The X-Traordinary Philes: A parody of "The X-Files"

NEW YORK CITY

AT AN INDETERMINATE POINT IN THE SERIES

TEA TIME

(Members of the Old Men Syndicate are gathered in their secret lair/lounge.  Coughing and hacking are heard from the hallway: the door opens and the Cigarette-Smoking Man enters, wheeling an oxygen tank behind him)

Cigarette-Smoking Man: I can only go for five minutes at a time without this thing, so I’ll get right to the point.  (He pulls out a cigarette and lights it; the other men in the room rebel)

Well-Manicured Man: Enough with that!

Random Elder: Yes, I already have CHF and COPD!

Cigarette-Smoking Man: (Speaks through the cigarette) Silence!  This is my only defining characteristic!  Now, I need your advice on how to deal with our regular busybodies – (He tosses a photo onto a table) Agents Mulder and Scully.

(The men groan)

Random Elder: Them again?  Why haven’t we killed them?  Or, better yet, just have them fired?  (The others in the room murmur in agreement)

Cigarette-Smoking Man: You know perfectly well that the great and powerful Carter would never allow it.  The old “killing Mulder would turn his obsession into a crusade” shtick is the justification I consistently rely on.

Random Elder: I really don’t think there’s anyone else who would care enough about his life’s work to take it up if he was gone, and anyone who did would have even less power and influence than he does.  At any rate, haven’t those two retired by now?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: They can’t afford to.

Random Elder: Honestly, they can’t be that close to exposing us.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: No, I mean that they literally can’t afford to.  This recession has hit everybody – even I had to switch to a cheaper brand of cancer sticks.  So, what is to be done?

Random Elder: Does anything need to be done?  I mean, what can they actually do to stop us?  Find something?  Spread the word to a disbelieving public?  Stare in shock? 

Cigarette-Smoking Man: True, but they tend to pop up at inconvenient moments, and right now they’re upsetting one of our schemes.

Second Random Elder: Which one, the hormones-in-the-food scheme?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: No.

Third Random Elder: The smallpox-spread-by-bees one?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: No.

Fourth Random Elder: The assassination-of-important-figures one?

Fifth Random Elder: The murders-by-watching-television one?

Sixth Random Elder: The use-of-war-criminal-scientists-to-conduct-hideous-experiments one?

Seventh Random Elder: The Internet?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: That one’s ours?

Seventh Random Elder: You bet your sweet bum it is.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Hm.  I would have thought we had more class than that.  No, it’s the one where our alien masters take over the world and we get a 10% cut of what’s left.

Random Elder: Oh, pssh, let those two interfere, then.  Three-quarters of the planet is made up of hybrids by now anyway.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Yes, but we must foil those do-gooders at every turn, and gloat in our victory afterwards.  Otherwise, it’ll all have been too easy and pointless.  Ak-gak!  (Violently hacks up something)  Speaking of hideous experiments, does anyone have a lung they’re currently not using?

Random Elder: Better get one now before we’re all wiped out by the enemies of our enemies and/or our fake friends.  Question – why do we get the opening scene in this?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: To simultaneously set up the plot and make the audience want to see the main characters even more.  Have you never paid attention to one of these?

(Opening credits show spooky images and model headshots of the lead actors.  This installment’s tagline: KEEP `EM GUESSING)

RANDOM STATE, USA

AN UNGODLY HOUR THE NEXT MORNING

(Mulder is puttering around in front of a farmhouse, using an array of gadgets to examine the ground)

Mulder: (Voice-over) <For years, we have looked to the skies, desperately seeking that which we cannot hope to understand in a million millennia.  Dauntless, we strive onward, sacrificing our dreams, our happiness, and our social lives, if only discover: what is The Truth?  Where is The Truth?  Is it Out There?  Or is it Down Here?  Hence why I dig, ever searching, ever – > (He sees “Something”) Ho-ly Grail – Scully! (Scully is inside the farmhouse, dissecting a brain on the kitchen table) Scul-lay!  Scul-lay!  Scullay, Scullay, Scullay – !

Scully: (Rips off her goggles) If you keep interrupting my lancing, Mulder, the next head on this table will be yours!  What is it?!

Mulder: Uh – (An alien is standing across from him in the yard) It’s kind of important.

Scully: (Stomps outside) You know, you’re perfectly capable of bringing in the mail yourself – (Sees the alien) Heavens above!  (She runs into the house, then runs back out and points off into the distance) Look, behind you!  (As the alien and Mulder both look towards where she is pointing, she throws a switchblade into the back of the alien’s neck.  The alien writhes and partially dissolves into a pile of green goo – Scully passes Mulder a gas mask from her back pocket and puts one on herself)

Mulder: What have you done?!  (Runs to the body)

Scully: Is it dead?

Mulder: How should I know?!  And why didn’t you use the fancy stiletto?

Scully: Why?  Any old pointy object will do.

(They drag the extraterrestrial remains into the barn and toss the body onto a table, removing their masks)

Scully: Might as well do a necropsy on what’s left.

Mulder: Don’t you mean an autopsy?

Scully: Who’s the actual scientist here?  That’s what I thought.  (She pulls out the switchblade and starts slicing the alien’s chest open with it.  The alien makes a noise; she whacks it on the head with a mallet)

Mulder: (Grabs her arm) Doctor!  Didn’t you swear to “First, do no harm”?!  Or some version of that?!

Scully: (Slaps his face) I let my license expire.

Mulder: <Gasps>

Scully: Twenty years ago!

