Star Retract: Or, It’s All Old Spock’s Fault (A parody of "Star Trek (2009)")

(A glorious view of the U.S.S. Kelvin as it approaches a sinister space cloud)

Subspace Chatter 1: It looks like a… lightning storm.  Important phrase, that’ll be.

Subspace Chatter 2: I sense a disturbance in the canon.

Subspace Chatter 3: Hey guys, I can pick up Z100 on this thing!

(A rainbow shoots out of the cloud, followed by a huge Romulan claw ship)

Captain Robau: Is that what’s supposed to happen?  It feels wrong, somehow.  (The claw starts ripping up the Kelvin) Just can’t put my finger on it.

Ayel: (On screen) Now that we have your attention [snicker], my captain wants your captain to come over to our ship and die – that is, clear something up.  Then die.

Robau: Not fair, why do I have to go?  All right Kirk, you finally get to sit in the big chair.

George Kirk: Sweet!  And so my movie begins.

Robau: Not so fast – you’re going down with me.

George: That’s fine, I’ll find my own franchise to dominate.

(Robau flies a shuttle to the Romulan ship and is taken to the bridge.  Nero sits in the background, sulking)

Ayel: (Throws a photo of Old Spock’s head at Robau) Where’s this geezer?

Robau: Never seen him before.

Ayel: That wasn’t what I asked.  What year is this?

Robau: 2233.  Am I on a game show?

Nero: (Perks up) You mean we beat him here – probably before he was even born?  Dieeeeeeeeeee! (Launches a javelin through Robau) Now I feel better.

(The claw ship rips the Kelvin some more)

George: Haul out, everyone!

(Winona Kirk is wheeled to her escape pod.  The gown over her pregnant belly reads “Baby Daddy on Board”)

Winona: Wait, noble husband – I can’t give birth without you!

George: (The bridge is collapsing around him as he prepares to crash the Kelvin into the Romulan claw ship) I’d love to chat, dear, but I’m sure you can manage the solitary act of childbirth without me.

(James Kirk is born dramatically amid space explosions)

Baby Jim: Helllloooo, ladies!

George: Not exactly the legacy I had in mind.  He’s all yours, honey.  (Blows up with the ship)

Winona: My life feels more tragic than it should be at this point.  (To Baby Jim) Now I really will put you on a pedestal and ruin you for any and all future life partners.

(Years later in Iowa, Lil’ Jimmy takes a joy ride)

Voice of Replacement Father: I’d better be an abusive SOB for you to have turned out this bratty.

Lil’ Jimmy: Nope – I’m just like this naturally.  But you can blame Real Dad for dying!

Future Cop: License and registration, kid.

Lil’ Jimmy: Here you go!  (Drives car over a cliff) Whoops, should’ve jumped out first.

Future Cop: I’ll make sure to tell all I see that a legend walks among us. (Hauls Lil’ Jimmy off to future juvie)

(On Vulcan, bowl haircuts abound as clone children brainwash themselves with homework.  Three mini-supremacists approach Lil’ Spock)

Lil’ Spock: Elder bullies: deliver unto me your best shot.

Supremacist 1: Is not the concept of bullying… illogical?  I must deliberate this quandary.  (Leaves)

Supremacist 2: Here is mine: you are the product of two different races – zing.

Supremacist 3: Yo’ momma’s a $#@^*.  Yes, we are racist and sexist in this enlightened culture.

Lil’ Spock: (Can take no more) Enough!  (The bullies are shocked at this violent and irrational response; Lil’ Spock is placed in detention for insolence)

Sarek: Son, to use our species’ favorite word, fighting when provoked is illogical.

Lil’ Spock: You’re illogical, old man!

Sarek: I see.  It is times like this that I regret mixing my DNA with that alien woman.

Lil’ Spock: Too late.  Why did you do that and create this mess of me?

Sarek: It had seemed like a good idea at the time.

(That alien woman Amanda stands in a corridor)

Amanda: Come here, Lil’ Spock.  (Adult Spock comes forward)  You certainly grew up fast.

Spock: Please do not fuss; this is only a council of my idols deciding the entire course of the rest of my life.

Amanda: I’m a mother – I have to baby you.  (She fixes his straight collar continuously as she speaks) Look at my little boy, heading off to his future and wanting to be all logical –

Spock: Little Woman, I said knock it off!

Amanda: – or not.

(Vulcan Science Academy panel)

Panel Head: Congratulations on being accepted to the Vulcan Science Academy.

