’s what makes you so romantic!

Sweeney: (Pats her head) Sweet enabler.

Mrs. Lovett: Score!

(Another day)

Sweeney: No customers for me to involuntarily manslaughter today?

(Anthony enters)

Anthony: Johanna is in a madhouse!

Sweeney: That’s funny, I’m the one who should be there.  You can get her out by going there and asking for hair – no one will suspect a thing. 

Anthony: Can the audience come and watch?

Sweeney: Anthony, we’ve talked about this.  You've already used up your five lines of dialogue outside of my presence: now it’s singing or nothing.

Anthony: But –

Sweeney: Not another word!  (Anthony leaves) Toby, send this letter to the Judge – oh, bile – saying that I have Johanna.  Time to bring these shenanigans to a close.

(Later, Toby goes to Mrs. Lovett)

Toby: <You’re in danger!  I’ll save you in spite of my diminutive stature!>

Mrs. Lovett: <Nonsense child; I am danger>

Toby: You have Pirelli’s purse!  That seals it – Todd is a murderin’ loon!

Mrs. Lovett: Drat, cover’s blown.  Toby, come with me to the oven.  (Demonstrates preparation of ritual sacrifice) See?  Nothing suspicious whatsoever.  Now wait here so I can lock you in.

(Beadle arrives)

Sweeney: Wanna shave?

Beadle: Is that all you do?

Sweeney: Pretty much.

(In oven room, Toby eats a pie and finds a leg inside)

Toby: Methinks something is afoot – pun intended. (A shout of ‘Dammit!’ is heard and the Beadle’s body falls out of the chute) That’s weird.  Why’d he fall down the chute just now?

(Sweeney and Mrs. Lovett wander through the sewer looking for the now-missing Toby)

Mrs. Lovett: <Come out, tot, we’re not gonna hurt you>

Sweeney: <But we are>

Mrs. Lovett: <Shut it!>

(Anthony and a disguised Johanna enter Sweeney’s room)

Anthony: Good, he’s gone and I can speak again.  (To Johanna) Now you have to love me forever!

Johanna: I really just want my own life.  Maybe being dressed as a boy will give me that.

Anthony: I need half an hour to get us out of here.

Johanna: Sure.  What could happen in that short span of time?  (Anthony leaves.  Hearing a noise, she hides in the trunk) It smells like death in here.

(Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman breaks into the room)

Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman: <My old home.  I think I’ll reassert my authority>

(Sweeney pops up at the door like a vampire)

Sweeney: Random woman, why are you here?

Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman: <I live here.  Make me dinner!>

(Judge approaches from the stairs)

Sweeney: I don’t have time for this.  Please be quiet – (Moves to shush her and accidentally slices her) Dash it, I did it again.  Oh well.  (Dumps her below)

(Judge enters)

Judge: Where’s my blushing bride?

Sweeney: Here.  Hee-hee-hee!

Judge: You’re strange.  Have you ever considered professional help?

Sweeney: No.  Wanna shave?

Judge: Not from you.

Sweeney: Sure you do!  (Body slams the Judge onto the chair) By the way, I’m the guy whose wife you stole.

Judge: Which one?

Sweeney: Yeesh.  You know – Barber Barker.  Heh, that sounds even stranger than ‘Sweeney.’

Judge: Oh, that one!  Johanna’s dad!  How’ve you been?

Sweeney: A little piqued, but I’m feeling better, thanks.  Which reminds me.  (Throws a glass of water into the Judge’s face) You’ve had that coming for a long time, sir.  Now aren’t you ashamed.

Judge: (Sobbing) I am!  So ashamed!

Sweeney: Just as long as you’ve learned your lesson.  So, let’s forget all this ever happened and continue with your shave, shall we?  (Accidentally slices him) Blast blast blast!  (Judge convulses) And we could’ve been friends.  Alas.  (Dumps him down the chute.  Sweeney stands in his room, looking at his razor, listening to the dramatic and thunderous music signifying his revenge is complete) Now what?

(Johanna foolishly stirs.  He pulls her out of the trunk)

Johanna: I am but a blind deaf mute, sir!

Sweeney: All right, then.  Off you go, familiar-looking boy.

(Mrs. Lovett screams.  Sweeney goes down to the oven where the Judge is dying and clutching her dress)

Mrs. Lovett: Not my new gingham!

(The Judge dies)

Sweeney: It’s all good.  Not exactly as I planned it, but it could’ve gone worse, I think. 

Mrs. Lovett: I don’t care. (She drags the Judge to the open oven)

Sweeney: Half a tick.  (He recognizes Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman)  Familiar-Looking Beggar Woman was Lucy?  Unbelievable – what are the odds?

Mrs. Lovett: And serves you right!

Sweeney: You said she died.

Mrs. Lovett: No I didn’t.

Sweeney: Yes you did.

Mrs. Lovett: No I didn’t.

Sweeney: Yes you –

Mrs. Lovett: <Didn’t didn’t didn’t!  Weren’t you paying attention to the lyrics?  I said she poisoned herself.  Any idiot could’ve figured out the rest.>

Sweeney: <Oh>  (Thinks back to Act I) <Oh right, you did say that.  Wish you’d expounded a little; it might’ve saved us all a lot of trouble.  And you wanted me to commit bigamy!>

Mrs. Lovett: <Yeah, about that.  Sorry?>

Sweeney: <‘Sorry?'  Not only is that against the law, Mrs. Lovett, it is morally wrong.  Still, no harm done, I suppose>

Mrs. Lovett: <Exactly!  Now, I’ve already made up the invitations – do you want to go ahead and contact the chapel or should I?>

Sweeney: Just a moment now – (He puts out his hands to stop her talking and accidentally pushes her into the oven.  As she screams, he abashedly closes the door) Sorry!  Don’t suppose she can hear me.  (Goes to Lucy and holds her) <Guess I made a bit of a mess tonight.  Maybe that bobby across the street’ll help me clean it up>  (Toby quietly sneaks up behind him with a razor) <I think I may go to jail again – unless I do a runner.  Maybe if I had just ratted out the Judge for corruption and moved on with my life, I would have normalized>  (Thinks) <Nah>  (Toby slices him)

Toby: Whoops. (Leaves)

Sweeney: Irony – abundant – dangit –

Lucy: Would you kindly direct that away from my face?  It’s like a bleedin’ waterfall!