Mulder: <Screams>

Scully: Calm down.

Mulder: How did you even get away with it?

Scully: I had the skills and connections to take care of that.  Now be a dear and hold the recorder and scale while I dismember this thing.  (After the dismemberment) Nothing.  Why am I always surprised that I find nothing?

(In Mulder’s apartment that evening, he and Scully sit across from each other on the couch)

Mulder: There are things that can’t be explained, things beyond the realm of science, of logic, of reason, of sanity, even.  These things can’t hide from me forever: I will expose them, naked to the world, so I can point and laugh at them, and then the world will know – are you sleeping?

Scully: (Leaning on her hand) Mm-no.

Mulder: What did I just say?

Scully: Something about “naked.”

Mulder: How could you?

Scully: Your voice tends to lull everyone into a stupor, in case you haven’t noticed.

Mulder: I haven’t!  So what have you got that’s better?

Scully: Science, logic, reason, and sanity.  Although, I do need a Queen of Spades.

Mulder: (Looks at the cards in his hand) Go fish.

(The phone rings)

Scully: (Answers) Hello?

(There are clicking sounds on the line)

Mrs. Scully: (Voice) Hi Dana, it’s Mom.  How’s my only daughter doing?

Scully: Fine – listen, Mom, I’m going to have to call you back.

Mrs. Scully: (Voice) I understand – I called Mulder’s number because I knew you’d be there, but it’s nothing urgent, wink, wink.

Scully: You’re disgusting – bye!  (Disconnects) Dammit, Mulder, the phone’s bugged again!

Mulder: Argh, that’s the second time today!  (He picks up the phone and dials) I’m putting a stop to this, once and for all.

Scully: Who are you calling?

Mulder: Ssh.  (Sound of a dial tone, then someone picks up and clicks are heard)

Voice: Thank you for calling Tooms’s Tombs, this is Eugene, how may I help you?

Mulder: Why don’t you people leave us alone?!  Whyyyyy??!!!

Voice: (Pause) Diiiid you want to place an order?

Mulder: You’ll never stop us, do you hear me?!  Never!  (He throws the phone against the wall) There, that ought to do it.

FBI HEADQUARTERS

WASHINGTON. D.C.

TIME – IMMATERIAL

(In Skinner’s office)

Skinner: Agent Scully, as usual your report and spy journal entries were thorough and informative, so naturally no one read them.

Scully: Then why are they mandatory?  Do you know how much sleep I could have gotten if I didn’t have to do those?

Skinner: Agents must live their jobs, Agent.  On the other hand, Agent Mulder, your report was exactly two sentences long.

Mulder: I don’t like to waste words.

Skinner: (Reads from a piece of scrap paper) “I saw an alien today.  Agent Scully didn’t believe me.”

Mulder: I have a few templates and change the dates at the top.

Scully: I hate you so much.

Skinner: With that out of the way, I’ll get right to the point: the X-Files are being shut down yet again due to lack of outside interest, so I’m breaking you two up.  (Mulder and Scully scream and hug each other sideways while still sitting) You’ll each be assigned new partners to torment.  Now scram.

Scully: (Stands) This is unacceptable!  Sir!

Skinner: Do you like money, Agent Scully?  Health insurance?  Paid time off?

Scully: Your actions are most generous and merciful, sir.  (Leaves)

Mulder: (Stands) I’m not so easily bought – you can’t keep us apart from each other, nor from our mistress, The Truth!

Skinner: (Without looking up from his writing) You’re being transferred to Pittsburgh.

Mulder: (Falls to his knees) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

(In Pittsburgh, Mulder reports to the field office there)

Special Agent in Charge: I heard you like basements, so we’re sticking you in the broom closet.

(Mulder sets up his posters there.  There is a knock on the door)

Mulder: Have you found me at last, my love?  (Opens the door) Who are you?  My new partner?

Student: (Speaking through a retainer) Actually, Mr. Mulder, I’m a graduate student with Penn State doing my thesis on whether extraterrestrial abductors really perform the same type of experiments on humans that humans perform on laboratory animals – part of my study involves shadowing a federal agent, and I requested you because you’re the alien guy.

Mulder: Oh good God.

(Meanwhile, Scully gets to stay in Washington, D.C. and has taken over Mulder’s office)

Scully: Too bad the windows are so high up – I have a sudden urge to hang curtains.  (There is a knock on the door; she leaps up from the chair behind his desk where she had been propping up her feet) Is that you, my love?  (Opens the door)

Nondescript: Not unless you want me to be.  I’m Agent Nondescript, your new partner.  I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

Scully: Welcome to the club.  Fortunately, there’s a murder waiting to happen any second now for us to investigate.  (The phone rings and she picks it up)  Hello?  Yesss.  (She hangs up) That was it – we’re heading to Hawai’i.

Nondescript: Woo-hoo!  I love the FBI!

(They spend half a day in the air while Mulder drives Student to a crime scene)

Student: So I was wondering, with all your experience, what tips could you give me on how to get abducted?

Mulder: (Distracted by his latest internal monologue) Tips?

Student: You know, the best location, the best time of day, the right scent, that sort of thing.  Or would your former partner be the better person to interview for that?

Mulder: Wait, you want to get abducted?  Why?

Student: Mr. Mulder, you were a grad student once, you know I can’t complete my thesis without firsthand observation.

Mulder: That is true.

(In Hawai’i, Scully and Nondescript stand over a body)

Scully: That body looks suspicious.