Spock: [Yay!]  You have my reserved gratitude.

Panel Head: And I must add that we are incredibly broad-minded in our acceptance of a half`n`half.

Spock: Ah.  I must then respectfully offer you the one-fingered salute and take my brilliance to the other team.  (Salutes)  Live long and prosper, bit-ches!  (Joins Starfleet and cries)

(Back on Earth at a universally crowded bar, Cadet Uhura orders a lot of drinks)

Adult James Kirk: I like a woman who gets herself drunk – saves me the trouble.

Uhura: Real smooth, but I’m a serious military cadet.  (To bartender) Also 12 vodkas, please.

Kirk: I gotta start my intergalactic womanizing somewhere.  You’ll do.

Cadet Meathead:  The little lady’s with us.

Uhura: Here we go: “Oh no, please stop the territorial fighting over me.”  And while we’re at it, how’d we go from pantsuits to skirts in the space of 20-odd years?

Kirk: All I heard was “fighting.”

Cadet Meathead: Me too.  (Knocks him out in one punch)

Captain Pike: This is embarrassing.  You’re all paying for this mess, frat boys and girls.

Uhura: Thank the boys.

(After Kirk wakes up)

Pike: Son, you couldn’t be any more of a disgrace to your father’s memory than if you’d started doing drugs and killing people.

Kirk: (Spitting out teeth) Those’ll be next.  You know it all stems from my resentment of dad getting himself killed at the very moment I was born.  Jeeerk.

Pike: He was an absolute hero.  You can undo some of your shame by joining the space navy and revealing the freakin’ genius within.

Kirk: Starfleet’s for dorks.

Pike: Dorks with ray guns.  We leave tomorrow.

Kirk: Whatever – it’s not like I’m going to have a life-changing epiphany anytime before then.

(He rebelliously motorcycles through hardworking farmers’ corn fields and runs into the U.S.S. Enterprise being built in the middle of nowhere)

Kirk: I hear… the-sound-of-Fate.  It’s… calling-my-name.  Captain… James… T.-Kirk-of-the-Starship-Enterprise… has-a-nice-ring-to-it.

(He drives over to where the cadets are boarding a shuttle and illegally abandons his motorcycle)

Kirk: (To Pike) I’m in!  With no paperwork whatsoever!

Pike: Excellent!  Go sit in the back.

Kirk: (Sees Uhura on board) So, seeing as we’re now going to be classmates, maybe we can start this up again?

Uhura: Good gracious, no.

McCoy: (Arguing with a flight attendant) You can’t tell me where to sit – I’m a doctor!  You can’t tell me how I’m going to die – I’m a doctor!

Kirk: Ah, a fellow newb.  You seem out of your element as well.

McCoy: You can’t tell me how to live – I’m a doctor!

Kirk: So I’ve heard.  Wanna be pals?

McCoy: Sure – I’ve got nothing else to live for.  Bones!

Kirk: I’ll make sure to remember that nondescript word for later.

(They fly off three years into the future)

(Back to Nero’s claw ship, another space lightning storm brews.  A rainbow shoots out of the cloud, followed by a bird-like ship)

Nero: It’s about time, old-timer.  What have you been doing – sightseeing in the black hole?

(In San Francisco: Starfleet Headquarters)

Kirk: Now that I’m practically captain of this joint, I’m going to take the impassable test yet again!

McCoy: I diagnose you as sadomasochistic.  Or maybe just narcissistic.

Kirk: Can’t hear you while I’m busy scoring chicks.

(Later, Kirk is scoring with a fake-green chick)

Fake-Green Cadet:  I forgot to put the tie on the door – hide!

Kirk: Ooh, naughty.

(Uhura enters)

Uhura: Hi, Fake-Green Cadet.  You don’t mind if I undress while talking about important matters, do you?

Kirk: No.

Uhura: Knew there was a perv in here.  My super ears hear all, including a transmission about Klingon ships getting destroyed that’ll be important later, but since we’re all practically naked no one’s paying attention to what we’re saying right now.

Kirk: Mm?

(At Kobayashi Maru Test, Take 2)

Uhura: All stations reporting that we’re about to be annihilated.  Again.  “Sir.”

Kirk: (Wearing pajamas and slippers) Excellent.  Now watch me look awesome on the brink of destruction.

McCoy: Yippee.

(Computers fritz, then reset)

Kirk: And we win!  Go me!