Sweeney: Right-ho.  Happy Christmas, luv!


Sunday, July 2, 2017

Average and the Beast: Live Action Nostalgia and Inappropriate Singing (A Parody of Disney’s "Beauty and the Beast (2017)")

[Note: The lyrics below deliberately do not match up with the original music]

Tagline: All the familiar characters, all the familiar songs, all the familiar lines – yet different.  You can’t go home again, but you can try really, really hard.

(At the Prince’s castle, anyone who is anyone rich has arrived for the ball)

Narrator/As-Yet-Unrevealed-Enchantress: At some point in French history, there was a spoiled rotten Prince of who-knows-where who exploited the working class to support his bourgeoisie lifestyle and wear too much make-up.  Little did he know that a Revolution was at hand, and the downtrodden masses were poised to rise up and claim his riches for their own – wait, this is a fairy tale?  Scratch most of that: Once Upon a Time, there was a spoiled rotten Prince who liked to throw big parties because his heart was empty.

Prince: Servants!  I need more make-up!

Lumière: Why can no one see our faces? 

Plumette: And why are Lumière and I the only ones here with French accents?

Cogsworth: To show the audience that we already are pieces of furniture to our Master, and because the cartoon thought it was a good idea.

Madame Garderobe:  You get to see my husband and I be molti italiani, though, sì, sì!  Ariaaaa!!!

Maestro Cadenza: But then why is she “Madame” and not “Signora”?

(At the ball, the Prince dances with the lovely ladies)

Prince: Excellent selection tonight.  All right, everyone: the orgy will begin promptly at 9:00.

(Enchantress, disguised as garbage, makes a grand entrance that grinds the party to a halt)

Enchantress: I’ve come to put an end to your sinful ways!

Prince: No thanks – you can just drop your pamphlets off at the servants’ entrance on your way out.

Enchantress: Spare a room for a rose?

Prince: You really have no idea how commerce works, do you.  Plus I suspect that that rose is from my own front gate, so off you go.

Enchantress: If I were pretty, you’d let me stay for free.

Prince: You’ve got that right.  Actually, no; I really do want the money.

Enchantress: You beast!  (She changes into a younger and prettier woman)

Prince: Oh… snap.  I could’ve really scored tonight.

Enchantress: Since you’re shallow and promiscuous, I will place a series of random curses on you and your do-nothing staff.

Mrs. Potts: Oi!  We do all the work around here – leave us out of it!

Enchantress: I’m also going to wipe the memory of you all from that nearby village you’ve been exploiting, so they wander about confused and don’t come poking around here anytime soon.

Lumière: Ah, that does make sense.  Seeing as they’re less than a day’s ride away, and hate us all.

Enchantress: Now, be a beast on the outside as you already are on the inside!  (She transforms Prince into Beast by making him an extremely hairy man)

Beast: My beauty!  Alas!  (Hides under his bed because he scares himself)

(The guests all scream and run out of the castle, rushing by a gate-crashing Gaston)

Gaston: Where are you all going; this party was just getting good!  (To Enchantress) Booooo!  (Is swept up with the rest and joins the ranks of the amnesiacs)

Narrator-Enchantress: So I – she, I mean – fixed that Prince’s wagon.  The curse instructions included a section on the rose petals all falling off and dooming him and his servants forever unless he actually loves someone and makes that someone actually love him, but planting and watering the flower regularly would do just as well.  I doubt he read that part.

(Movie Title With Embedded Spoiler Alert)

(An unspecified number of years later, the village of amnesiacs wakes up to greet the day in song, as is their way.  An average-looking girl is the focus of attention – she is pretty, but since she has all her teeth and is free of pox-scars, she is considered the pinnacle of beauty)

Average: <Stupid town, how I loathe its members/ The insularity, the monotony/ Boring town, why am I stuck here/ when I obviously am so much more than they….>

(Montage of how Average hates the villagers and the villagers hate Average)

Villagers: <She is beautiful but rather quirky/ By quirky we mean crazy/ She really is a loony toon, that Average>

(Average goes to the one-pew chapel)

Père Robert:  Ah, Average!  Come for confession?

Average: No thank you, I’m sinless.  I’m actually returning the book I borrowed from your massive library.  (Adds it back to the pile of three and takes a different title)

Père Robert: You’re lucky I’m such an enlightened priest; pretty much all of my brethren would have burned you as a witch by now.

(Average reads the book in the street, crashing into passers-by who give her dirty looks)

Average: <Look, foreshadowing/ She’s a dolt not to see he is a prince> I would never be so unobservant.

(Gaston and LeFou ride into the village)

Gaston: <I am so awesome that I don’t need brains/ Or kindness, manners, or a soul/ and I want to marry that belle/ Though I do not know her well/ since catching the Hard-to-Get is my life-long goal>

Average: <I wish I’d been born in 1983!>

Gaston: <Who knew there’d be a sexual predator in Disney?>

Villagers: <Why must she be a girl who reads/ A nothing girl who actually reads/ A peasant who can even read/ That freak!>

(Gaston attempts to woo Average with a stolen rosebush)

Gaston: So, Average, seeing as you’re the only attractive maiden in this tiny town that I find myself trapped in, here’s my offer: I’m hot, you’re hot, let’s do this.