Nondescript: Yeah, suspiciously dead.

Scully: Suspiciously… non-human.

Nondescript: Looks pretty human to me.

Scully: Does it?  And what about the cause of death?

Nondescript: (Picks up the body by the shoulders to show an axe sticking out of the head) I think it’s clear!

Scully: (Meaningfully stares into the distance) Is it?  (Raises an eyebrow; music goes “duh-duh-duhhhh!”)

(Still in Pittsburgh, Mulder and Student stand over a body)

Student: Is that body an alien?

Mulder: No.

Student: Too bad.  That would’ve made this easier.  Do you know a good place where I could find alien corpses?

Mulder: No!  (Dials on his cell phone) Scully?

Scully: (Picks up her phone) Mulder?

Mulder and Scully: I can’t take it anymore!  You’re the only one who understands me!  You too?  Find me!  (They disconnect)

Mulder: (To Student) You’re fired.  (He walks to his car)

Student: Technically, Mr. Mulder, seeing as I am a grad student and not employed by your organization, I cannot actually be fired by you.  However, if you wish to terminate your preceptorship, I can give you my advisor’s contact information.  (There is the sound of screeching tires) Mr. Mulder?  You’re my only ride.

(In Hawai’i)

Scully: You’ve got this, right?

Nondescript: Uh, we haven’t looked at the evidence yet….

Scully: I can’t do all the work for you!  (She hops on the first plane back to D.C. and arrives at the terminal there as Mulder arrives at his office – realizing that the other is not already there waiting, they arrange to meet dramatically at a convenient graveyard.  They get out of their cars, stand, and stare at each other)

Scully: Hey.

Mulder: Hey.  Are we at awkward arm-pat phase, friendly hug phase, warm hug phase, forehead kiss phase, or hot make-out phase?

Scully: Gosh, we’re nowhere near hot make-out phase.  How about standing and yearning phase?

Mulder: Why not – it’s tried and true.  (They stand and yearn)  OK, back to work.

(Back at the office, Skinner bursts through the door)

Skinner: What is this I hear that you two left in the middle of your investigations and are back here when I deliberately separated you?!  Agent Nondescript had to collar a serial killer on his own, and your grad student has been reported missing, presumed abducted!

Mulder: Sounds like everyone got what they wanted.

Scully: Sir, I think you need a vacation for your mental health.  (Writes on a pad, tears off a page, and hands it to him) I prescribe two weeks off with the option for an extension.

Skinner: You –

Scully: That’s an order!

Skinner: Yes, ma’am.  (Leaves)

Scully: This fake prescription pad always comes in handy.

Mulder: Right, so we’ve been out of commission for a day and already the work’s piling up.  (He tosses her an X-File file) Here’s a new one that seems to involve that Old Men Syndicate that tries to control everything and ruin lives – one of my favorite types of cases.

Scully: Wait a minute, I thought this was a standalone Monster-of-the-Week, but now it’s Mythology Arc?

Mulder: For us it started out as standalone MOTW, then it morphed into Mytharc, so ha-ha to everybody who wasn’t paying attention in the beginning.  Although, this does seem more along the lines of the killer bugs we faced in Season 1 or the killer mold we faced in Season 2.

Scully: That was killer fungus – we’ve never faced killer mold.

Mulder: We should have faced killer mold – that would have been awesome.

Scully: (Looking through the file and smiling at the photos) That one’s cute.  So if this does have anything to do with that so-called alien who turned up on our doorstep way back at the beginning of this adventure, this case may again mean the end of everything that matters only to us, or that one or both us will be killed-then-resurrected or just almost-killed, and I don’t think I’m quite up to going through all that right now.  It’s funny, though – I never did get to present my irrefutable proof of the connection between humanity and extraterrestrials: the genetic link between the two species that no one, not even skeptical me, could deny as it stared us in the face.  I was rudely interrupted during that official presentation by my metastasized cancer almost finishing me off as I dripped blood all over the hard copy.

Mulder: How did I miss all that?!

Scully: It was when you faked your suicide and I opposed all of my principles by lying for you while I was dying.  There were a lot of upheavals at that time in my life.

Mulder: I’ll say.  So where’s the proof?  I want to see it.

Scully: Here.  (Holds up a piece of film)

Mulder: (Studies the film) It’s two dots.

Scully: But – this is the proof!  They’re identical, showing that there is a DNA link between humanity and extraterrestrial life!  This changes everything – you were actually right!

Mulder: It’s two dots.

Scully: A scientist can clearly see that all that work I did processing my DNA and that of the alien that was found in the Canadian ice resulted in an exact match!

Mulder: It’s two dots.

Scully: Of all the times not to accept evidence, and it’s the time that I produce something.  Have it your way: I’m regressing to my doubting everything you hypothesize.

Mulder: No!  Wait, I see it all now!

Scully: Too late – the doubt has returned.

Mulder: (Cries) Nooo, come baaack!

Scully: Maybe later, but I’ll still be forever annoyed at you and at “them.”  Not only was I abducted, experimented upon, implanted with a computer chip, and given cancer, but the whole thing also made me unable to have children even if I wanted spawn.

Mulder: Not necessarily.  (He pulls out a tube with her name written on it) I nicked this from that hybrid vault I broke into, on the off-chance that this very situation would arise.

Scully: Mulder, is that – have you – did you pocket my ova?!

Mulder: (Awkward pause) Well when you word it like that….