(In observation room)

Spock: Did that himbo just cheat on my unfair scenario?  And is this the only thing I have been doing at Starfleet for the last 3+ years?

(At academic inquiry, which the entire school attends)

Admiral Barnett: Cadet Kirk, you’re being suspended for rewriting the exam.  If everyone did that, I’d be out of a job.

Kirk: This is outrageous, Madea!  I demand to have my first confrontational scene with the prig who’ll eventually become my best friend [sorry, McCoy].

Spock: Present.  And the point of the test is to fail – it keeps the eggheads in check.

Kirk: That is a stupid point and that is why I am a genius.

Spock: That is why you will never make it past Ensign.

Kirk: Says you.

Spock: I wish I personally could expel you.

Kirk: Is it just me, or is there some kind of chemistry between us?  (Spock grinds his teeth)  You don’t feel it?

Barnett: This Just In – Vulcan is in distress and the telephone line’s been disconnected!

Spock:  Well that takes the wind out of my disciplinary sails.

Barnett: All hands: scramble!

(Cadets are assigned to ships; Kirk is left off every list for being on suspension)

Kirk: Awwwww, I wanna goooooo!!!!!

McCoy: Argh, fine, I’ll sneak you onto the new ship by getting you violently ill.

Kirk: Whatever works.

McCoy: Don’t know if it will – I just like stabbing people with needles.  (Stabs Kirk a bunch of times)

(Uhura and her roommate receive their assignments)

Fake-Green Cadet: Investigating planetary emergencies is exciting!

Uhura: I agree – if I wasn’t getting the shaft!  Spock!

Spock: That’s Commander to you, Cadet.

Uhura: All the A’s you’ve given me for my superior aural skills, and I’m not getting placed on the Enterprise?  Which you coincidentally happen to be serving on?

Spock: I did not want anyone noticing the inappropriateness of our teacher-student relationship, especially since everything you say about communications sounds dirty.

Uhura: But the Enterprise is top-of-the-line!  And I know an infinite number of tongues –

Spock: Please stop.  Enjoy sharing two-person quarters with three other people.

Uhura: Right-ho, professor!

Spock: Since when was I ever your teacher, anyway?

(As Kirk’s skin begins to boil, the shuttle pod he is riding on with McCoy comes into view of the fateful U.S.S. Enterprise)

Kirk: I feel… the universe… falling-into-place.

McCoy: Shouldn’t we be in more of a hurry when trying to save an entire planet?

(He sneaks Kirk past Spock, who is now properly attired in blue, into Sickbay.  On the bridge, Captain Pike is now properly attired in gold)

Pike: A little rushed for a maiden voyage, but seeing as Vulcan has been distressing for the past half a day we should probably get a move on, helmsman.  Who are you?

Sulu: Hikaru Sulu, sir.  I’m new.

Pike: Figures no one tells me anything.  Drive on, good sir.

(Sulu tries to drive on as the fleet leaves them behind)

Sulu: Wow, this is humiliating.

Spock: Try not dampening inertia anymore.

Sulu: Yeah, like I didn’t try that already.  Oh yeah, I didn’t try that already.

(They warp off)

Pike: Now who is this kid at the weapons controls?

Chekov: Pavel Andreievich Chekov, sir.  I’m Russian, if you hadn’t already noticed by my name and my heavy-and-selectively-inaccurate-but-nostalgic accent.

Pike: Yes, yes, go make the overhead announcement so everyone’ll have to pay attention in trying to understand what you’re saying.

Chekov: Aye-aye!  Attention crew members: we will arrive at Wulcan shortly.  There is a lighting storm sighted.  I hear snickering – yes, I did say “Wulcan,” grow up and peace out.

(Kirk wakes up in Sickbay as a marshmallowy man)

Kirk: I heard precious keywords in my unconscious state.  Must find Uhura for confirmation!  (McCoy chases after him, stabbing him with vaccinations all the way)  Uhura!  Remember when we were naked?

Uhura: No!

Kirk: Fine, almost naked.  You mentioned Klingons and a signal – was it Romulan?

Uhura: Yes.  How could that possibly be important now and how could someone as flighty as you make a connection like that?

Kirk: Because I am an unjustly unrecognized genius!  Why does no one ever remember that?

(They race to the bridge)

Pike: Kirk!  Aren’t you supposed to be in the naughty corner back home?

McCoy: My fault, sir, I snuck him on board with medical malpractice!

Pike: Oh, I’ll get you later.