Average: The practical side of me should say “Yes,” but my progressive father has empowered me to say “No.”

Gaston: I don’t understand that last word you just used.

(She leaves him puzzling this as he wanders into the village fountain)

LeFou: Soon enough, he will be mine.  But do I even really want him?  He has a few too many amoral tendencies for my taste.

(Average returns home to see her father Maurice working on a music box that details his past tragedy)

Maurice: <Why can I never move on from this?/ Wasn’t it 20+ years ago?>

(Average hands him the tools he needs to finish, raising the question of how they make enough to live on)

Average: Poor helpless Papa, playing with your toys while I do all the real work.  (Sees all the evidence of his tragic past strewn about the place) I ask this every day, but are you ever going to tell me what happened to Maman?

Maurice: And every day I say that I don’t want to talk about it!  Just leave me to be silently consumed by my guilt as I go off to market with a poorly designed shipping method for this thing.  (They pack up his cart)  What would you like me to bring back from there?

Average: Money?  (They laugh hysterically) Kidding; the usual rose, preferably alive on arrival this time.

Maurice: No promises.  Now while I’m gone, make sure you bar all the windows and keep the machete handy.  (Rides off with Philippe the family horse and leaves her progressively home alone)

(Having some spare time since she does not need to baby-sit her father at the moment, Average invents a washing machine and teaches a young girl to read in front of the entire village)

Schoolmaster: Burn the witch!

Villager: Or just break her stuff.

(The mob settles for breaking her stuff; Gaston is alerted to her harassment and see his chance to harass her in front of her house)

Gaston: Marry me and all this abuse will go away!  At least, all this will be behind your back instead of in your face.

Average: You make a tempting offer, but I’m being sarcastic.

Gaston: Gorgeous creature, I never can understand a word you say.  Anyway, if you still have to think about my offer: do you really rather want to become like that spinsterly Enchantress over there, what’s-her-name?  (He points to “Agathe” “begging” in the street)

Average: That actually seems the preferable scenario.  Besides, you’d get tired of me nagging you to clean up after yourself and stop slaughtering all the local wildlife.

Gaston: You may not have noticed, but I am extremely good at ignoring things I don’t want to hear.  (She had closed the door in his face before he started speaking) I’ll think about your proposal, my love.  (Skips away)

(Average leaves the house to express herself in the only way she knows how)

Average: <Why can’t I have/ More than two options/ Marry, or beg/ Dependence isn’t fair!> (Runs to a convenient hill to declare herself to the world) <I wish women’s lib happened sooner rather than later/ An awesome father only goes so far/ And I wouldn’t mind meeting a man/ Who would like me for who I am/ and is just waiting for me to save him and his clan….>

(Transition to the ominous forest, where Maurice is guided by the hand of fate to snowy summer woods filled with Plot-Convenient Wolves who helpfully guide him to the Enchanted Castle)

Maurice: My music box, expectedly ruined!  My cart, expectedly destroyed!  My horse, unexpectedly saving me above and beyond the call of duty!

(He rides Philippe straight to the Currently Enchanted Castle, where he immediately takes hay and water for the horse, warmth from the fireplace for himself, food and drink from a set table, and liberties all around.  He pointedly ignores the whispering furniture)

Lumière: Could this be?  Is he the one to break the spell?

Cogsworth: I highly doubt it – he’s absolutely wretched.

Maurice: (Seated at the dining room table) Ah, dinner-for-one, obviously meant for me and not for whoever lives here.  (Begins gorging)

Chip: I may be a talking cup, but don’t let that stop you from drinking the tea.

Maurice: Aiiii!!! Ghosts!  (Flees to Philippe, but cannot resist one more act of larceny when he sees roses improbably growing in the snow outside the castle) Oh yes, I must bring home a stolen gift for Average – it’s not as if there aren’t literally hundreds of these things available anywhere else.

(Beast pops up from behind a trellis)

Beast: All right, sticky fingers, that’s the last straw!

Maurice: Ah!  A talking bear!

Beast: I’m the human Master here, mister!  You think you can just break-and-enter into any old castle you stumble upon?

Maurice: Right, is this about the diamonds that I took from the front hall?  Not for nothing, but that’s what you get for leaving your front door open for just any old vagrant to wander in.  (Beast locks him up as Philippe rides like the wind outta there)

(Meanwhile, Average is puttering around the garden, pondering life and mulling her design for a wind-powered leaf blower, when dirty Philippe rides up and collapses on a bench)

Average: Philippe!  Where’s Papa?

Philippe: Well, first we got lost in the haunted woods, and then these wolves –

Average: (Had packed a bug out bag and mounted the stirrups) Never mind all that – take me there!

Philippe: Heck no, I’m not going back to that haunted house if you paid me.  (Average’s determined riding compels him to go back.  She enters the Currently Enchanted Castle armed with a musket and a sword)

Average: Is it bad if I say that this is exactly the kind of excitement that I’ve been singing about lately?

Lumière: Not at all!

Average: (Spins around in circles) Show yourself, enemy!  (Sees nothing suspicious, but hears a random noise upstairs and grabs Lumière to light her way)

Lumière: <Giggles>

Average: (To herself) It’s not home invasion if it’s a rescue mission….

(She sees Maurice locked up in a cell)

Maurice: Average!  Dash it all, girl, you’re not supposed to be this self-sufficient!  Now run back home before you become Prisoner #2!