Scully: I can’t believe you’ve been carrying around my genetic material all this time like it’s spare change!

Mulder: Hey – I couldn’t bear the thought that there were possibly a billion baby Scullys running around with no Mulder strain in the mix.  Now, problem solved.  We can replace your tragic dead alien hybrid daughter, What’s-Her-Name.

Scully: What tragic dead alien hybrid daughter?

Mulder: Exactly.

Scully: (Looks at her watch) I’ve wasted enough time talking to you today – I’m going to look into this.  (Takes the file, grabs the ova tube from him, and starts to leave)

Mulder: I’ll go find people to interview so I can get to the bottom of this through their minds.  (Starts chewing sunflower seeds)

Scully: And clean those things up before I get back!  You always leave such a mess.

Mulder: You’d rather I’d spit tobacco instead?  (Scully leaves.  He opens a notebook and starts writing.  After a few moments, he stares in shock at what he has written, grabs a tape recorder, and hits “Record”)

Mulder: This is it – after all these years, I have had the breakthrough: if you take the word “alien”, remove the “i” and the “n” and add an “x”, it spells “Alex.”  Alex Double-Crossing Single-Armed Krycek – I KNEW IT!  (The phone rings; he presses “Stop” on the recorder and picks up the phone) Yel-lo?

Scully: (Voice) Mulder, it’s me.

Mulder: And “me” is….?

Scully: (Voice) Scully!  Who else calls you?!

Mulder: Oh, hey girl, what’s happening?

(In an abandoned warehouse, she is tied up and hanging upside down on a hook, with a phone propped against her ear)

Scully: Well, I’ve been abducted.  Again.

Mulder: That’s a damn shame.  How many times is this now?

Scully: I’ve stopped counting. 

Mulder: Was it terrestrial or extra-?

Scully: I’m thinking Earthly.  From what I could tell, it’s that bank-robbing deadbeat dad those folks on the second floor at headquarters have been looking for.  Why couldn’t he have stayed in their jurisdiction and kidnapped one of them?

Mulder: (Making paper flying saucers) He probably heard you were easier to get to.  The creeps always seem to go for you – they have memorable names, but I like the descriptions better: the alien abductee abductor, the immortal flexible liver eater twice, the homicidal psychic photographer, the pedantic heart-stealing author, the hair and nail fetishist twice, the –

Scully: I get it.  And I have two words for you: Diana Fowley.   Every time she showed up, she had you by the –

Mulder: I’ll be right there.  I have to ask: didn’t you ever attend any of those self-defense classes required by the Bureau?

Scully: I did after the second snatching, but the moves always fail me and my gun is always out of reach when I need it most.

Mulder: Tell me about it.  I almost always have to burst in at the last second to pluck you out of danger – you’re lucky my timing is perfect.

Scully: So….

Mulder: So….?

Scully: So, I’m hanging in a warehouse on Abandoned Street, and if you happen to find yourself in the neighborhood, could you swing by and pick me up?!

Mulder: (Starts painting his model UFO) You know, if I have to drop everything every time some fool gets it into his head to spirit you away, I’ll get nothing done.

Scully: Stop playing with your toys and save my life!

Mulder: You’re a woman of the new millennium, Scully: save yourself.

Scully: (Grinds teeth)

Mulder: How’d you get hold of a working phone, anyway?

Scully: I… don’t know….

Mulder: Sounds like an X-File to me.  Let me know how it turns out.  By the way, I came across a highly suspicious mummy that I want you to slice open when you have a second.

Scully: (Untying her hands and feet and jumping off the hook) Is that all I’m good for, being your on-call pathologist?

Mulder: It’s your most useful skill, you have to admit.  Just get your sweet cheeks over here ASAP!  (Disconnects)

Scully: Dork.  (Disconnects angrily, then realizes that she is free) Maybe I have superpowers – best to ignore them.  (She returns to the office) Well, that was a dead end.  Now where is this mummy that has you all hot and bothered?

Mulder: There is no mummy; I just wanted to bust your chops.  (The phone rings and he answers) Hello?  Just in time.  (Hangs up) The Lone Gunmen have some information for us, so we have to go to their super-secret hideout to get it.

Scully: Sure – those paranoid outcasts are always good for a laugh.

(They travel to The Lone Gunmen’s hideout)

Frohike: Scully, babe, you haven’t visited in ages!

Scully: “Not interested” means “Go away!”

Mulder: Byers, how’s the love of your life doing?

Byers: Still on the run from the law; I’ll probably never see her again.

Langly: You’re lucky – at least you have a backstory.

Byers/Frohike/Langly: Now we speak as one: the government is spying on you and plotting evil experiments to control your mind, actions, and shopping habits.

Mulder: That’s it?  I thought you had new information.

Byers/Frohike/Langly: No, but we do have a new stand-up routine we want to test out on you: “FBI, CIA, and NSA agents walk into a bar…”

Mulder: You nerds are dead to me.

(He and Scully return to the office)

Scully: That went nowhere.  They didn’t even analyze anything for us on illegal equipment.

Mulder: Next time they make us go there, I’m stealing something.  (The phone rings, this time ominously.  He picks it up) Hello?  (Listens for awhile) Who is this?  (Listens) OK, see you later.  Bye!  (Hangs up and puts on his jacket to show that he means business) This is great – that mysterious phone call told me that “they” are at it again with the smallpox alien infestation thing, and the only tool we have to counteract “them” is public exposure.  The voice sounded like a mix between Deep Throat and Mr. X, but since they’re both dead for reals, it might be the wiles of Marita Covarrubias again, unless she’s being used by the “them” for the fifteenth time.  I’m thinking “they” have moved on from bees as the virus delivery mechanism and are now using hand sanitizers, available at malls and cruise ships everywhere.  It’s ingenious.