Kirk: Sir, Vulcan is being attacked by Romulans and we’re all gonna die!  I’ve lived through this before, when I was a just wee babe.

Pike: I doubt that’s what’s happening – Vulcan’s probably just suffering from some kind of really big volcano.

Kirk: Uhura!  Back me up!

Uhura: I have heard Romulan chatter on the party line recently, sir.

Spock: Uhura’s skill in languages makes me back her up in turn.  Not that she was my favorite student or anything.  Stop looking at me like that.

Pike: Hm, this gives me pause.  Sulu, brake with caution.

Sulu: Braking with caution, aye.

(The Enterprise brakes in the middle of the destroyed fleet, where debris grazes it)

Pike: Not the new paint!

Sulu: Good thing I forgot to not dampen inertia back there, eh?

(They see Nero’s claw ship, with a drill lowered into Vulcan and no one else besides the now-destroyed fleet doing anything about it.  The claw ship fires on the Enterprise a bit before recognizing it as important; Nero hails it)

Nero: Hidy-ho!  Just the ship I was looking for.  Hi, Young Spock!

Spock: That moniker is ominous.

Nero: All right Captain, you know the routine: you come over to my ship and we’ll “talk,” emphasis on the air quotes.

Pike: Be right over!  (To Kirk) I’m thinking you’re a bad luck charm when it comes to captains, but I need you right now.  (To bridge crew) Any volunteers on thrashing the enemy?

Sulu: Ooh, ooh, me-me-me-me-me-me-me-!

Pike: Yes, Mr. Sulu, you can come along.  Comm guy, do you know Romulan?

Comm Guy: Should I?

Pike: Even my professionals are amateurs.  Uhura, do you know Romulan?

Uhura: Although that would seem to be the equivalent of saying “Do you know Human?” – yes, I excel in it as in all things, sir.

Pike: Might as well continue the trend of kids serving on the bridge.  Take over his post – forever.

Uhura: As it should be.

(Pike’s group heads to a shuttle)

Pike: Spock, you’re now Captain and I’m ordering you to rescue me from despair if I don’t return your phone calls.  Kirk, I’m leap-frogging you from undergraduate to First Officer.

Spock: All personal issues – of which there are many – aside, that does not even make any sense.

Pike: I like his gumption.

(Pike flies Kirk, Sulu, and a Redshirt to the drill)

Redshirt: I love violence!

Kirk: We all do, but you gotta be cool about it, man.

Pike: Reminder to the audience: outside communications and the transporter are out until we destroy the drill.  That should sufficiently increase the danger in this excursion.

(The other three free-fall out of the shuttle)

Redshirt: I love life!  (Dies)

(Kirk and Sulu sort of land on the drill, then fight the only two Romulans posted there)

Sulu: Slash!  Stab!

Kirk: Fall!  Whimper!

(Sulu defeats his opponent and dispatches Kirk’s as well)

Kirk: Easy part’s over, but our crazy colleague took the bombs with him to his fiery demise.

Sulu: Let’s just shoot this thing a bunch of times – something’s bound to break.

Kirk: Let’s.

(They shoot the drill, enabling communications and the transporter; Sulu still manages to fall off of it)

Transporter Tech: You have to stay absolutely still for an interminable amount of time for this to be any good!

(Kirk jumps after Sulu, grabs him in mid-air, and tries to open his parachute but it breaks)

Chekov: My time to shine!  (He runs to the Transporter Room at warp speed) This is just like a video game!  (Beams up Kirk and Sulu just before impact) I rock.

Kirk and Sulu: Owwwww……

(On Nero’s ship)

Ayel: Their resistance was futile: we’ve reached the planet’s core!

Nero: Send in the red matter.  I still have no clear idea what exactly that stuff is.

(They send a drop of blood into the planet’s core.  It makes a fwoomp sound, then causes planet-wide destruction)

Chekov: There’s now a black hole inside the planet!  Can that actually happen?

Spock: This is unnatural.  Since Vulcan apparently has no accessible vehicles for off-world transport, I must go rescue Mumsy and Popsicle myself.  And anybody else who happens to be there – the others can all fend for themselves.

Uhura: Spock, wait!  I can tell that you’re upset even if you like to think you display no emotion whatsoever.

Spock: We can schmooze later – I have filial responsibilities to carry out.

(In Transporter Room)

Kirk: You can’t go now!  The planet’s collapsing!