Average: Never, Papa!  I will tear down these walls and drag you out of that cell myself if I must!

Beast: (Watching from across the way) What’s all this?  Another prowler?!  Does no one lock the front door anymore?!!

Average: Sir, I’m sorry for all the trouble; please let us make it up to you and we’ll be on our way.

Beast: Your dad’s a trespassing thief and you seem to be following in his footsteps, so no.

Maurice: Yeah Average, got a life sentence for the rose you wanted – just sayin’.

Average: (To Beast) That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?

Beast: With my track record, I consider it appropriate.

Average: All right then, you extremely hairy person: I’ll stay in my father’s stead since I did ask for the rose and didn’t specify from where – Dad simply wouldn’t last a week in here.

Maurice: Hey!  And Average, I’d doubt you’d last a week, either – go back to The World and leave your old Papa in prison for 100 years to life, hm?  There’s a good girl.

Beast: This situation is getting weirder and weirder; I just want to go back to sleep.

Average: If you insist, Papa, I’ll leave you forever, but I appeal to whatever’s left of your captor’s soul so I can hug you good-bye.

Beast: Ugh, fine, just end this drama.  (Opens the cell door)

Average: Yoink!  (Shoves Maurice out and locks herself in)

Beast: Interesting.  It seems numbskullery is hereditary – how tiresome.  (He drags Maurice off to send him back to the village as Average begins scratching the number of days on the cell wall)

Lumière: (Unlocking the cell door) Surprise!  Your sympathetic jailers are also pieces of furniture!

Cogsworth: (Yelling from downstairs) I’m the head piece!

Average: Oh dear – I’m surrounded by demons.  Should I sing about this?

Lumière: No need at the moment.  We’ll set you up in the Mistress Chamber and just let Nature take its course.

Average: “Mistress Chamber”?

Lumière: Maybe it’s best you don’t ask about that.  Or the infamous West Wing that has been condemned by the castle’s architect.  Or why we’ve all been transformed and what it’ll take to change us back.  In short, shut up.

Average: I think I must have fallen off Philippe back there and I’m really still in the woods, dying.

(They arrive in a dirty suite)

Lumière: Surprisingly, this is the best room in the place right now.

Madame Garderobe: <Aidaaaaaaaaaaa!!>  (Sees Average) Ah, Lumière, you finally procured our salvation!

Lumière: Heh-heh, what on Earth are you talking about?

Mrs. Potts and Chip: (Arriving on an out-of-control tea cart) Have some tea?  That’s all we’re allowed to do.

Average: (After introductions) Did all of you just happen to be named for what you would later turn into?  Is there a “Monsieur Organ” somewhere around here?

Cogsworth: Not in this movie.

(The servants leave, Madame Garderobe slips into her inexplicable narcolepsy, and Average begins her construction of a crossbow-powered zipline to the woods)

(Back in the village, the entire population is gathered in the mead hall since that is the only place where anything worthwhile happens)

Gaston: (To LeFou) I’m not used to my handsomeness being brushed aside as if it were trash.  Is this what it feels like to be you?

LeFou: (Grinding his teeth) Let me cheer you up with song!

Gaston: If you must.  Hurry up, though – I’m getting sleepy since it’s half past 8.

(LeFou spikes the alcoholic beverages so that everyone knows the words to the song he just made up)

LeFou and Villagers: <We love you, Gaston!>

Gaston: That’s it?

LeFou and Villagers: <You’re the only eligible bachelor in town, Gaston!>

Gaston: This false adoration is unworthy of you all; get some sense into your heads, people!  (The song freezes) I’m joking – continue!

(Maurice bursts in)

Maurice: My daughter’s been kidnapped, help!

Gaston: (Whispers to LeFou) Who is this guy?  (LeFou shrugs)

Maurice: Technically it’s all my fault, but we need to storm the castle and bust Average out of there!

Gaston: Saving that suggestion for later: what castle, who has her, and how can she thank me afterward?

Maurice: It’s a nearby castle nobody remembers from before, a beast has her, and what?

Villagers: (In creepy unison) There’s no such thing as beasts.

Maurice: Uhhh….

Gaston: Ignore those ignorants: it’s time for me to rescue Average!

(Back at the Currently Enchanted Castle, Lumière has the other servants prepare a romantic dinner for Beast and “Guest”)

Lumière: I call this masterpiece “Courtship by Coercion.”

Cogsworth: Your constant undermining of my authority irks me to no end.

(Meanwhile, Beast sees their plan and calls them out on it)

Beast: The heck is this?!  Earlier you were all willing to let the old guy rot, now you’re rolling out the VIP treatment because she’s a girl?  Sexist.  And I haven’t gotten a chance yet to look up whether I’m still legally allowed to detain people here!

Lumière: Yes Master, but she’s not just any girl, she’s the girl.  To set us all free, yippee!

Beast: What?  She’s the first female to arrive in years and you automatically decide to doom me to an eternity with someone who could be a psychopath, or just really annoying?  I’d rather stay a beast.

Mrs. Potts: Well we’d rather not stay furniture, so if that means pimping you out to a stranger then so be it!

(Beast and the crew go up to Average’s room)

Beast: (Speaking through Average’s door) So, I think we got off on the wrong foot earlier: I said some things, you said some things, we both made mistakes; how about we move past all that and go out on a date?

Average: (Pauses in mid-construction to speak around the makeshift nails she is holding in her mouth) Hell.  No.

Beast: Knew it – completely unreasonable!  No dinner for you, young lady!  (He stomps off to his room to cry, but not before using a magic mirror to peep in on Average tearing the room apart for supplies) Rude.