Scully: But Mulder, that theory is absolutely ludicrous and overly convoluted! 

Mulder: Scully, when it comes to the ludicrous and convoluted, I am always right! 

Scully: Yes, yes, but how can you be so certain you are right?

Mulder: I’m certain because, with all the commercials, we’ve only got eight minutes now to wrap this thing up!  (He walks out the door, then sticks his head back in) Unless you want a Part Two, `cause that can be arranged.

Scully: Anything but that!  (They go to the parking garage and each heads to their own car) Oooh, can’t I ever drive?

Mulder: And what would that make me look like?  Less of a man, that’s what.  (They get into his car and he drives them to the meeting place for his contact)

NEFARIOUS DOCKS

DEAD OF NIGHT

(They walk towards a tanker, turn a corner, and see that a woman is standing in the middle of their path)

Mulder: Who are you?

“Samantha”: Hello Fox, I am your sister, Samantha.

Mulder: Not this again.  How many times do you have to break my heart?

Scully: Do you think she’s Hybrid Samantha or could she actually be Samantha Prime?

Mulder: One way to find out.  (He shoots “Samantha” – green ooze comes out of her)

“Samantha”: Fox!  (Falls down)

(Mulder and Scully take gas masks from their jacket pockets and don them)

Mulder: NO ONE CALLS ME “FOX!”  (He stabs “Samantha” in the back of the neck with the stiletto and she dissolves into all goo)

Scully: That’s the tenth one of her we’ve taken down – how are you going to know when the real one shows up?

Mulder: She’ll bleed red, I guess.  (After the danger seemingly passes, they take off their masks.  He tenderly touches “Samantha’s” goo where her cheek would have been) Who knows if that was even what she would have looked like when she grew up.  Poor kid never got to experience me beating up potential boyfriends for her.  (He stands and stares evilly at Scully)

Scully: What’s the matter with you?

Mulder: Nothing.  (Black oil swims across his eyes)

Scully: Not the black oil.  So you’re going to pull the whole “possessed by aliens” excuse again to make me do all your paperwork, aren’t you.

Mulder: Why not?  You milked “I’ve got health issues” for years!

Scully: You just spit that out right now, young man.  (She holds out a paper cup and he obligingly oozes out the alien oil – she dumps the contents into the ocean, then slaps her forehead for not thinking that through) Your contact’s a bust and you failed again.  Let’s clock out so I can get at least two hours of sleep.

Mulder: There is no clock – we’re always working.

Scully: Sometimes I actually wish I were in retail, if only to get paid overtime.

ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINIA (AKA MULDER’S APARTMENT)

LATER THAT EARLY MORNING

(Mulder is pacing in his living room, constantly glancing at his phone.  Unable to hold back any longer, he picks it up and dials)

GEORGETOWN, WASHINGTON, D.C. (AKA SCULLY’S APARTMENT)

THE SAME TIME

(Scully is in deep REM sleep when her phone rings, shattering her serenity.  She scrambles to pick it up)

Scully: Hello?  What happened?

Mulder: Scully, it’s me.  I need someone to talk to.

Scully: (Yawning) You have fish – that’s what they’re there for.

Mulder: This is important!  I need to know: do you ever feel like you’re a failure?

Scully: Every day.

Mulder: Well, you know that my whole life from adolescence on has been about finding out what happened to my sister –

Scully: Again with your sister!  I wish the aliens had taken you!

Mulder: – and I wanted to let you know that The Truth was finally revealed to me.  I know it was The Truth because the episode was titled “Closure,” which wraps this whole storyline up in a neat little bow at last.

Scully: OK, so is she still out in space or is she stowed away in some government lab?

Mulder: Neither: Cigarette-Smoking Man took her as his own daughter, then experiments were done on her so she ran away, then a serial killer was going to get her, so some beings took her with other potential victims into The Light.  It was quite beautiful – we had a very moving spirit reunion.

Scully: So she was murdered to keep her from being murdered?

Mulder: ….

Scully: The tragedy is that you could have saved me some trouble in my life by finding all this out back in the `80s.

Mulder: Don’t talk to me about tragedy; I’m surrounded by death.  My sister is, apparently, dead; a large number of my colleagues and informants have been murdered; my maybe-father was murdered; my mother murdered herself – my whole life is an opera libretto!

Scully: (Looks up suddenly) No in-laws.

Mulder: What?

Scully: What?  Yes, definitely, your life is awful, I wouldn’t want to be you.  I’m hanging up now.

Mulder: Sweet dreams.  I know I won’t have any that don’t involve premonitions or flashbacks.  (He spends the rest of the night sitting on his couch and staring at the wall)

FBI HEADQUARTERS

IF YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE THAT IS BY NOW, TURN IN YOUR FAN CARD

THE NEXT DAY

(Mulder is in his office finally entering his X-Files into a database.  The phone rings and he picks it up)

Mulder: (Typing with two fingers) Mulder speaking; I’m busy.

Scully: (On a stretcher) Mulder, it’s Scully – I’ve been admitted to the hospital.

Mulder: What?!  Are you dying again?!  It’s “them,” isn’t it, and it’s all my fault, isn’t it?!  Forgive meeee!!!