Spock: So it is.  I must preserve the most important parts of it; I leave you peons to clean up the rest.  (He beams down to find the planet’s elders have formed a prayer chain around an idol of logic.  He grabs Amanda and leaves the others including his father to follow, with several expendables crushed along the way.  Outside, rocks collapse as Chekov slowly beams them up) Why is this taking so long?  (Amanda reaches out to Spock as the ground beneath her falls, taking her with it) [NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  Is that the appropriate response?  Or is it “MOTHERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!”?  Or just “ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”?  So many choices] Oh dear.

Crewmate: Chekov, any kudos you earned earlier have just been taken back.

Chekov: Oh well: win some, lose some.

(Vulcan swallows itself as Trekkers around the world weep in confusion)

Spock: My First Captain’s Log: Vulcan died today.  The Star Trek universe is now completely ruined.  We actually saved a few thousand of my people, although logistics on the ship are going to be a nightmare.  I can safely say I am… alone.  Among many.

(He goes to the turbolift for some “me” time, but Uhura follows with everyone watching)

Uhura: The deaths of your planet, people, and mother seem like a good time for me to… MAKE MY MOVE.  (She makes her move)

Spock: You may be disappointed to learn that you are not the first cadet who has tried to corner me in a turbolift, but I must say this is the first time that I do not mind it.

Uhura: So, do you… need some lovin’?

Spock: I need everyone to do their job well.

Uhura: Can I translate that into dirty speak?

Spock: No.  Be professional during a crisis, please, and stop wearing earrings and black nail polish to a job that involves dangerous equipment.

Uhura: (Sniffs) Aye, aye, sir.  I can wait.

Spock: (Hesitates) At least until my Pon Farr within the next seven years, roawrrr.

Uhura: Saucy minx.

(On the claw ship, Nero has Pike tied to a bed of nails floating in an inground pool)

Nero: So, you gonna help me wipe out your civilization or not?

Pike: I’m going with “not.”  What’s your problem, anyway?  Aside from our two factions’ constant Cold War-ishness.

Nero: Old Spock moved too slowly to keep Romulus from blowing up!

Pike: That’s it?  You’re mad at the universe for one guy just not acting fast enough to help?  That’s kind of weak, dude.

Nero: My pregnant wife was still on it!  I was normal before Old Spock’s lack of action!

Pike: Last I checked, Romulus is still there.

Nero: It is too gone!  I saw it go ka-boom!

Pike: OK, don’t go all DeNiro on me.  I still doubt that it’s blowing up, as you claim it has done, is really “Old” Spock’s fault anyway.

Nero: His incompetence will not go unpunished, and neither will yours.

Pike: Here it comes.

Nero: Open up for some insectoid goodness!  (Drops an information bug into Pike’s mouth) Ew, that is gross.

(On the Enterprise bridge, Kirk gets uppity)

Kirk: Whatever reasonable course of action you decide upon, Spock, my equal and opposite one will always be right because I am a genius.

Spock: As I talk over your gibberish, may I remind you that it is Captain Spock.  (Looks at the crew, especially Uhura) That goes for all of you.

Kirk: Meeting with Starfleet for backup is foolhardy!  We should attack the claw ship single-handedly and with even fewer weapons yet again!

Spock: Yes, you can be escorted away from me now.

Kirk: Never!  (He flails around at Security until Spock gives him the signature neck pinch)

Spock: Dump him on some planet.  Man, I am cold.

Uhura: And yet, so cool.

(Kirk is dumped on the ice planet Hoth – actually, Delta Vega)

Kirk: (Wakes up in a pod and sniffs indignantly) He dumped me?  Spock is so unprofessional.  (When he wanders outside, two monsters of the ice decide that his meager frame will make a hearty meal) Gratuitous CGI chase scene, commence!  Ooh, a convenient cave.  Hope the Abominable Snowman isn’t waiting for me!

(The second monster chases him in there but is scared off by an older man armed with a lighter)

Old Spock: Jimmy!

Kirk: Uh, thank you, good sir.  And you are…?

Old Spock: Only the best buddy you ever had!  Mr. Spock!

Kirk: But you’re old.

Old Spock: Time travel.

Kirk: Oh.  In that case – (Punches him)

Old Spock: That was alternate young me!

Kirk: Sorry – at the rate my butt’s been kicked lately, I’ll probably never get such a chance again.

(They sit around a campfire, roasting marshmallows)

Old Spock: Now that everything we all know and love seems irrevocably messed up, we can start fresh.  I can explain everything faster if we connect our minds in the most intimate manner possible.