(A petal falls from the MacGuffin Rose, causing the servants to become more furniture-like and the Currently Enchanted Castle to shake and disintegrate in places)

Average: Great, I have to deal with earthquakes here, too?

(The servants huddle up and form a new plan.  Mrs. Potts wheels into the suite on her cart to play Good Cop, just as Average prepares to fire)

Mrs. Potts: Now, now, dear, let your replacement mother offer you tea to solve all your problems – the manufacture of it certainly causes enough.

Chip: Drink out of my head!

Average: Pass.  So what’s the deal here?  Why are you all devoted to that creep?

Mrs. Potts: Because he actually still pays us.

(The servants finish their preparations)

Lumière: Maestro Cadenza, do your thing so we can hurry up the miracle of love and you can be restored to your wife!

Maestro Cadenza: I will do my utmost to provide mood music without my life partner, although I forget: what is my purpose in this castle beyond playing at parties?

Cogsworth: No questions from a non-canon character!

(In the dining room, Average is treated to Lumière’s stage show)

Lumière: <Eat our food/ Drink our wine/ The idea for this con act is mine/ Feel your soul and free will melt away as you begin to dine>

(In the Impossibly Huge Library, the muted spectacle can be heard)

Beast: (Looks up and mutters) One night, just one night where they don’t sing their fool heads off.  (Returns to reading The Kama Sutra)

Lumière: (Grand Finale) <Forget your strife/ You’re here for life/ Be his wiiiiiiife!>

Average: What was that last part?

Lumière: No dinner for you, young lady!  (The entire 10-course meal is thrown out and Mrs. Potts escorts Average back to her room)

Average: Well.  That was lovely and all, but I’m still famished.

Mrs. Potts: I left some tea for you upstairs, Your Highness; sleep tight!  (Wheels away)

Average: (Sees the stairs to the West Wing) I owe these people nothing, I owe these people nothing…. (She runs up there and sees Beast’s destroyed room) Oh my!  This place… is… FILTHY!  No wonder he’s always in such a bad mood.  (She sees his human family portrait) Wonder why the father and son are symbolically scratched up?  Did he kill them?  (She then sees the MacGuffin Rose suspended in an upside-down glass vase) How pretty!  Does he have the spirit of the woman in the painting trapped in there?  (She leans in for a closer look just as Beast arrives)

Beast: Not the MacGuffin!  Can’t your family ever stop touching my stuff?!

Average: And I’m out!  (She runs downstairs, grabs a parka, snow boots, and food for a week, and is out the door before the ineffectual servants can stop her)

Lumière:  But I thought she liked the dinner theater?

(Average rides Philippe until she runs afoul of the Plot-Convenient Wolves)

Average: Are there really no other roads out of this place?!

(She and Philippe position themselves back-to-back to fight the wolves; the lead one gets the upper paw on them until Beast arrives)

Beast: Now this is true sport!  (He wrestles the wolves until they run away)

Lead Wolf: (On the run) But Master, you said to keep them here –

Beast: That’s enough out of you, Game Warden!  (Collapses from his wounds)

Average: (Starts to ride away) I owe these people nothing, I owe these – oh, I’d be a murderer if I left now.  (She dismounts and single-handedly lifts Beast onto Philippe to bring him back to the Currently Enchanted Castle)

(In another part of the woods, Gaston drives a cart with Maurice and LeFou)

Maurice: Maybe it was the third tree on the second left…

Gaston: That’s it, future father-in-law, I’m leaving you here to die!  (Ties Maurice to a tree, adding a slab of meat around his neck)

Maurice: I object to scoundrels as sons-in-law, anyway!

LeFou: If I lodge a meek protest will I still be charged as an accessory later?

Gaston: Nonsense, LeFou, you know laws don’t exist here!  (They ride off)

(Back at the Currently Enchanted Castle, in Beast’s room Average attempts First Aid after speed reading Gray's Anatomy)

Beast: You’re an awful doctor and a middling paramedic.

Average: Well you’re mean!

Beast: Well you’re nosy!  And so’s your old man!

Average: And you’re a spoiled brat!

Beast: (Turns away) Sore spot.  (Falls asleep)

Average: (To the servants) Now that you’ve spilled the beans off-screen about the details of your enchantedness, why haven’t you done what needs to be done to reverse it?  Or killed this guy here; I’m sure that would work, too.

Cogsworth: Actually –

Lumière: Nope, nothing to be done right now, but I’m sure the foundations for breaking the spell are being laid as we speak!

Average: That Enchantress was cruel for cursing you all along with him, though.

Mrs. Potts: No, we later realized that we totally deserved it.  He was a cute kid but his awful father made him just as awful as he was and we didn’t interfere, even though we raised him.

Average: Doesn’t that just prove that he sincerely is an awful person?  And what could you have done to stop it – you’re paid to obey and you have no rights, so you couldn’t contradict how your Master treated his own son anyway!

Mrs. Potts: <Gasps> You’re right!  I’ve had it all wrong this whole time!  Ooh, I really hate them both now!

(Beast dreams about his younger self singing to his dead mother while his overbearing father squashes his inner light)

Young Prince: <You’re the only good in my life!>

Beast: Even when I’m asleep I’m surrounded by singing.

Servants: <Maybe one day/ We will be real people again/ And have to deal with hunger, cold, thirst, disease/ Hopefully one day soon!>

Average: <How can they all be so happy?/ I’m still miserable!>  (Checking on Beast) <He’s actually smiling!>

Beast: No, it’s a grimace.  Please make them stop, I’m begging you: you have no idea what it’s been like, year after year after year….

(He later wakes up for reals with his wounds completely healed)

Average: Oh good, you’re awake.  Let me recite some love sonnets to you, then, for kicks and giggles.