Scully: I’m just having a bilateral knee replacement; I should be back to running and jumping by tomorrow.  While I was checking in, I also was checking on our lone witness to our case and found out that he escaped from his hospital bed.

Mulder: That’s news?  We’ve never put someone in the hospital without them escaping at least once – I myself have upheld that time-honored tradition.

Scully: Regardless, I’m actually calling to tell you not to visit me.

Mulder: Why… not?

Scully: You know why not: (whispers) you tend to make a scene.

Mulder: I do not!  I am very loving and compassionate!

Scully: To me, maybe, but not to everybody else.  If you’re not beating up the doctors, you’re beating up the Shadowy G-Men.  Or our boss.

Mulder: They can’t keep us apart!

Scully: I’m glad you think so, but sometimes I need my own space!  And don’t call me for a day.  (She disconnects and is given anesthesia as the procedure begins)

Mulder: (Hangs up) I’ll show her – she said nothing about not sending her singing telegrams.

THE NEXT DAY

(Mulder enters his office and sees that Scully is already there working on her laptop with her knees taped up)

Mulder: Are you OK?  Do you need me to hold your hand or caress your face? 

Scully: No thank you, Smother.  While I was in the Recovery Room yesterday, I ran complete background checks on our suspects for the Monster-of-the-Week we’re squeezing in-between conspiracies, and all of them came up as registered perverts.

Mulder: Not one of them is suspiciously normal?  There must be some mistake.

Scully: (Peering at her screen) The download is going to take nine minutes?  What am I going to do for that long?  Excuse me.  (She takes the laptop, drives to the town in Oregon they visited in the Pilot, sees the red X that Mulder had spray-painted on the road all those years ago, checks the car clock, and loses nine minutes.  She looks at the laptop – download complete.  Looks up) I don’t believe in you guys, but you have your uses.  (She drives back to the office in D.C. and plops back into her chair; Mulder is in the exact same position as when she had left) So all the blood and hair have been analyzed and they’re completely human.  How much more evidence do you need that this is the work of an ordinary serial killer?

Mulder: You’re supposed to find me extraterrestrial evidence – barring that, I want evidence that’s just plain weird.  Let’s go out and find some.

Scully: But I’m getting all the work done here.

Mulder: Yeah, and I’m bored!

(They charge the American taxpayers two first-class round-trip non-stop tickets to Alaska)

Scully: (Disembarking) Ah, this brings back fond memories of Vancouver.

Mulder: No one misses Vancouver – we all love L.A.

(They interview the locals)

Local Sheriff: Something’s killing our reindeer!

Scully: Have any hunters around here?

Local Sheriff: Well, it’s hunting season, so –

Scully: Mystery solved.

Mulder: Don’t listen to her – she speaks out of reflex.  So do you have any hunters here?  (Winks exaggeratedly at him)

Local Sheriff: Yeah, I just said –

Mulder: I mean hunters, as in animalistic, quasi-human, sprung-from-legend, motivated-by-recent-trauma, driven-to-carnage hunters.  Of HUMAN BEINGS.

Local Sheriff: It’s just reindeer getting killed right now.

Mulder: Blast it, man, I don’t have time to be stonewalled by the local constabulary!  Out of my way!  (He runs past Local Sheriff and Scully and confronts the Monster-of-the-Week in its lair) You’re just a misunderstood freak, but I have to kill you anyway.  (He recites an ancient spell of blessing that casts the creature back to the realm from whence it came.  He emerges triumphant) OK folks, you can walk the streets again, your torments are at an end.  (Sees a reindeer on a hill) Be at peace, my friend.

Scully: (Arrives on a dog sled) I missed it again!  You didn’t wait for me to at least corroborate your shenanigans!  You’re never going to be believed!

Mulder: We always go through the same routine: our superiors never believe me, yet they keep on signing my paychecks.

(From behind a bush, the Cigarette-Smoking Man appears with a portable ventilator)

Cigarette-Smoking Man: At last, we confront each other for the hopefully final time.

Scully: Oh, what do you want now?  Don’t you start getting involved in dead reindeer cases – those ones are all ours, do you hear me?!

Cigarette-Smoking Man: It’s never just dead reindeer.  Besides, you were starting to forget about me.

Mulder: I never would, with an awkward name like Spender.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Don’t say it!  Knowing my real name makes me appear weak!

Scully: It certainly takes away a bit of your mystique.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: This is very serious business!  You must stop investigating our current scheme or else all will be ruined!

Mulder: Oh please, how many times have I heard that?  You’ve already ruined pretty much everyone around me, torched my life’s work, and tried to have me killed, experimented on, slandered, and libeled, so bring it on!

Cigarette-Smoking Man: I could hide more evidence from you.

Mulder: No!  I won’t interfere ever again, I promise!

Scully: Speaking as a repeat victim of your arranged abductions and cancer-and-baby-implantations, I vow to hunt you down and slap you silly.  With a lawsuit.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: You wouldn’t dare.  Don’t forget, you’re speaking to someone who shot his own son.

Mulder: Yeah, about that – that’s twice you’ve messed up my office, what with the fire and the bloodstains and the weeks-long crime scene investigations.  Between the burning and the shooting, you owe me over $50,000 in damages!

Cigarette-Smoking Man: That’s incorrect: I owe the FBI over $50,000 in damages.

Mulder: (Through clenched teeth) The posters were mine.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Fine!  Here’s everything you need to know about everything you ever wanted to know!  (Hands him a file)

Mulder: (Looking through it) It is everything about everything I ever wanted to know!  Thank you so much!