Kirk: Well, I don’t know if I’m keen on that – technically, we’ve just met.

Old Spock: Too late.  (Forces his mind upon Kirk) [Back in the future, Romulus’s sun was about to blow up.]

Kirk: [Pretty!]

Old Spock: [Hush.  The Romulans asked me to save them because no one else in the universe seemed up to the task.  I promised to and got some previously unheard-of red matter to turn the planet’s sun into a black hole; we could always use another one of those, right?  And it would never suck in Romulus, right?  So I headed on over and what do you think happened?]

Kirk: [The… sun went nova as expected?]

Old Spock: [Exactly!  Without waiting for me!  So I went ahead with the plan.]

Kirk: [Wouldn’t that make things worse?]

Old Spock: [I wanted the E for Effort.  I created the requisite black hole, the planet still was destroyed, and Nero’s claw ship – which just happened to be right there – tried to rip me to shreds.  He got sucked into the new black hole instead and was shot across time to your dad’s ship.]

Kirk: [So that was your fault too?!]

Old Spock: [Hush.  I also was sucked into the black hole and came out of it a few seconds later – guess who was waiting?]

Kirk: [Tribbles?]

Old Spock: […It seemed that 25 years had passed and Nero had really worked himself into a tizzy by then.  He had managed to avoid detection all that time, scooped me up, dropped me off here, and I had a front row seat to Vulcan being flushed down the drain of itself.]

Kirk and Old Spock: [Waaaah!!!!]

Kirk: (Composing himself) Nice to know that you’re not a heartless sociopath.  In reviewing the situation, I can see that your first mistake was in promising a species that you’d save them rather than promising that you’d try to save them.

Old Spock: I now realize the error in my phrasing.

Kirk: On the other hand, it’d make much more sense for Nero and his ilk to get mad at their own sun for going nova and at themselves for not evacuating their planet, than at some guy who was just trying to help.

Old Spock: I told Nero the exact same thing: that was when Vulcan bit it.

Kirk: Enough of this jibber jabber – let’s get out of here.  Isn’t it odd that of all the caves I could’ve been chased into, I came across the same one you were holed up in?

Old Spock: Oddly expedient.  We’re about an hour and a half into this flick; I had to show up sometime.

(They arrive at a Starfleet base on the planet – a Jawa/Ewok escorts them to Reginald Scot)

Scotty: It’s about time I showed up!

Old Spock: Scotty!

Kirk: You seem very excited about seeing your young old friends: I thought you’re supposed to be repressed.

Old Spock: I have gotten to the point in my life where I could not care less.

Scotty: So are you getting me outta here or what?

Old Spock: You shouldn’t even be on this rock, so here is your brilliant formula for transwarp transport at least a decade before you thought of it.

Scotty: I knew it - I am brilliant!  Let’s do this.

Kirk: You have to come with us, Old Spock, or else Young Spock will just neck pinch me again.

Old Spock: The universe will implode if the two of us meet.  Just taunt me/him into a fight so he has to punish himself – works every time.  Remember the phrase “emotionally compromised”: it is the key.

Kirk: It’s nice not seeing you as an unfeeling robot.  Too bad your planet had to be destroyed and your mom killed before I learned that you’re just like us emotionals.

Old Spock: My mom was killed?!

Kirk: Gotta go!  (He and Scotty beam to the at-warp Enterprise.  Hijinks ensue as Scotty has to be rescued from the plumbing)

Spock: (Watching a screen on the bridge) Stowaways?  Kirk.  The man is like a recurring pimple.

(Security brings the two to the bridge)

Kirk: You all can relax now, I found my way back to you.

Spock: (To Scotty) Are you in Starfleet?

Scotty: Umm, yes?

Spock: You are fired.

Kirk: No you’re not.

Spock: Do not “not” me, I am the Captain.

Kirk: And I’m next in line, you – Vulcan – you.

Spock: Yes, I am.

Kirk: You are – strictly – logical.  And – pragmatic, yes!

Spock: You are going to have to do better than that.

Kirk: Shoot.  How about this – you’re unfeeling!

Spock: I actually would consider it an accomplishment if I had achieved that state.

Kirk: You leave me no choice: Yo’ momma’s so –

Spock: Dash it all, man!

(Shocked silence as everyone stares at Spock in horror)

Sarek: Spock, I am ashamed.  And also conveniently on the bridge to witness this moment.

Kirk: Jeez, I know I pushed your buttons, but you didn’t have to Sylar out on me.