Beast: Ew, that’s gross.

Average: That’s all the literature I’ve got from memory, pal!

Beast: I see; it’s up to me then to broaden your horizons – (They go to the Impossibly Huge Library) – with all these here.  Get cracking; you apparently have a lot of catching up to do.

Average: Ho-ly – you own all these books?!  Squee!! (Faints in appreciation)

Beast: Hmm.  Guess my extreme wealth made me take a few things for granted.  Never would have thought some commoner would make me realize that.

Average: (Recovers) Sorry, it’s just that this is my Heaven.

Beast: Aw, you’re a nerd!  I’m a dork – nice to meet you.

(They stroll around the grounds in the summer snow reading poetry to each other)

Average: “Water, water, everywhere/ Nor any drop to drink.”               

Beast: (Brushes away a tear) I never knew that life could be so beautiful!

Average: Here, go bond with my horse for awhile, beast-to-beast.

Beast: I’d be insulted, if he wasn’t so precious!  (To Philippe) Who’s a good boy; you are!  (They bond, until Average wages snowball war upon Beast and wins with the sheer number of her artillery)

Average: Loosen up, stick-in-the-mud!

Beast: Is this what childhood was supposed to feel like?  Because I LOVE IT!  (Returns fire)

(The servants spy on them the whole time)

Servants: <This is the weirdest courtship we’ve ever seen!>

Average: <He was a bit rotten/ Now I see he just needed a friend like me/ And if I start feeling all mushy/ Since he’s really human it’s technically not bestiality>

Beast: <I’ve got a crush/ And it’s so bad/ That now I’m singing in that way that makes me mad!>

Servants: <Here’s hoping they make out by tomorrow!>

Chip: Yuck!

Mrs. Potts: Oh grow up.

(Meanwhile, back in the woods)

Maurice: (Still tied to the tree, surrounded by flies attacking the meat around his neck) I think I’ve lost all feeling in my limbs.

“Agathe”: Come along now – no murder in the second degree on my watch.  (She takes him to her hovel and gives him food)

Maurice: You’re really nice, for a witch.

“Agathe”: That’s Enchan – you’re welcome, peasant.

(Back at the Currently Enchanted Castle, there is a montage of the bookworms reading all over the place, realizing that the ensuing silence makes for the perfect relationship.  Average randomly wanders onto Beast reading in the garden)

Average: Which one’s that?

Beast: None of your business, that’s why I’m reading it out here, go away!

Average: Was that couple in the picture there naked?

Beast: Never you mind, lass.  So, what’ve you been up to?

Average: Reading.

Beast: Ah.  (They hear the servants gallivanting in the castle) They’re certainly living the life – I don’t think an ounce of real work has been done here in ages.  They all hate me, you may have realized by now.

Average: That’s all right; my village calls me a freak.

Beast: Those douches.  I’ll go back to not feeling bad about exploiting them for all that time.  (After a beat) Would you like me to have them killed?

Average: That’s not necessary, but very kind of you to offer.

Beast: (Thinks for a moment) How about we elope?  I mean, run off together?  I mean – can I show you something?

Average: Is it your dirty book?

Beast: Not yet.

(They go to their date spot in the Impossibly Huge Library)

Beast: The Enchantress showered me with gifts when she cursed us – I think she secretly wanted me – and one of them was this magic book that takes you anywhere, sort of like a flying carpet with pages.

Average:  Sure, I’m willing to believe anything now.

Beast: Just think lovely thoughts, and off you – (They are transported to the Moulin Rouge) Why are we in this disgusting garret?

Average: <This is my childhood home!>

Beast: Oh.  It’s cozy.  (He sees a doctor’s mask)  Someone here died of plague?  Just curious: is the incubation period on that days or decades?

(Average inserts flashbacks of her mother saying good-bye to Baby Average and Young Maurice)

Average: I’m going to take this plague-kissed toy rose as a memento of my mother.

Beast: Of course it’d be a rose.  I’m probably going to die by one at this rate.

(They return to the Impossibly Huge Library, bummed out thinking about their mutual motherlessness)

Average: So, for next time, maybe not the magic book that leads to depressing memories?

Beast: (Tossing it into the fireplace) Say no more.

(Back at the village, Gaston and LeFou return to the mead hall)

LeFou: I still feel guilty about our indirect homicide.

Gaston: It’s cute that you have a conscience and all, but it’s also boring.  (They see Maurice and “Agathe” are at the center of attention) Maurice!  I’d’ve thought you’d gotten yourself killed by now!

Maurice: See!  He tried to kill me to show how evil he is!  “Agathe” and LeFou will tell you!

Gaston: “Agathe” is a non-credible source and LeFou is my stooge, so you’ve got nothin’.

LeFou: I hate to say he’s right.

Gaston: Less than nothin’, even – let’s lock him up in the loony bin!

Villagers: Hurrah!

Maurice and The Few Good People There: This is a disappointing reversal.

(At the castle, Beast is getting hosed down)

Beast: But I don’t want to go on a real date!  Can’t I just stay home?

Lumière: You are home, Master – now, this’ll be just like the old days with all those extravagant parties you used to have, hm?  Except there’ll only be one guest and you’ll have to behave yourself.

Beast: Yes yes, that’s all fine, but what if I ask her to dance and she says “No thank you”?

Plumette: I doubt that’ll be an issue.  Now let us finish primping you up!

Beast: There’s no fixing this disaster of a face.

Mrs. Potts: Listen, sonny, the rose petals are nearly all gone so you better not mess this up for us or else there’ll be no one to wait on you hand and foot ever again!

Beast: No one?!  I’ll have to take care of myself?!!