Cigarette-Smoking Man: (Shrugs) It’s nothing.  (They shake hands) So we’re cool?

Mulder: (Smiles) Yeah, we’re cool – go, on get out of here, you rascal.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: My worthy foe.  How I wish you had been the one who had sprung from my loins instead of that inadequate patsy Jeffrey.  Scratch that; it turns out you actually did spring from my loins after all.

Mulder: So my name really should be Fox Spender?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: I would have named you Chris.  (He drags on a cigarette around the vent and disappears in a haze of coughing)

Scully: (Gestures to the file) So that’s it?  The X-File to solve all X-Files?

Mulder: (In reverence) It is.  It’s over, Scully, we finally have The Answer.

Scully: So what is it?

Mulder: Ludicrous and convoluted.  But it boils down to Old Men wanting to control everyone’s lives.

Scully: So, same-old same-old?  What a let down.

THE END??????????

At least they’ll always have the Monster-of-the-Week

CODA 1: THE POST-MULDER-ABDUCTION YEARS

(when the series became an alternate universe version of itself)

(Opening credits vary depending on whether Mulder is on that week.  Each one during the season when he is alien-abducted has him falling through the air and out of the show, yelling: “Don’t forget about meeee….”)

Doggett: (To Scully) I’m Agent Doggett – your replacement as skeptic.

Scully: I’m Scully, temporarily filling in for Mulder as believer.  It doesn’t fit me that well.

Skinner: Does it help that I’m now spouting the same alien conspiracy tripe with you?

Scully: Somehow, that makes it worse.

(To make herself feel better, she flashes back to happier times; namely, The Big Event of how she mysteriously became knocked up, impossibly, again)

Mulder: You look sadder and more depressed than normal.

Scully: I just found out that I can’t have any kids because of my so-called “alien” kidnapping.

Mulder: Just found out?  Don’t you remember that I’d found your eggs in cold storage but you can’t hatch any of them?

Scully: Says you!  (She gets a fake second opinion from an alien baby-stealing Ob/Gyn and confronts Mulder in his office) In your face!  My eggs can hatch after all, and now that I’ve gone from “science, career, justice” to “baby, baby, baby” and my life will be meaningless until I’m a mother, I’d like you to be the one to contribute to the other half of this equation.  I really have no one else to ask.

Mulder: (Stares at her with his eyes bugging out and one eyebrow arched) Whaaaaat?

Scully: I think we’re at the point in our relationship where no request is off-limits.

Mulder: I’m playing with you – of course I’ll give you a baby, girlfriend!  Just don’t ask me to raise it.

Scully: I wouldn’t ask you to raise your own fish!

(Back to the present)

Doggett: I know you didn’t trust me right away, but why did you go for literally months without telling me that you were in a delicate condition?  With the way you were wandering around all sneakily and looking like you got hit in the head, I thought you were on drugs!

Scully: A woman has to have her secrets and cannot betray the father of her child, plus I didn’t want to let “them” win by getting myself kicked off the truth-seeking project going nowhere that is the X-Files.

Doggett: Your reputation led me to believe that you were logical and reasonable, but now I see that you’re actually a little insane.

Scully: This job does that to you.

(Mulder gets kicked out of his UFO, dead)

Scully: No fair!  When I got abducted, he only had to wait one episode and I was still alive afterward!  This time, I had to mope around for months and months and when he finally shows up, he’s kaput!

Skinner: No worries – Krycek gave me a fake offer to cure Mulder in exchange for me killing your Jesus baby, so I’ll kill Mulder instead and accidentally save him in the process.  See, it all works out.

Scully: I have a Jesus baby?

(Mulder wakes up in the hospital, resurrected)

Mulder (Speaking through his scars): Hi guys!  I just flew in from alien experimentations, and boy, are my internal organs tired.  That extraterrestrial torture session sure was the topper for my last few weeks on this planet, what with visiting my mother’s out-of-state grave while I was dying of my alien-inflicted brain condition and almost being cured by being eaten by a creature who I had to kill in order to save it from exploitation by the locals, not to mention our regular unending X-Files chores.  (Pause) I’m having a nervous breakdown right now. 

Doggett: Does this mean I’m fired?

Scully: Probably not; he’s pretty much a guest star on his own series at this point.  (To Mulder) Stay, leave – make up your mind and stop teasing the audience!

Mulder: Wow, Scully, you got really fat while I’ve been gone.  Did you miss me that much that you had to find comfort in binge eating?

Scully: How could you not know that this is your kid ready to pop out?!

Mulder: Do you even know whether that is my kid ready to pop out?  Our one televised in vitro attempt didn’t work and you still are egg-less, so how can you even be pregnant?

Scully: Apparently, the egg-lessness was undone later and we’re having a Jesus baby the old-fashioned way.  And you’re no longer dying, by the by: you now have a super-healing body that is thankfully not going to turn into the dreaded Super Soldier.

Mulder: Is that the way the Mythology’s heading now?  I take a half-season break and everything changes.

Reyes: I’ll say – they even brought me in to replace you as the local loony.

Mulder: Never!  I’ll destroy everything I love first!  (Manages to get himself fired from his own X-Files and from the FBI) So, now I’m unemployed and purposeless.  What am I still doing here?

Scully: The audience wanted you, but you managed to assassinate your character quite nicely to make them disgusted with what you’ve become.  Who would have thought we both would be destroyed from within rather than from without?

Mulder: The ultimate conspiracy: alter your personality enough to turn your loyal followers against you so they’ll accept anyone as your replacement.

Doggett: Good, so I can be the lead now!

Scully: Not so fast: I’m not yet permanently incapacitated by birth and redundancy.  (Gives birth)  Aw, now everyone wants to take and/or kill my baby.  Or not.  Or maybe – I can’t keep this straight, who’s the enemy now?

Mulder: I can’t handle all this drama of Fatherhood!  (Flees for his life)

Scully: And there he goes again.  So unreliable.  Now all I have with him are fan fiction love letters and our child who I will now give up for adoption because I can’t take the kid’s weird superpowers and attempts on his life.  (To Doggett) As partners, we didn’t quite have “it,” so you’re going to have to find yourself a new sidekick.

Doggett: I came prepared.  (Drags back Reyes) Remember how you were the believer to my skeptic at one time?

Reyes: Always.  I also smoke.

Doggett: Sweet, you’re completely flawed.  You’re my new buddy – this is our show, now and forever!

Skinner: You’re cancelled after this season.  There’ll be another movie, though.

Doggett: Can I be in it?

Skinner: Who are you?

(While investigating the latest Monster-of-the-Week)

Doggett: So, I think we’re doing all right as the new Skeptic and Believer tag team.  Best not to hook up for a long, long time, though – that’s been done to death.

Reyes: Fine by me, although I want better lines so I don’t sound like such a hippie.

Scully: (Pops in) Anyone got an autopsy I can do?

Doggett: You’re still here?!

Scully: Of course I’m still here, I have top billing!

Reyes: Honey, this is so sad.  As what happened with Mulder has happened to you: you’re pretty much a guest star on your own series at this point.

Scully: NOOOOO!!!!  Just because he left, why do I have to suffer?

Skinner: Because when he left he took the show with him.  Look at me: I finally made it to the opening credits and nobody cares.

Mulder: (Re-enters the show) Time to wrap up these shenanigans in a great big bow.  A trial where we recap the entire series should do nicely.  And since we’re officially out of the couple closet now – kiss me, you angel!

Scully: I don’t know, even after nine years it still seems kind of sudden.  When did we actually first hook up?

Mulder: No one knows for certain.  Around the time you became my groupie, I think.

(Special Guest Stars show up to testify)

Jeffrey Spender: So, my Cigarette-Smoking Dad shot me after I joined the Mulder religion, and now I’m unrecognizably burnt so everyone would think I was Mulder at first.  I was such a tease.

Mulder: This whole time I didn’t know you existed and then thought you were dead – we could have been buddies fighting crime, half-brothers versus the world!

Jeffrey: Yeah, I was one messed-over character.  I fixed your baby so he’s all normal now, though, so can I be his godfather?

Scully: It was because of what you did that I had to give him up!  I hate you!

Jeffrey: Time to disappear again.

(Mulder comes to terms with his meaningless life struggle by speaking with dead cameos)

Mulder: Whoa!  All three of The Lone Gunmen kicked it?!!!  How depressing.

Langly: Yeah dude, it was pretty tragically heroic.

Byers: You should have been there, I think you would have appreciated the self-sacrifice.

Frohike: You should at least have come to the funeral, you jerk.  After all we did for you!

Mulder: Gotta go!  Nerds.

(In the mountains)

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Yes, I’m still around to be confronted once and for all.

Mulder: You again.  You look like the wise man of the mountain, but you should have been long gone by now.  Are you sure you’re not a ghost cameo, too?

Cigarette-Smoking Man: Nope, I’m still hanging in there.  I may have helped you from time to time, but in the end you cannot defeat my evil!

Mulder: Maybe I can’t, but that missile can.

Cigarette-Smoking Man: What missile?  (Is finally destroyed by people just as bad as he is, and all is well.  Or is he?  And is it?)

Doggett and Reyes: We can contribute to the cause!  We just obliterated that one tenacious Super Soldier, and never mind the rest of them!

Scully: The weird mineral in the rocks did that, which you should have remembered from that time I experienced the same deus ex machina.

Doggett and Reyes: But we still helped out, right?

Scully: And you’re still cancelled.

(The series ends with Mulder and Scully on the run)

Scully: So, now what?

Mulder: Beats me.  We’re fugitives from the law and from the outlaws, so there’s really nowhere to go.

Scully: I think I should have stayed just a doctor and not joined the FBI.  Being left with nothing but you at the end of all this really doesn’t suffice.

Mulder: But it’s so romantic!

Scully: And what are we going to do for money?

Mulder: This is why we get along so well: I’m the dreamer, you’re the realist.  Now let’s go find us some aliens and take down the government bad guys once and for all, hooyah!

Scully: I think you may be legitimately insane.

CODA 2: THE SECOND MOVIE

Mulder: Monster-of-the-Week?  How trivial.

Scully: Get over your soul-searching and shave, hairy bear.

Mulder: You’re one to talk about hair, faux ginger.

Scully: What, I’ve always dyed it.  You’ll never learn The Truth of my real hair color.

Mulder: Don’t tell me that!

Scully: As if you haven’t been dying yours for years.

Mulder: At least I keep mine a consistent shade.

Scully: So, I’m kind of bored with this movie’s storyline.  Where do we go from here?

Mulder: Patiently wait eight years and have a revival miniseries!

Scully: Why not?  All the kids are doing it nowadays.

THE END… UNTIL THE BEGINNING