Spock: I-I-I cannot believe I just said that.  Dr. McCoy, I believe the phrase is “emotionally compromised” – you may send me to my room.  (Sees Sarek and Uhura on his way out and nods to each) Father.  Lover.  (Exits)

Scotty: Is it like this here every day?  I love a good workplace soap opera.

Kirk: (Sits in the Captain’s chair) Now that I’ve taken my rightful place on the throne, going forward we’ll be doing what I want to do.  Set a course for Risa!  Kidding – back to Nero’s ship.

Uhura: I’ll be starting the mutiny shortly, sir.

Kirk: Ooh, can I join?

(Sarek has another heartfelt chat with Spock)

Sarek: I actually did love your mother.

Spock: Now you tell me.

Sarek: It is all right to have mood swings as long as you do not kill anyone.

Spock: Can I just kill Kirk?

Sarek: No.

Spock: Drat.

(On the bridge)

Chekov: ….so that’s how we can sneak up on them in the middle of our Solar System.

Kirk: Do you do everything around here?

Chekov: Pretty much.  Only one sugar for your tea, sir?

(As the Enterprise sneaks through the Solar System holding a giant hammer, Nero’s ship arrives at Earth and lowers its drill into San Francisco Bay, the only place of importance on the planet)

Kirk: (Leaving the bridge in order to beam over to Nero’s ship) See you later, folks.

Spock: I am coming with you to demonstrate my loyalty to the other half of my genetic material and to make sure that you actually succeed.  Plus revenge.

Kirk: We understand each other at last.

(In the Transporter Room)

Scotty: (At the controls) Yes, I do it all, too.

Kirk: Just don’t mess up like the last guy.

Chekov: (Having heard this on the bridge) [Sob]

(Kirk looks over on the transporter pad and sees Spock and Uhura making out)

Uhura: Promise you’ll come back to me.

Spock: Sure thing, sweet cheeks.

Uhura: You’re on fire today, aren’t you.

Kirk: Do you mind?!

(Uhura glares obscenities at him as she leaves)

Scotty: So unprofessional.

Kirk: Yeah Spock, you don’t seem the Casanova type.  That’s my title.

Spock: I am not that type.  Unlike you, I only need one woman.

Kirk: Is that the secret?  Just one woman?  Maybe I am a himbo.

                                                                                                           

(They beam onto Nero’s ship and look for clues.  After shooting a few nameless goons, Spock mind melds with one)

Kirk: What’s he saying?

Spock: Stop interrupting my mind violation here.  He says the ship you’re looking for is that way and Captain Pike is this way.

(The go to Old Spock’s ship)

Computer: Welcome, Old Spock.

Spock: I sense more is going on than I was told.

Kirk: That’s ridiculous.  Off you go!

Spock: Wait, Jim.

Kirk: Wow, you’re getting mushy on everyone today.  Was the Hoover Dam opened up inside of you?

Spock: I want you to deliver my many final messages to all my loved ones, especially to my father and you-know-who –

Kirk: Yes, yes, the entire Federation knows who.  I don’t want to think about the academic scandal right now.

(Spock takes off in his old self’s ship while Kirk runs to save Pike)

Kirk: You’re still alive?

Pike: Guess there can only be so much tragedy in one sci-fi film.

(After he frees Pike, Romulans come along and beat up Kirk some more.  He faces off with Ayel)

Ayel: Taunt, taunt, prolong the killing….

Kirk: Zapped you with your own gun!  Silly villain.  (Ayel dies in irony)

Nero: Spock!  Spock!

Kirk: (Pops up behind him) Khan!  Khan!  I had a strange urge to say that.

Spock: Looking for me?  (Shoots the drill, which falls onto the Golden Gate Bridge and destroys it as it always has been in cinematic history)

Earth President: Thanks for saving us and all, but wind sheer is no excuse for your ineptitude.

(Spock warps away)

Nero: Coward.  Or clever?  Wish I could tell.

(Nero’s ship warps out and meets up with the Enterprise, with no one actually left in charge of the latter ship)

Chekov: Does this mean I’m Captain?

Sulu: Not before we fight to the death for it.

Uhura: (Sitting in the Captain’s chair) Too late, boys.

(As Nero and Kirk fight; Kirk’s butt is being handed to him yet again)

Nero: Ah, the famous James T. Kirk, famous no more.  Since I’m known for making things personal, let me remind you that I was the one who killed your daddy.  It’s all right, though, because Old Spock let my pregnant wife be killed, so now she can be replaced by your mother who was pregnant with you when your father was killed, and we now can be one big happy family.

Kirk: The mental gymnastics you go through astound me.  Since you’ve travelled back in time and are now in your past, why don’t you just warn your people about your planet’s sun now and leave the rest of us alone?  Idiot.

Nero: For the simple reason that I don’t like you.  Any of you!

(They fight until Spock sets a collision course with the red matter in tow)

Kirk: (As Nero chokes him) Won’t this impending crash cause innumerable gravitational problems and a bunch of other people falling through time if they’re close enough to the event horizon?  This is the way the universe ends, I suppose: everything running into each other for an intergalactic pile-up.

(Spock and Kirk with Pike are beamed out as the ships collide)

Scotty: Now I rock.

Chekov: [Sob]

(Nero’s ship is bombarded with the drops of blood, which create yet another black hole that pulls the ship inside out.  Kirk and Spock on the Enterprise bridge hail Nero)

Kirk: You look like you need help.

Spock: I know this is uncharacteristically evil of me, Kirk, but we really should allow the death-by-internal-black-hole to proceed.

Kirk: To demonstrate that I am a more enlightened being than you, I counter that proposal with the fact that good guys don’t just let people die, even if those people are awful, and we may actually bring about a peace treaty with Romulus that will benefit the entire galaxy.  Oh yeah, I’m the man!

Nero: Bite me!

Kirk: If you insist.  Chekov, take a big bite out of Nero!

Chekov: With enthusiasm!

(The Enterprise fires at the already disintegrating ship, contradicting Kirk’s quality of mercy speech from five seconds ago and actually creating a bigger mess)

Nero: Need a good villainous last line quoting something, like “To be… or not… to be,” from Shakespeare in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, or “From Hell’s heart I stab at thee!” from Melville in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, or – (Blows up)

Kirk: All right, Mr. Sulu, now you can go.

Sulu: I’ve been going for the past two minutes!  We’re being sucked in and this time it is not my fault!

Kirk: Scotty!  Did I replace the Chief Engineer with a disgraced officer for nothing?!

Scotty: If we dump the core and blow it up then that might propel us forward, sir!  Maybe.

Spock: And possibly create another black hole.  Kirk, I am a little disturbed at the number of gravity wells being created over the course of these events –

Kirk: Fire at will!

(It works and they are freed)

Crew: Hooray!

Kirk: Hooray indeed.  Now, time to demote the rest of the crew members on my list…

(At Starfleet headquarters)

Barnett:  Kirk, your reward for your first unauthorized field exercise is skipping final exams and all those pesky ranks and remaining at Captain.

Kirk: You’re welcome, Earth.

Pike: (In wheelchair) Take my ship.  Please.

(The Academy cheers)

Uhura: Does anyone else feel nervous about there having been a black hole pretty close to our Solar System?

Kirk: A what by our what?

(Spock sees an older Vulcan)

Spock: Daddy?  (Old Spock faces him) Oh, an old me.

Old Spock: It is funny how, aside from the hair, we look nothing alike and yet you recognize me as old you.

Spock: Now that you are rather superfluous, not only missing from your own timeline but also crowding up ours, what will you do with your remaining years?

Old Spock: Attempt to stop messing up things any more than they already are.  So I hear that I was the Captain of the Enterprise?  And got it on with Uhura?  Damn, I lived in the wrong timeline.

Spock: Too bad, Previous Generation; it is my turn now.

Old Spock: My only advice is: be more emotional.  They love it when you get all emotional.  Salute!  (They give each other the Vulcan salute) For crying out loud, all that practice and you still cannot separate your fingers correctly?!

Spock: I know, I am a failure!

(On Enterprise, Kirk enters the bridge as William Shatner)

Kirk: Now that the universe is as it should be, let’s officially kick off this series.

McCoy: Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a reset button!

(Spock enters the bridge)

Spock: Forgot about me already, I see.  Since I cannot rule, I will settle for ready-to-assume-command-at-any-moment.

Kirk: That moment will never come.

Uhura: (Waggles her fingers at Spock) Hi, babe.

Spock: Within the next seven years, I said!

Kirk: And away we go!

(The Enterprise warps away to Old Spock’s voiceover and the original theme music)

Old Spock’s Voiceover: My time is over.  The reboot has begun.  May it go where no sequel has gone before: making ten times instead of just double what the first film made in box office returns.

THE END… OF THE NEW BEGINNING