Mrs. Potts: Finally sinking in.  Now go make her be in love with you, tout de suite!  (They kick him out, all dolled up)

(Average also gets all dolled up)

Average: Never thought I’d get to go to a fancy ball.

Madame Garderobe: And you still won’t: it doesn’t count if there are only two attendees.  Via!

(Average and Beast stare at each other across the staircase)

Average: Why are you wearing a grey jumpsuit with strange things attached all over?

Beast: What?  Oh, wait a moment.  (CGI kicks in) Better?

Average: Yes.  What a handsome beast you are.

Beast: Uhhh, thanks?  But you know that this isn’t how I really look.

Average: I’m starting to dig it.

(They dance all over the ballroom floor, to the envy of guests at crowded dances everywhere)

Mrs. Potts: <Love is in the air/ Forced love though it be/ Meet-cute turns into respect/ Then they realize/ They’re each other’s last chance>

Beast: Knock it off!

Mrs. Potts: Leave be as you say.  (On her way out) If we ever are human again, I’m either going to find work in another castle or spit in his tea every day.

(Average and Beast finish dancing and get some fresh air on the balcony)

Average: That was my first formal!

Beast: Oh, I’ve had dozens, but this honestly is the first that wasn’t a complete bore.

Average: Thank you; you’re so sweet!  (Scratches him behind his ear, making him tap his foot)

Beast: Soo, think you’d be happy in your life sentence here?

Average: Since you just reminded me that I’m technically still a prisoner, then no.  Plus my father’s probably burned the house down by now; he’s always so lost without me.

Beast: That’s true.  Hey, let’s find out!  (He takes her to the now-open West Wing and shows her the magic mirror)  Yet another handy Enchantress gift!  Tell it to show him to you!

Average: OK – wait a minute, have you used this to spy on me?

Beast: Only the one time.  You still hated me then and all you were doing was destroying the room, so it’s cool.

Average: All right.  (Starts to look in the mirror)

Beast: And maybe one other time –

Average: Never mind!  (To the mirror) Show me my father!

Mirror: Everyone’s always so rude with me; you would say “Please” if I’d been an enchanted human.  (Shows Maurice being corralled by the villagers)

Average: Those douches!

Beast: I agree.  Go save your daddy, then.  I’d offer to help, but they’d probably stone me.

Average: Wow.  Just like that, I’m free.  I should’ve played this card earlier.  (She tries to hand the mirror back to him)

Beast: No, take it with you.  You can spy on me, if you like.

Average: I probably won’t, but thanks!  (Leaves, presumably forever)

Beast: Oh no – I’ve sealed our doom – I feel it coming – the song – <She’s left meeee/ Howlllll!!!!>  (Sobs in depression as his life of nightly musicals stretches before him)

Average: (Riding away on Philippe) Sounds like a heart breaking, or an annoyed dog.  Can’t think about that now, I’m on a mission again!  Such excitement finally in my life, I can hardly contain myself!

(In the village, the madhouse transporter is ready to lock up Maurice in a wagon just as Average arrives)

Average: What has been going on here since I mysteriously vanished?

Gaston: Yes, where have you been?  Unmarried girls aren’t allowed to go off and have adventures!

Villager: We’re committing your father for saying that a beast held you prisoner in his castle, which is too preposterous to ever be true.

Average: Is too true!  Here’s a magic mirror to prove it!  (To mirror) Show me that manly Beast!

Mirror: Sigh, “Please”?  All right.  (Shows Beast singing and howling)

Average: Wow, he’s in bad shape.  Wonder why?

Gaston: Give me that!  (He snatches the mirror from Average) What a fright.

Average: You take that back!  He’s a sweetheart!

Gaston: Oh no!  You went and got the hots for someone else while I wasn’t looking!

Average: Did not!  Well –

Gaston: He is now my rival and therefore must die.  Form a mob, everyone!  (They form their usual mob and lock Average and Maurice in the wagon) For inspiration, let’s all sing together.

Villagers: But of course!

Gaston and Villagers: <Death to freaks!>

(They head for the Currently Enchanted Castle)

LeFou: <Is it too late to grow a spine?>

(At the Currently Enchanted Castle, the servants go to Beast in his room)

Lumière: Your wooing went wonderfully.  Should I open the champagne now or wait until your engagement is officially announced?

Beast: Wait forever; she’s gone.  I finally learned how to be decent, so I let her leave.

Mrs. Potts: Knew we’d be messed over.  That’s all fine and dandy that you’ve reformed, but what about us?  Apparently you’re not loveable enough to break curses.

Beast: Sorry guys.  Would an extra turkey at Christmastime make it better?

Lumière: Fat lot of good food’ll do us when we’re inanimate objects.

(In the wagon, Average and Maurice have a heart-to-heart)

Maurice: Well, we’re imprisoned again, but I see you finally busted out of that castle – that’s my girl.

Average: Uh, to tell you the truth, Beast and I bonded over books, had a romantic evening, and he said I could go home to save you.

Maurice: Must say, didn’t see that coming.

Average: He also had a magic book that showed me why you abandoned Maman to save me and yourself from plague.

Maurice: Wow, that Beast sounds like a witch.  But you see I wasn’t a coward all those years ago, yes?

Average: Sure, whatever you say.  Now let’s get out of here!  (They burst through the door and Average rides Philippe back to the Currently Enchanted Castle)

Philippe: Make up your mind, girl.

(Meanwhile, the still-wounded Plot-Convenient Wolves allow the mob through the woods)

Plot-Convenient Wolves: Revenge!

(The mob arrives at the Currently Enchanted Castle and starts knocking on the now-locked front door with battering rams)

Servants: (Trying to barricade the entrance) <Save our Beast!>

Mob: <Death to freaks!>

(High above all that)

Beast: Oh look, it’s the villagers.  Wonder if they’re here to start offering tribute again.

Cogsworth: (Arriving) Master, we appear to be under siege.

Beast: Handle it, would you?  I’m emotionally exhausted.

(The servants quickly form a battle plan, allow the mob in, and attack with their unique attributes)

LeFou: (After being pummeled by the furniture) This is all on you, Gaston!

Gaston: Can’t hear you, must dash!  (He runs upstairs to find Beast)

LeFou: That’s it, I’m switching sides.  (Does so)

(The servants and LeFou triumph and the mob staggers away from the castle as Average arrives)

Lumière: This has been one wild night!

(Gaston arrives at Beast’s room)

Beast: And here’s another one.  Does nobody in this world respect personal property?

Gaston: Average, my fiancée this whole time, told me to dispose of you – she only wants me, me, me!

Beast: Ahahahahaha!  Oh, you’re being serious.

(Gaston shoots him to prove just that; Beast leaps across turrets to get away)

Beast: Certainly couldn’t do this as a human, no sir.

Gaston: (Preparing to reload on the balcony) You know, I’ve always wanted to hunt The Most Dangerous Game; thanks to magic, I get my wish.

Average: (Appears suddenly and disarms him) Careful what you wish for!  (Punches him in the face, making him fall to another ledge)

Beast: (Soldiering through the blood loss half a mile away, he sees Average) You’re here!  How romantic!

Average: Stay where you are; I don’t want you heroically risking your life just to be near me! 

Beast: All the more reason to!  (He jumps a few turrets back just to be near her)

Average: I feel so special.

Gaston: (Pops up where Beast lands) Aha!  Got you now!  (Beast grabs him by the hair and prepares to throw him away) Wait!  I don’t wanna die, I’m a blinkin’ coward, and I just wet my pants, waaaah!

Beast: And I thought I was a fraud.  (Gently lowers Gaston to a ledge) Run away, little man!  And remember that I truly am your better in every way.

Gaston: Yes, m’lord, I completely agree!  (Runs away)

Beast: (Leaps a gravity-defying distance and scrambles onto the balcony where Average is) Hi.  You’re back.  With company.

Average: They overpowered me and went off all crazy – I couldn’t stop them!

Beast: Eh, not your fault, and no real harm done.  It’s rather exciting, isn’t it?  (Gaston shoots him again) Or not.  (Collapses)

Average: (Throws herself in front of Beast and yells at Gaston) You beast!

Gaston: That’s “Husband Beast” to you.  (Shoots Beast again)

Beast: Oh come on!

(The ledge Gaston is standing on crumbles away from being weakened with all those MacGuffin Rose earthquakes, and from his constant gun-firing)

Gaston: (Falling to his off-screen death) Oh, the situational ironyyyyyyy...!

(Average cries over the dying Beast; they happen to be next to the simultaneously dying MacGuffin Rose.  “Agathe” approaches unobserved and watches the moving scene)

Beast: Never thought our date night would end like this, did you?

Average: Well, I treated you successfully for wolf wounds earlier; how about I try my hand at trauma surgery, whaddya say?

Beast: You’re a sweetheart.  (Dies as the last petal coincidentally falls)

(The servants celebrating their victory outside the Currently Enchanted Castle suddenly stop as they take turns freezing into permanent furniture)

Servants: Good-bye, cruel world!

(Average resumes crying over Beast)

“Agathe”/Revealed Enchantress: Glad this finally ended; I can pack it up and call it a day.

Average: (To Beast) At long last I realize what love is and you’re it, so I posthumously forbid you to die!

Enchantress: Hm.  This technically is after the last petal fell and he never actually said out loud that he loved her, but I’ll allow it.  (She uses her power over life and death to revive the dead Beast and turn him back into Prince by shaving him, then peaces out)

Prince: (Feeling his face) I’m smooth!  I’m shorter!  I have no more overbite!  (He turns to face Average)

Average: Who the blazes are you?!

Prince: The guy who just took three bullets for you!

Average: Oh.  You’re not going to revert to being a jerk now that you’re acceptable to society again, right?

Prince: Nope!  I’m cured of my elite-itis.

(Only when they kiss to seal the deal does the castle return to its former glory and the furniture servants are changed back into humans and make out with each other)

Chip: Yuck.

Lumière: (Looks up at the West Wing) Finally!  What took you two so long?!

(The former mob returns with their memories of the Currently Unenchanted Castle and its inhabitants, and all are reunited)

Cogsworth: This is not a happy ending for me.

(Average and Prince make their entrance among the common folk)

Prince: Good people!  I forgive you of your many crimes against me!

Villager: And we forgive you for taking all our money for so long – since you now look like a hippie, we’ll just move into your castle and let bygones be bygones.

Prince: Fine by me!  I now live by my new motto of liberty, equality, fraternity!

Average: You can thank me for teaching him that.

LeFou: Um, can someone help me with Gaston over here?  He’s a bit of a mess.

(The peasants and aristocrat have a ball to make the story come full circle)

Madame Garderobe: <As with any operatic comedy/ Love conquers all!>

Mrs. Potts: <She was so Average/ And he was such a Beast/ But now we all can breathe/ And continue with our lives/ And I can stop making tea>

Maurice: Will singing be a requirement for us to live here?

Average: (To Prince as they dance) Why are you looking at me as if I’m a meal?

Prince: There’s a book I want to read with you later – you know the one, rowrr.

Average: This experience certainly has made you adventurous, if nothing else.

Enchantress: (Watching from afar) You all learned your lesson?  Good – don’t make me come back here ever again.

Madame Garderobe: